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She died before she could grasp life
but I'm not sad for her
she's escaped, she's free
she's a new star forming in the universe.
she's a gentle spring rain
a windy day, perfect for kite flying
a comet flying through space...

She is all these, she is everything
and she is with me
always

::sigh::

Funeral today. I don't have to go, not sure I'd want to even if I did. My cousin's premie passed a few days ago. I guess I wasn't expecting them to ask any of us if we wanted to go. Mom's going. I'm not that close to them. Mom said I shouldn't. She's insisting I go to Yaoicon since of all of us, I'm the only one who's yet to travel somewhere beyond Disneyland or something.

I wonder if the overcast is symbolic. Or maybe the clouds know and are giving me what they can. Thank you.

Officially I will go into 'net silence far as my journal and email goes. If any problem arises, I'll need one volunteer who will get access to all areas of the program at SRB to make sure things run okay. However, if the problem extends beyond that, all I can say is I'll fix it soon as I get back... and catch up on the sleep I know I'll have missed.

I'm feeling strange, and not in a very pleasant way. I admit to a small surge of selfishness, but it lasted for all of a half second. The original plan for today was for mom and I to go to the clothing store because I still need a couple of peices for my trip on Friday. The funeral plan apparently came up all of a sudden this morning. If it was planned before, I wasn't told about it, and mom indicated that today would be a good day to go. She keeps putting me off, we were suppose to go last week. So I say I'll go alone. No harm, no foul... except she wanted to go to the store and can't I wait until tomorrow...

I'm getting tired... of having to constantly bend my plans to suit others, especially when their presence isn't even an integral part of said plan. I can go alone, why the hell does she want to come to? I don't even like shopping for clothes, for crap's sake. It will probably take me less time to get it myself anyway.

And she's borrowed money from me all this month even though she said she wouldn't... she borrowed my calling card that I'm suppoe to use for emergencies while I'm gone... and oh fates, I swear if I find out something goes wrong with her paying me back and I can't go, I will never talk to her or my younger sister again. Why her? She's one of the main reasons mom has to borrow money from me in the first place. She's constantly trying to get something out of someone to feed her own addiction.

I don't understand why she wants to go with me. I'm certainly not going to be petty and say 'forget the funeral'. Truth, if it were requested that I go, even not wanting to, I would. This would mean getting into a van full of people whose company I'd want about as much as I'd like to jump in the Amazon river, naked, with tartar sauce spread on me... but I'd do it. But I'm not being asked to go. I'm not asking her to come with me instead, either. I just want to go to the store and get this overwith. I don't want to cut it close. I just want to make sure I'm ready.

I don't understand, honestly. As soon as I heard, I immediately changed my plans. Perhaps, if I am honest, in finding her unabel to go, I somehow, whether consciously or no, even managed to look forward to going alone.

...yes, if I'm honest with myself at this point, I don't want her to go with me now. She's constantly sending the wrong message to my younger siblings when she always steps in and tries to solve their problems, even though she's forever griping about doing it. My brother's 17, my sister's 20... but when she does this, how can she complain about them constantly depending on her?

...okay, she just explained why she wants to go with me. She hardly interacts with me outside the home environment. (try because every time I go outside I'm consciously having to drown thoughts of various 'Mo`re Moments' about the general populous) So we've reached a compromise, we'll go later today when she comes back. So now I have to get out of this "I want to go alone" mentality that, oddly, was far easier to get that I may be comfortable admitting to.

This is the other reason I know I need this trip... I have to get out from under them. They cling too, too much. Why? They should know, I don't like being too close. I just can't help it. I had to become this way, it was the only way to keep... ...keep him safe.

Please please please, try and understand... it's not that I don't care. I just can't risk giving myself freely. I have to keep him safe, he's all I have...

I was hoping I wouldn't be thoughtful today. I want to try and relax. I'm already nervous about going... but not in a bad way. I just wanted to unwind. I've been wound up ever since last weekend and I had planned on taking today out for myself... home facial... relaxing shower... my Native American drums CD...

I may as well, considering my cable connection has been going out on me every day between 10-2. It gets fixed Wednesday.

But no, I'm sitting here with a million and one words going through my head, and twice as many possible emotions (key word, possible) and everything is fighting for dominance but I can't decide which to give voice to first... and they all despise me for that because their needs are equal and something wants to be said...

Perhaps, and I think deep down they know, that is when it's best not to say anything at all.

I'd better go. I started this at 8, but it's ten, and I know I'm going to get cut off. Then I'll have to use the phone line for a time.

If you ever have a choice between AT&T and any other company, NEVER choose AT&T. Their tech lines are employed by incompetent people who don't know how to direct your call, don't know how to help, and some don't even know what services the company offers. No joke, I called Saturday, and the operator said she didn't know about AT&T having high speed internet service.

Do youself a favor, never use AT&T. Really, I'm only saying this to help you out.