Jennifer, do yourself a favor.
Step outside of yourself and quit your emotional posturing right frippin' NOW.
Look, lady, nobody was hurt until you hurt them. Nobody was upset until you had something to say that pretty much equaled to "I don't want to hear what you people have to say because it bores me."
So don't you DARE try and blame them, us, or anyone else for your mistakes.
You need help. I'm not qualified to give you help. But you definitely need help.
You call lashing out at other people when you have some drama going on in your life dealing?
You call what you said an apology?
You call what you're doing healthy in any way, shape, or form?
And do you honestly think your life is that bad?
LIVE MINE FOR ONE WEEK!
I don't like whining, complaining, or anything. And I don't think I am, but here, try this:
Imagine your mother living at death's door, any minute could be the last, even if she acts and looks fine.
Imagine your sister not having any respect for you, herself, anyone and slowly walking down a path of self-destruction and can't be swayed even though deep down all she wants is someone who can love her despite her faults.
Imagine staying up late at night and knowing those loud popping sounds you hear aren't cars backfiring, but guns... just firing.
Imagine wondering if the color you're wearing today is safe, or else you may get beat up for it if you're lucky.
Imagine flinching a little every time a car takes off at high speeds, because you never know if this is going to be another drive by.
Imagine only wanting to go home, but instead getting a knife pulled on you and a lousy buss pass good for only one more day stolen from you.
Imagine trying to get your thoughts down, only you can't, because the noise all around you is simply too loud, so much that your chair feels like it's bouncing on the floor from the flippin' bass beat.
Imagine having no, and I mean no safe haven to go to, because it's too dangerous outside, too chaotic inside, and the only place left is inside your own mind....
...but even there's not safe, because a bullet can penetrate a wall.
Imagine being told you're not the race you think you are, or you're trying to be some other race, simply because you happen to have a little intelligence and a different taste in music?
Imagine finding out years later that your own grandfather was a child molestor, and you were one of the few he didn't get a chance to get to, but you don't know if you should feel happy or guilty because he hurt other members of your family, including your younger sister.
Imagine, please... having what you thought was your best friend, fuck, soul friend... not show up during your time of need simply because they didn't feel like it...
...but don't you dare ever do that to them.
Imagine having a sister mentally and emotionally abuse you for fifteen years, and then you have to try and keep her from doing the same thing to your younger siblings, and you're still trying to recover eleven years later because you just don't understand why it happened at all.
Imagine, please, living all this... every single day,
You're lucky, I only said one week.
You want to kill yourself because you got upset and lashed out at people who have done nothing to you?
...and they say I'm crazy.
Because even with all that up there going on, I don't. And I'll be honest, I have thought about it on more than one occasion, mainly when I was younger. But it's not that I want to die, only that I'm tired and need a break.
But there isn't any for me.
And I still don't want to die.
Don't. Don't try and make us feel guilty because you lashed out at us and we did not feel like taking your misplaced anger.
Don't try and blame us because of your own problems.
Don't you dare try and lump us together with whoever else you feel has wronged you.
Because we won't.
Because it's not.
Because we're not.
Look over it, Jen. Look carefully. None of this started until you felt you had to tell everyone you were tired of hearing their dribble.
If you were tired, you could have just not read it instead.
Think, Jen. Think about the times you've been upset and who was on the receiving end, because I can promise you that at least half the time, whoever it was didn't deserve it.
Look around you, Jen. You do have people who would like to be caring friends, but how can they when they never know if they're going to be the victim of some more misplaced anger?
The only one who's hurting you, really, is you right now.
But don't make us feel bad if you want to make yourself bleed, because none of us are holding the knife. You are.
My apologies to anyone who feels this may have been a rant/whine. This is a reason why I don't like talking about myself. I'm not looking for sympathy.
Perhaps, though, some understanding would be nice... for everyone.
Which is why I try to understand others, until I see they do not wish to understand me.
But, as I've said before, not everyone is like me.
