Friday, May 31, 2002
(10:12 p.m.) [link]
Ladies and gentlemen, The world's smallest website.
breathless / Breathe here
(7:35 p.m.) [link]
Kit: No, drinking won't make you feel better. Depending on what/how much you drink, you wind up with a terrific headache in the morning.
But, it's Friday, which means you can nurse that hangover through the weekend.
Am I encouraging bad habits? Yes and no. If you keep doing it, then it's an addiction, and all addictions (especially alcohol) are bad.
But for the here and now, go for it. (I never claimed to be a saint, nor an angel, and any human that does in this day and age is either in denial, or brainwashed.)
And as the title of this entry says, just because it's suburbia doesn't make it Eden.
I, unfortunately, am all too familiar with a parent that doesn't support you in the emotional sense. Getting all the necessities (and then some) does not mean one is a good parent either. It takes a bit of both. A blend, a compromise. (To any parent who happens to have found their way here, I'm not saying give your child the world and put them on a pedestal. I'm saying meet both needs at least halfway. I'd have rather had some encouragement for any of my abilities than 'stuff' a lot of times. And for hell's sake, don't placate your kids with food, then complain about them being overweight!)
It's kinda scary, it sounds like you have the same academic problems I had when I was screwed out of the honor system at my school. Please don't do what I did, though. I ditched everything as a result. Again, lack of support. Teachers wouldn't listen (I'm only a student and a dumb minor). Faculty wouldn't listen (see previous). Mom wouldn't listen (she was too busy with other things at the time).
...the parallels are quite frightening.
Where was I? Oh yes, my horrible attempt at either empathy or cheering up (probably the former, I suck at the latter).
I do give you kudos, I couldn't encourage myself enough when I needed to. In that, I think you are a wonderful example of persistance.
And the hundred percent on the math test... I always say sometimes it's the little battles you have to savor. I, however, wouldn't call that little for you. Savor it. If you could, stand on a rock waving a sword around to let everyone know what triumph you have achieved.
And there's one thing that I don't think enough people who know you get to tell you. You are a wonderful friend. Perhaps sometimes you bend over backwards a little too much for your own good, but then again, that's just who you are. Anybody that can call you friend has an infinitely richer life because of it.
And anybody that calls you friend, but doesn't agree with me, shouldn't call you friend.
Now the killing yourself bit. Honestly, that would suck... because depending on which (if any) theology/ideology/religion you may actually (subconsciously) believe in, you're either going to hell, no questions asked (because, supposedly, you can't repent for your own murder if you're dead), or, (and this is worse, IMO), you come back in another life to make up for whatever you screwed up in the first place.
That last one scares me. When I go, I want to stay gone.
But in all seriousness, you would be missed. It might be hard to see right now, but you would be.
I'd miss you. Even if we don't get to talk like we used to, I would miss you terribly.
So I'm hoping that was just a statement born of the moment (which we're all entitled to), and not something that's being given serious consideration.
Oh yeah, my email. Click the 'link' by the time and you'll get it. Just use this whenever you're online and you want to chat with me (or have time). I'll get it pretty quickly.
And you do have a reason, and a right, to get angry, bitter, and depressed. Don't beat yourself up for being human, alright?
If you're going to beat yourself up for anything, turn into a cheap shnook, then beat yourself up. You'd deserve it them.
2 sighs / Breathe here
Thursday, May 30, 2002
(9:15 p.m.) [link]
We're in Amercia, Kit. Part of the kit-n-caboodle of the great national ideology of capitalism is built on the fact that people waste.
I'll tell you when you learn to live frugal, when you have no choice but to. ...like me...
Trust me, everything I have that I don't need, I usually do for sanity's sake, and I save up for months before getting it.
No, I don't need a PS2, but if I didn't have Soul Reaver 2, I'd have tried reaving someone IRL by now...
I prefer having a different outlet that won't land me in jail, playing house to some burly chick named Bertha.
1 sigh / Breathe here
(9:07 p.m.) [link]
Thanks, Raine. But as I said, even if it were overdone, it's overdone for me, so it'll stay put (until I feel like another change... which would happen many, many moons from now).
BTW, just a thought/suggestion, but there is a way to affect a very similar layout to what you have now without the use of frames. Email me at , if you're interested. (Javascript needs to be turned on to see my email addy. Take that, email spiders).
Another geekspeak note: To those wanting to avoid spiders while linking to their email, (but don't want to use javascript), try using @ in place of the @ symbol. Helps to throw them off. Of course, eventually, they'll get smart to that trick, so you might want to convert the end doman extension along with it. For more character codes, try this page out.
Basically, using the character code let's me use my email in a link without tipping off the spiders. But if it's clicked on, it will write out the email address normally.
To continue our geekspeak, do not ever try using mysql if you've never touched it before. Period. It becomes myheadache real fast.
Now then, I jump back into the foray of coding. Excuse me.
1 sigh / Breathe here
Wednesday, May 29, 2002
(3:32 p.m.) [link]
Why is it, (and especially on the net), that when a person/group/clique doesn't like something, it should be, "done away with"? I hate Jecht. I despise him. I want to feed his innards to starving vultures in Dead Valley if there's any to be had. But, you don't see me wishing all the Jecht yaoi fics would disappear, do you? I just don't read them, simple.
I also hate chitterlings. I still don't wish they'd disappear, unless someone puts them on my plate.
1 sigh / Breathe here
(3:29 p.m.) [link]
I feel a need to have this printed out and framed.
breathless / Breathe here
(1:44 p.m.) [link]
I look around and see the majority of blournals are done in simple solids. People prefer making sure their content is readable, or just prefer to keep it easy on themselves. I can respect that, anything to ease web building (without becoming lazy).
So perhaps one would consider mine to be, overdone? ::shrugs:: Perhaps one would be right... if I were doing so for other people.
I need color. Not solids, but a myriad of colors, or else the same color presented a million different ways. That color being blue in this case. Calming, relaxing blue. Blue to sweep me in the reflecting waters, or blue to mirror my inner turmoil. Blues to try and calm the savage rage that others constantly seem to feed an neverending supply of fuel to.
Blues, blues blues... but none so dark and peaceful as deep blues, where sound and sun have little hope of penetrating. Oh, to go see those blues.
At the same time, I need pattern. I grew away from gif animations, but I can understand the need I had of them at one point. I needed kinetic motion, whether real or simply an illusion. Not so much now, but patterns to remind me of possible motion... potential energy versus kinetic energy, I believe.
Maybe one day I'll switch and go to solids, but that will probably be some time... like when I'm near death. Until then, I'll keep my overdone look. It suits me, and that's all that really counts.
breathless / Breathe here
(1:35 p.m.) [link]
Raine: You may want to look over your stylesheet carefully. Personally, I found it easier to just import the stylesheet and keep it on a separate page, so you don't have to keep checking the html file itself. And import versus direct link, which allows greater flexibility, but tends to cut out browsers below 5.0.
Also, you might want to use # instead of . when naming you classes, which would become IDs instead. Only reason I say that is it's easier to say "P ID=" instead of "P CLASS=" I'm all for less typing.
Anyway, I looked it over and notice you didn't declare a margin in your P.indent. When using the shorthand method, I've seen them use all four sides, i.e. margin: 5px 5px 5px 5px. When listing individual margins, they go to longhand. margin-top: 5px; margin-left: 5px; et cetera.
I don't know if that's what's causing your scrollbar or no. However, I'm not a professional. You may want to visit this place to get a better feel of different css styles you can use. It helped me eliminate the table a lot. http://www.glish.com/css/. I'm sure I can find some other css sites if you're interested.
That being said, I shall shut up my geek speak for today. ::boos xhtml::
1 sigh / Breathe here
Tuesday, May 28, 2002
(10:23 p.m.) [link]
I don't know which is worse: spending a couple of hours installing a program, only to find it doesn't do exactly what you need it to, or trying to relax _from_ that and play OoT (which isn't that relaxing depending on what you're doing) and having a bunch of low-intellect, sub-human assholes who think casual conversation is down at the loudest possible decibels the human voice can make
Then I have the maternal unit on me this morning saying how my sleeping pattern is changing (no duh, lady. Not like I've been able to get my prescription changed, because every time I make an appointment, somehow she indirectly sabotages me). Then she mentioned how my attitude has changed as well. (um, see above reason, plus the fact she brought that guy back into the equation).
I would play FFX, but... I already played it. Now I'm more interested in writing for it and fixing Square's mistakes (you see the end and you may apprecaite why I phrase it that way).
Well, I'm going to go back and see if I can find a perl program that will do what I want. It would be so much easier if I could just write my own program... ::sighsbitchesmopes::
breathless / Breathe here
Monday, May 27, 2002
(5:49 p.m.) [link]
That will teach me. Any test I take that has a paste and code image, take the image and upload it to my own server, thereby avoiding broken images in case the remote server ever goes down.
Anyway, for those you may have taken the bish test, I was able to grab the images out of my temp net folder. However, you can't directly link to them on my server. One, bandwidth costs too much (I only have 6 gigs). Two, well, you can't, literally. If you tried, you'd get a nasty surprise that might get you in trouble with your own host, so I'd advise against it.
However, you can grab them to your own HD, then upload them whever you have space or can hold a pic. That way you can get rid of the broken image with that particular test. Here they are:
baka
hero
innocent
intellectual
lonewolf
sexmagnet
shyguy
tragic
villain
1 sigh / Breathe here
(1:53 p.m.) [link]
I'm thinking... I'm thinking of turning my links page into a FFAL deal. I'm not sure. It would make adding/changing links easier for me, but would it be too presumtuous on my part to think anybody else would bother? I don't know. I'm in Confusion.
I don't know if I mentioned it here... probably not. Yaoiville.org (not related to my .com site) is going to be my personal haven, the core of which lies Bryony. Mind you, both are under construction, but there's this nice counter service at Bryony that came out pretty good. I wish I'd made the program, but, C'est la vie.
I did make one simple perl program. It's a variation of those drinking games you may or may not have seen around the net. Basically, a person can add their own 'drink if...' to the page. Strips html, leadding whitespace, trailing whitespace, rejects blank submissions, and (and this was the pain in my arse to get to work) rejects duplicate entries.
So it's simple. So it's not elegant. Considering the only way I can learn is piecing online tuts together, I think it's an accomplishment.
::sigh:: I want to be able to do more. I'd like to be able to sit for hours at my computer and produce something that give real meaning to the term 'interactive'. Maybe one day, it's just... slow in coming.
And that guy is here. Of course, I shouldn't expect anything different. Oh beat me with a rotten Italian sausage if I should think things would ever freakin' change.
....
And in the time it took to type that, my maternal unit has suceeded in annoying me to high-heaven and ruining my day. And she didn't lay a hand on me or yell at me or anything that would outwardly appear negative...
Memorial day. Usually, (if you give half a rat's ass), you wind up at some kind of gathering, (or the gathering comes to you), and there's some kind of food, usually of the barbeque variety.
We're no different, (though personally, I'd rather celebrate it with a bottle of Everclear and a chocolate shake right now). So there's barbeque in the kitchen. Mom comes in and asks to borrow something, (this time my adapter, so I can't listen ot music right now except through my comp). She gave me a test piece earlier, (I'm her guinea pig, apparently), and I had yet to get rid of the plate from my room. She then remarks that she hoped that wasn't the breast, (because her memory sucks ands he forgot she'd tested a piece on me). I reminded her that was what she asked me to try, then questioned the sudden off-limits of this mysterious chicken breast. To which she (jokingly, but I'm not fucking laughing) replied, "Well, you have enough breast, don't you?"
First off, I know this means that piece is obviously for 'her man'. Second, yes, I do have a large bosom (Somewhere between DD and E, last time I checked, anyway). Does that mean I should be the butt of someone's stupid jokes? And should said joke come from my own mother?
I need out. I need out of here so bad I'd almost consider killing for it. out... out... out... out... out. Just out.
I'm going to lay down now. I was working on something, but I just want to lock myself in and pretend I'm an orphan for a few hours.
breathless / Breathe here
(1:20 p.m.) [link]
If anybody sees Harlen any time soon, let him know I have a gift for him if he wants it.
breathless / Breathe here
Sunday, May 26, 2002
(11:39 p.m.) [link]
Any test with or centered around either bish and/or yaoi I'm just going to take. Why? Because I'm obsessed like that.
And the survey says...
What type of Bishounen are you? Find out at artificial-soul.net by Rin.
...My only regret is that this happens to be one of my sister's favourite charas, so I can't really enjoy this the way I would have had the knowledge not been tainted by her aura.
2 sighs / Breathe here
(9:18 a.m.) [link]
There are worse things to end a comment on than yourself. Heh, go ahead, I say.
And the clock was off because I didn't know the server this is on is actually out here, so I don't _need_ to adjust the hours. Should be fixed now.
(they should fix it so the time it prints is related to the person's own timezone, but, C'est la vie)
::sigh:: It's morning. I overslept. It's hazy out, so I know it's going to be humid today. And I have little to look forward to in the way of getting something done. And now I'm being told by one of my RP partners that she might be severely late coming home.
It's one of those 'hazy' days, when this air just hangs over you, still, unmoving. You words, perhaps your very thoughts seem to hang suspended with nowhere to go. Days where solitude can be a joy, if you're strong enough not to let it oppress you.
Maybe, if my feng shui wasn't so bad, I'd have my room (and self) smudged.
...and on a random, closing note, if I could afford it, I'd see about becoming an herbologist.
breathless / Breathe here
Saturday, May 25, 2002
(11:52 p.m.) [link]
Not surprised. Not in the least. I want a test to surprise me, because so far, I haven't been.
I still haven't sorted my head out, but here's a small piece of the lovely bullshit RL force-fed me during my absense. Excuse the format, but this is literally how my brain is wrapping around this particular situation.
| 1st Person | Action | 2nd person |
| Mother | is seeing | Some guy named Marlon |
| Mother | fancies herself in love with | Marlon |
| Mother | loses mind | |
| Mother | gives set of houses keys to | Marlon |
| Mother | does not inform | me |
| Marlon | is never serious and begins to annoy | me |
| Marlon | is here nearly all the time | |
| Marlon | one days fucks up with | Mother |
| Is large fuck up | ||
| Mother | breaks off with | Marlon |
| I | am very happy | |
| Marlon | comes back and begs forgiveness from | Mother |
| Mother | is fucking wuss | |
| Marlon | is back | |
| I | [censored] | |
| end | ||
Oh, and does anyone remember this rant? Well there was a reason to it, and that's one of the other things that's been dragging me under.
I think I mentioned it in one of those letters-to-therapist. Basically, she's gushing over one of her children's possible future, while sabotaging mine. Which isn't anything new, she's been doing that to me for as long as I can remember. Not intentionally. Never intentionally, really, but I don't know if that makes it worse or better.
I know of late I've been making her feel guilty, because I keep loudly complaining of my lack of a pestle and mortar (which I could have gotten had she not borrowed more money from me), but this time I really don't fucking care. She was willing to help pay half of my sibling's reg fees to get into this school, but I can't even keep my own funds to do what I'd like to do. And it's not like I'm blowing my (meager) income on bullshit. Well, if I could keep it to myself long enough to do any gods-be-damned thing with it.
Bitter? DAMN RIGHT! I'm tired. But the only way out is "out", literally. But, couple of eyars, that may become a reality. David wants out too, and he already said he wants me as his roommate. We get along really good (we ony have one major fight every 1-2 years). I'll take that, and she can take her precious Marlon and they can go break their bed or something. (in their condition, maybe their backs if they keep it up).
I'm going to stop now, before the rest of that crap I mentioned that's still jumbled in my head starts pouring out.
::goes off to torment inner child for hell of it::
breathless / Breathe here
Friday, May 24, 2002
(3:58 p.m.) [link]
Note to self: Do not try to read over other people's blournal archives when head is already filled to bursting.
That being said, I'm having trouble trying to get to Harlen's place. Will try again later.
I'm right here, Raine. Or do you prefer Jasmine? I'm glad you like the layout. Things need to change, unfortunately. Too bad all the other changes I've been going through have been quite negative.
Kit, remind me to give you my special email addy. I know you don't use email a heck of a lot, but this is so whenever you're on AIM, and you're not doing a million things at once, or just feel like chatting, you can send a quickie note and I'll get it almost instantly.
Amber, good luck with the job. Wait until you're an adult. Nobody can limit your access... you just have to make sure you can afford to have it. Not one thing, its another...
Still can't get to Harlen's place. I'll try later.
Perhaps I'll go into the drama that is my life later as well, but really, I think everyone has enough of that. Why read mine?
And to close, if someone had told me last year I'd know how to roll a cigarette this year, I'd have had them committed. But don't worry, I'm not a regular smoker, I don't plan on becoming a regular smoker, and I only smoke herbal cirgarettes.
Favorite blend: "Merlin's Blend" and "Dragon Smoke"
1 sigh / Breathe here
(2:39 p.m.) [link]
So I'm sitting here moking an herbal cigarette (it's not a real one, and it's not maryJ. It's legal, trust me). And I'm relaxing have too many days worth of stress... and I remember that I haven't bothered touching this thing in a month of Sundays.
Then as I login, I remember why.
Sometimes I just don't have anything to say. My life's trials and tribulations would become boring after awhile, no matter how unique a spin I may put on it.
Shit in a pretty box is still shit.
But other times... other times there are so many things happening both within and out of my mind that I can't. You ever try catching the wind? That's what it's like trying to get this chaos into some semblence of order and put it down in a form that can be universally read.
It's just impossible at times.
I still can't. Every thing that's happened during my absence is still a but of jargon and garbage jumbled up in my brain. I want to try and sort it out, yet at the same time, I want to do what any sane person does with their trash and just dump it.
Maybe I will.
Excuse me, I'm going back to my cigarette. (Herbal... legal...)
1 sigh / Breathe here
Saturday, May 4, 2002
(3:54 p.m.) [link]
broken promises
will fly away like balloons
from a small child's hand
breathless / Breathe here
Thursday, May 2, 2002
(8:54 a.m.) [link]
Huzzah. Though I could have left it back at y.com since I finally fixed the error that was causing my archives not to work. It didn't make any sense, but, it's fixed, so, C'est la vie.
So if anyone still comes by or links to this place, it's got a new home.
New home, new layout. Change is good.
breathless / Breathe here
