I wish I could get rid of this condition... which I whole heartedly blame my mother for.
I don't like having my emotions dictate who I am. I don't like having something trigger a depression, because there are so many triggers.
I certainly don't like having to take a pill.
I've always said normalcy is highly overrated. I still believe that and won't change.
I don't want to be normal...
...but I'd like to be emotionally sane. (key word: emotionally)
I'd like to have someone IRL to be able to talk to or go out with or just maybe get things off my chest to. And I'd always be happy to listen to them in return.
...reminds me of my last friendship. Ended terribly. I made sure I was available, to the point of attending a funeral to a person who I did not like, surrounded by a family that didn't like me. I didn't go for them, I went for her.
But she didn't understand, that's a two-way street.
You give and give and there'll be nothing left if the other just takes and takes. That's all she did, too... take.
Honestly, yes, I'm still resentful about it. I wasn't asking for money or some huge favor or really any at all.
I just wanted her to listen to me without judgement, without some ready bit of (lame) advice...
...and definitely without turning it around to her own problems that I've been more than willing to listen to for the upteenth time.
But I have to give up. I don't think I'm going to find this kind of compromise with anyone...
...almost anyone.
My computer is becoming my most treasured friend, and my bitterest enemy.
I love how people will tell me to just get out... go socialize...
...ain't that easy.
First you have to find someone with common interests.
Definitely not happening here, and the only place it could happen is just too far away.
too too far
Then you have to be able to face people, which has become increasingly diffcult as time goes on. If I'm not just scared to death because I don't know if "today's my day" (for a bullet, that is), then I'm seeing it all in red.
I don't want to go to jail, even if the person I'd wind up killing did deserve it.
I'm trapped in a prison, my own doing, more than likely. It's not that easy, though I wish it were.
Well, I do want to break out. I guess... after I've rested, I'm going to start looking into the causes and possible means of curing/controlling this problem.
::sigh::
I guess the first thing I should do is... admit it. To myself. I can say the words, but how do I make myself believe them?
...would it seem melodramatic to say it here? ...probably, but... just...
...I suffer from bi-polar disorder...
...and I want out.
