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This is the last entry I'll make until I come back on Monday. If something goes wrong somewhere, I'll fix it when I get back.
I need this like nothing I've ever needed before. My nerves are frayed, my muses comatose, and my general well being ain't being well.

I'm worried about finding my roomie, but once I do that, and find an ATM when I get there, I'm going to forget I exist as me for a bit.

I'm never Gen the sarcastic/cynical/jaded pessimist or LN the yaoi writer outside of this computer. At the con, I'm going to be the latter.

----'s taking a hike. (I hate my first name, even if I kept the initials for my pen name)

True, LN, as well as Gen, are only personality fragments, but it's going to be an interesting experience living as one of those fragments outside of the computer.

I wonder if I can find a kimono in my size

But more than anything, I must get away from this family for a few days. They don't realise that by clinging to me for all their worth, they're killing me. Not literally (I should be so lucky), but I've felt no will or energy to do anything I normally like doing. Coding, writing, RPing... ever since summer session let out and I've had nearly 24 hour mom, I've just felt 'blegh'.

I am an introvert. I do not get my 'energy' from being around others, I get it from within, and spend it on others. So having the lady constantly asking of my presence/company is draining me in ways I doubt she'll ever truly understand.

And she's so damn needy. And she doesn't know when to let me go. I hate to see what she's going to do when I do move out, because there's no way I can see being her roommate.

Now my brother, I can see rooming with. We hardly talk to each other. not in a bad way, we just... are. We have similar tastes/likes, but we're severe individualists who need our space. I think I'm worse, as he tends to get into the philosophical discussions with parental unit, where as I try and avoid them.

Not that I don't like philosophical discussions, I adore them, but she never hits on topics I care to discuss on that level.
And she can't relate to how I express myself, not that I even want her to.

I feel like I'm someone's battery, and great gods, I need a recharge.

I'm more than tired, I'm weary. I feel heavy all over, and not just in the physical sense. If there are other versions of me somewhere, then we're all feeling this way.

And I'd sleep, but what good is that when I feel just as exhausted as when I laid down?

tangling within throes
life whispering laughter fades
empty eternal

And I need distance and space and a chance to be left alone free of being asked to share myself when every time I do, I lose a part of myself in the process but when I say no I'm being selfish I'm not selfish I'm just fucking tired.

How much more of myself do people expect me to give when I hardly have anything left? And damn the seven hells now if I lose myself completely.

Fortunately, it's overcast, so I can find some small, minuscule part of myself again, but it's not enough.

Above my mirror, there sits a ceramic mask
sometimes I wish I were looking in the mirror
sometimes I wonder if I am.