What does one do when after reading works ten and twenty times better than anything one could possibly hope to write, one feels the only other option left is to burn the keyboard or whatever other writing utensil is used?
And why do I feel this way? I try and ask myself this, and I try and answer, but I am just left with this hollow feeling that I think has been with me since my coming into this reality and perhaps there is no way to get rid of it or fill it.
Not even temporarily.
So I go and try and be happy in this other world born of my own mind, even though I rarely play me but others and does it matter really if I'm happy in this world or not?
Worse is reading fics and knowing the fics are good and they should make one feel happy inside, but all one feels is the same emptiness like before.
And there is no cure, not for me.
And I can't think of death, because there are those whom I inadvertantly twined my life energy with, either in real life or online, and I owe them more than some note with futile explanations because there really is no answer to the question "why?"
Why indeed, when all one wants is some relief from this void created as a defense mechanism because even that is better than crying.
And I can't cry... because there is still that question of "why?"
Why why why why why...
When the answer is so simple for me but nobody else is me and I cannot make anyone understand 'why'.
And to whatever deities are listening perhaps I have lost faith in organized religion, or religion period, and my fellow man. And it's quite easy to do when one tries so hard to be what one is suppose to according the the 'rulebooks' but it feels like there's no one else is even knows what the damn book is anymore.
And I'm so tired.
People I don't even know want me to bond with them and how can I when I can't even form any kind of relationship with people I grew up with.
And my only consolation is the hope that I pissed them off enough to never want to call me.
The time for bonding with siblings is over. Please, don't think, or even worse, assume that simply because we have an accidental genetic link that you take precedence in a life that is already set.
Even with my void, this would be incorrect thinking.
And it's not that I'm trying to distance myself, but you can tell when you and someone else have absolutely nothing in common. So then blood really isn't enough to establish a relationship on.
Someone asked how is it I can feel closer to someone I've never physically met before, versus some long lost siblings.
Simple. I share common interest with this person. This person has never once tried to put themselves in some self-perceived level of importance as far as my priorities go. This person does not tell me to make someone I've agreed to talk to before hand wait so that I may instead share time with them.
This person does not look at me with eyes filled with disbelief/disgust when I say I don't like to socialize much in the way they feel I should. They don't give me the same looks when I say I do prefer my computer because in truth, there is nobody IRL that I can relate to. They don't give me those looks when I explain patiently that, yes, I do like to view the fantasy world of slash and yaoi and male/male relationships that I am fully aware will never happen IRL... and why is that so different from wanting to watch straight porn with two live women?
Least mine is restricted to make-believe people.
I cannot talk to someone I have nothing in common with. It's impossible. I do not expect anyone to talk to me for the same. And I certainly don't demand that they do.
And oh gods... I'm so tired right now.
And I wish... or I would... if I felt more than this growing nothing inside me.
And all I can end with is me looking at an assignment in art class where we had to draw negative space...
...and slowly beginning to laugh and the sad irony of it all.
