Locuran - "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."

Locuran

Thursday, August 30, 2001

(8:43 a.m.) [link]

This is the last entry I'll make until I come back on Monday. If something goes wrong somewhere, I'll fix it when I get back.
I need this like nothing I've ever needed before. My nerves are frayed, my muses comatose, and my general well being ain't being well.

I'm worried about finding my roomie, but once I do that, and find an ATM when I get there, I'm going to forget I exist as me for a bit.

I'm never Gen the sarcastic/cynical/jaded pessimist or LN the yaoi writer outside of this computer. At the con, I'm going to be the latter.

----'s taking a hike. (I hate my first name, even if I kept the initials for my pen name)

True, LN, as well as Gen, are only personality fragments, but it's going to be an interesting experience living as one of those fragments outside of the computer.

I wonder if I can find a kimono in my size

But more than anything, I must get away from this family for a few days. They don't realise that by clinging to me for all their worth, they're killing me. Not literally (I should be so lucky), but I've felt no will or energy to do anything I normally like doing. Coding, writing, RPing... ever since summer session let out and I've had nearly 24 hour mom, I've just felt 'blegh'.

I am an introvert. I do not get my 'energy' from being around others, I get it from within, and spend it on others. So having the lady constantly asking of my presence/company is draining me in ways I doubt she'll ever truly understand.

And she's so damn needy. And she doesn't know when to let me go. I hate to see what she's going to do when I do move out, because there's no way I can see being her roommate.

Now my brother, I can see rooming with. We hardly talk to each other. not in a bad way, we just... are. We have similar tastes/likes, but we're severe individualists who need our space. I think I'm worse, as he tends to get into the philosophical discussions with parental unit, where as I try and avoid them.

Not that I don't like philosophical discussions, I adore them, but she never hits on topics I care to discuss on that level.
And she can't relate to how I express myself, not that I even want her to.

I feel like I'm someone's battery, and great gods, I need a recharge.

I'm more than tired, I'm weary. I feel heavy all over, and not just in the physical sense. If there are other versions of me somewhere, then we're all feeling this way.

And I'd sleep, but what good is that when I feel just as exhausted as when I laid down?

tangling within throes
life whispering laughter fades
empty eternal

And I need distance and space and a chance to be left alone free of being asked to share myself when every time I do, I lose a part of myself in the process but when I say no I'm being selfish I'm not selfish I'm just fucking tired.

How much more of myself do people expect me to give when I hardly have anything left? And damn the seven hells now if I lose myself completely.

Fortunately, it's overcast, so I can find some small, minuscule part of myself again, but it's not enough.

above my mirror, there sits a ceramic mask
a study in lively, festive colors
splashes of glittering blues and green
the right eye outlined in silver
and perfect rosebud lips in a deep red

Above my mirror, there sits a ceramic mask
empty eyes that hold no life
cold skin that doesn't give to the touch
a face that never changes expressions
and perfect lips that never smile.

Above my mirror, there sits a ceramic mask
sometimes I wish I were looking in the mirror
sometimes I wonder if I am.

To: Anyone who thinks I'm being overtly melancholy
From: My Depression
Re: Control
I have taken over this puny human, and you, yes, all you pitiful mortals are next! BWA HA HA HA!

Anyway, tangent. I'm going to close up shop, and I'll see everyone (more or less) when I get back.

1 sigh / Breathe here

Tuesday, August 28, 2001

(8:54 p.m.) [link]

Before I begin, to show that I am trying to keep up with the journal circuit (it's been really hard the past week), I just want to say I hope Harlen and Kit both feel better soon. Especially Harlen, you sound like you're going to need it if school's starting back up. A escola mata a alma

Don't you wish all classes were online?

Someone siphon the emotions from me
I neither want nor need them.
And while you're at it, take my facial expressions.
Give me the solid countenance of stone

And do not tell me of the things
I'll surely miss out of in life

joy, happiness, love
for each of these, there are two other emotions
that I can well do without.

So the day go so wasted... because she forgot to tell me to go ahead and go by myself if it looked like she wouldn't get in on time.

I want away from her. I love her, but I can't take being under her anymore. Anybody who wants to look at me strange at still living with her doesn't understand she needs me, and often uses me for her own personal emotional crutch and gods above and below, I can't take it anymore!

::takes a quick toll::

So far, numerous personality fragments, but no whole and separate personality. I'd really like to keep it that way.

No, I can't talk to her. She won't listen. Imagine the sheer impotence I feel when I have told her some advice for years, but she only really listens to it when she hears it from a perfect stranger.

Basic scenrio:
Mom: [insert stranger's name] told me some good advice today when s/he said [insert advice].
Me: I've been telling you that for years.
Mom: I know, and I listen to you, but... [insert glib excuse on why it only now is being seen as the good advice it always was]

That has been played out too many times to even bother trying to count.

And gods, I'm so damn tired. I can't even go to her when I need help, because she can't help me with what I need. And at this point, I honeslty hate asking for help because when I do, NOBODY ever answers my requests. I've asked soemone to watch over te ML while I'm gone... nothing. I've asked someone to help with a part of the site while I'm gone. Nothing. I've asked for help with SRB. Nothing. I've asked for help to sign people up for a service on my site. Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Gee, if they say suicide is a subconscious cry for help, I'd be in trouble.

I'm tired, I'm bitter, even thugh I don't want to be, and... to hell with it. Ki's on, at least, and if there's still one thing I can do, it's RP with her.

I'll take what I can get nowadays.

2 sighs / Breathe here

(10:02 a.m.) [link]

She died before she could grasp life
but I'm not sad for her
she's escaped, she's free
she's a new star forming in the universe.
she's a gentle spring rain
a windy day, perfect for kite flying
a comet flying through space...

she is a new rose,
opening for the very first time
to the morning sun

She is all these, she is everything
and she is with me
always

::sigh::

Funeral today. I don't have to go, not sure I'd want to even if I did. My cousin's premie passed a few days ago. I guess I wasn't expecting them to ask any of us if we wanted to go. Mom's going. I'm not that close to them. Mom said I shouldn't. She's insisting I go to Yaoicon since of all of us, I'm the only one who's yet to travel somewhere beyond Disneyland or something.

I wonder if the overcast is symbolic. Or maybe the clouds know and are giving me what they can. Thank you.

Officially I will go into 'net silence far as my journal and email goes. If any problem arises, I'll need one volunteer who will get access to all areas of the program at SRB to make sure things run okay. However, if the problem extends beyond that, all I can say is I'll fix it soon as I get back... and catch up on the sleep I know I'll have missed.

I'm feeling strange, and not in a very pleasant way. I admit to a small surge of selfishness, but it lasted for all of a half second. The original plan for today was for mom and I to go to the clothing store because I still need a couple of peices for my trip on Friday. The funeral plan apparently came up all of a sudden this morning. If it was planned before, I wasn't told about it, and mom indicated that today would be a good day to go. She keeps putting me off, we were suppose to go last week. So I say I'll go alone. No harm, no foul... except she wanted to go to the store and can't I wait until tomorrow...

I'm getting tired... of having to constantly bend my plans to suit others, especially when their presence isn't even an integral part of said plan. I can go alone, why the hell does she want to come to? I don't even like shopping for clothes, for crap's sake. It will probably take me less time to get it myself anyway.

And she's borrowed money from me all this month even though she said she wouldn't... she borrowed my calling card that I'm suppoe to use for emergencies while I'm gone... and oh fates, I swear if I find out something goes wrong with her paying me back and I can't go, I will never talk to her or my younger sister again. Why her? She's one of the main reasons mom has to borrow money from me in the first place. She's constantly trying to get something out of someone to feed her own addiction.

I don't understand why she wants to go with me. I'm certainly not going to be petty and say 'forget the funeral'. Truth, if it were requested that I go, even not wanting to, I would. This would mean getting into a van full of people whose company I'd want about as much as I'd like to jump in the Amazon river, naked, with tartar sauce spread on me... but I'd do it. But I'm not being asked to go. I'm not asking her to come with me instead, either. I just want to go to the store and get this overwith. I don't want to cut it close. I just want to make sure I'm ready.

I don't understand, honestly. As soon as I heard, I immediately changed my plans. Perhaps, if I am honest, in finding her unabel to go, I somehow, whether consciously or no, even managed to look forward to going alone.

...yes, if I'm honest with myself at this point, I don't want her to go with me now. She's constantly sending the wrong message to my younger siblings when she always steps in and tries to solve their problems, even though she's forever griping about doing it. My brother's 17, my sister's 20... but when she does this, how can she complain about them constantly depending on her?

...okay, she just explained why she wants to go with me. She hardly interacts with me outside the home environment. (try because every time I go outside I'm consciously having to drown thoughts of various 'Mo`re Moments' about the general populous) So we've reached a compromise, we'll go later today when she comes back. So now I have to get out of this "I want to go alone" mentality that, oddly, was far easier to get that I may be comfortable admitting to.

This is the other reason I know I need this trip... I have to get out from under them. They cling too, too much. Why? They should know, I don't like being too close. I just can't help it. I had to become this way, it was the only way to keep... ...keep him safe.

Please please please, try and understand... it's not that I don't care. I just can't risk giving myself freely. I have to keep him safe, he's all I have...

I was hoping I wouldn't be thoughtful today. I want to try and relax. I'm already nervous about going... but not in a bad way. I just wanted to unwind. I've been wound up ever since last weekend and I had planned on taking today out for myself... home facial... relaxing shower... my Native American drums CD...

I may as well, considering my cable connection has been going out on me every day between 10-2. It gets fixed Wednesday.

But no, I'm sitting here with a million and one words going through my head, and twice as many possible emotions (key word, possible) and everything is fighting for dominance but I can't decide which to give voice to first... and they all despise me for that because their needs are equal and something wants to be said...

Perhaps, and I think deep down they know, that is when it's best not to say anything at all.

I'd better go. I started this at 8, but it's ten, and I know I'm going to get cut off. Then I'll have to use the phone line for a time.

If you ever have a choice between AT&T and any other company, NEVER choose AT&T. Their tech lines are employed by incompetent people who don't know how to direct your call, don't know how to help, and some don't even know what services the company offers. No joke, I called Saturday, and the operator said she didn't know about AT&T having high speed internet service.

Do youself a favor, never use AT&T. Really, I'm only saying this to help you out.

3 sighs / Breathe here

Monday, August 27, 2001

(12:13 p.m.) [link]

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you a true idiot. A peer among the rest of the average and lowly class of idiots. This man takes idiocy to new levels that we prayed we'd never see. Fellow brethren, I present The Idiot King. Learn from his words of non-wisdom, then go out and do the opposite.

breathless / Breathe here

(5:43 a.m.) [link]

Why oh why am I up at 5:30?
When I went to bed at 2:40?
Please, body, go to sleep...

My cycle's early... yay. /=_=| Just what I always wanted.

Picked up sweet new CD at monthly electronic swapmeet for $15.

Kit: Is there more than one ending to CC? I know there was in CT. And do they mention Magus at all? (If the reference confuses you, log on AIM sometime today).

I doubt if I'll have Rara all nice and ready like I wanted before I left, but I at least do have part of The Sanctuary revamped, so now writers who have an account can post their fics directly to the site.

::sigh:: I want to sleep, I really do. Damnit, body, go to SLEEP.

Why oh why does it choose now of all times to get weird hours?

breathless / Breathe here

Saturday, August 25, 2001

(2:58 p.m.) [link]

Oh yeah, before I forget, I wanted to rant about the Nightwalker series. And since I know I'm going to spoil it to the high heaven, I'll black it out. If curiosity just overwhelms you to read, not my fault.

Let me start off by saying this. If you like old PI series, horror, and anime, this is probably right up your alley.

Voices:
     The dubbed version of the protagonist, one Tatsuhiko Shido, sounds like something right out of those b/w PI movies back in the day. This in and of itself isn't a bad thing save it doesn't really match his looks. However, please to note that when he's emotional, the 'detective' voice drops and he sounds much more realistic, leaving me to believe it's a case of bad acting/directing.
     His partner (for lack of a better term), Yayoi Matsunaga (and someone tell me why they used the common Japanese practice with Shido's name at the site but used common Western practices for everyone else?) sounds like she could easily work as a phone sex operator. However, given the image of the anime standard 'cool, sexy chick who's calm under fire', I find this more than appropriate.
     Guni is a small fairy/familiar type critter (in the dub she says she's an urban fairy, whatever the hell that's suppose to be) who usually hides in Shido's hair (there's enough of it, rowr). It's high pitched, squeaky, and would probably be annoying (and probably is to a lot of people), but I personally liked her, and had no problem with it. This is mainly due to her personality, which I'll get to later.
     Riho Yamazaki... Shido's teenage secretary and has a crush on him. And I'll tell you up front that's about the only nice thing I'm going to say about her. Before you asked, hell no, this ain't unbiased. I'm a yaoi fan, damnit. Anyway, her voice was typical teenage little Miss sunshine. Reminds me of the English version of Sailor Mars, only nowhere near as shaky IMO. Of course, I'm bound to find it annoying simply because I don't like the character. Hey, I never said this wasn't going to be opinionated.
     Cain, the antagonist (I can't really call him a villain, though that's a personal reason) who changed Shido and basically caused him all kinds of grief. I like the second chara design (more on that later), but the voice, especially with the first version of him, was a heavily overdone Bela Lugosi type thing going on here. (Of course, when the actual word 'Transylvania' came up, I should have known it was going to be cheesy). Now I don't know if I simple got used/immune to it when Cain2.0 came along, but the accent didn't seem as pronounced. It was still there, though, rest assured. I personally think they would have been better off giving him an British accent if they want to give him some kind of distinguished sound, but that's just me.

Personality:
     Shido is typical 'cool under fire' anime guy mixed with slight pervert and typical 'angst ridden past' anime guy. IMO, he's at his best when he's being a pervert or he's fighting. Anything in between is just to get keep the story moving, I guess. Not really a typical vampire, however. He's got a sense of humor, you see. He does go to the 'doesn't hurt humans' end of the road. In anime, vamps usually fall under this or the 'humans are my Happy Meals' department. With better writers He could have had much more depth, but thinking about it, I don't think it's suppose to be a serious series anyway. I guess I have to look at it for what it is, campy. In that case, they did a good job. But if they intended for it to be a dramatic horror series, it fell flat in the drama depot.
     Yayoi is typical 'cool under fire' anime chick. She's 'well built' and carries a big gun. Up until ep 9, which is her origin story, she's just the partner in crime. She's also Shido food supply. Now according to the official CPM site, she's immune to the bite. However, this was never really (far as I know) explained in the anime itself... so you're on your own far as that goes.
     Guni is Shido's annoyance, to put it mildly. However, I like her mainly because of how she acts towards Riho. When asked by Yayoi where Riho was in one ep, Guni replied, "The assistant we never asked for?" She makes a lot of sense most times, and she helped Shido out major during a fight with Cain1.0. She really does care, but she's mainly sarcastic and, well, annoying. But in a good way to me.
     Riho is annoying, and in the bad way. Simple as that. She is the so-called innocent one, even after getting vamped out by Shido to save her hide back in ep 4 (I think, one of those eps). She's got an obvious and disgusting crush on Shido, and becomes jealous of Yayoi prior to finding out about Shido's 'eating habits'. (Girl tried to give him something she cooked... with garlic). Frankly, looks and personality wise, there's not much competition between her and Yayoi. Why they make her the love interest is far beyond me. She doesn't do anything save serving coffee and being, well, a secretary. She brought nothing to the series and, personally, I felt she detracted from Shido as a character. He probably could have been much better if he didn't have to spend nearly a third of the series worried about her.
     Cain1.0 (I'll get into why there's two different version in the character design section) was, to be blunt, overdone. Wanting to take over/control humanity, get Shido back on his side, yadda yadda yadda. This version also happens to be the only one who knows Shido's past, because he himself is suffering amnesia about his human years. Shido maybe [probably] isn't his real name, he doesn't know. Again, as far as this version goes.
     Cain2.0 is more subdued. He still holds humanity in the same regard we do a hamburger, but the megalomaniac aspect is either dimmed or removed altogether. He's focused on one thing and one thing only, getting Shido back. Granted, he's a cold, manipulative bastard who will do something really painful to Shido, only to say "I do this out of love." But, being the manic yaoi girl that I am... I can forgive him that. Then two, he only really shows up in two eps anyway... not enough to get a better feel of him outside what's been said.

Character Design
     For some odd reason, everyone save Riho and Guni underwent a redesign in mid series. For Shido, it was more subtle as his hair became longer, and I think his outfit changed slightly. Yayoi got a dye job and went from a redhead to raven black. I prefer the black, actually, it looked good on her.
     But Cain was completely redone. Version one was not that hot. Pink wavy hair, pointed ears, and protruding fangs (where Shido's only comes out when he's fighting/upset). His skin appeared slightly wrinkled, I guess to give him the aged look of an older vamp. I'm sure there's a fangirl who may like this version, but I'm not one of them. And it's not the one they show at the site, either. (So imagine how I felt when I first heard Shido call him Cain. ::shudder:: )
     Then around on the second DVD, we get version 2.0. This Cain is blond, the hair perhaps a bit straighter. His fangs are now hidden like Shido's, and he looks younger than version 1. It's a vast improvement (emphasis on vast), however, there's this little problem concerning plot...

Plot
     Don't get me started. If you're looking for something linear, you'd be better off watching Key: The Metal Idol, or Please Save My Earth. Hell, You'd get a more cohesive storyline if you watched Ranma 1/2 out of order. This thing is choppier than G-Force or Robotech.
     When it starts, you have Shido, a detective who takes cases concerning Breed. Breed seems to be demons of some sort who usually are either trying to find a body to possess, or else something that kills/eats humans. From what I gather, they are not vampires, but are a totally different grouping unto themselves. It's hard to say. Anyway, he's often teamed up with Yayoi, an agent of some group simply referred to as the NOS, who specializes in cases involving Breed attacks. Riho is his as yet still human secretary who doesn't know he's a vamp. (That lasts for all of... what, 2 eps? Sheesh).
     Now then, in the span of, oh four eps or so, Riho finds out Shido's a vamp (she still comes back). Cain1.0 appears talking about some "Golden Dawn", and we meet a woman who looks for her fiance, only he's been possessed by a Breed while in a coma. She makes out with said Breed possessed boyfriend, who dies later, then finds out she's pregnant. Half human half breed child that apparently is the signal to this whole Golden Dawn thing Cain's trying to make happen. At the same time, he tries luring Shido back to his side. You see a flashback of him and Shido snacking on some unnamed chick, and Shido doesn't seem to hate Cain at that point. Cain fails, he brings out Riho and slashes her (and if you're like me, you were hoping she'd have bit it). He and Shido get into it, he nearly has Shido, but Guni pops up for a last minute save (go Guni!) and Shido ends up holding a blade to Cain's neck. Cain tries bating him, saying he's the only one who know's Shido's past. Guess Shido didn't care to now about it anymore. Cain falls down, minus one head. And we all know if you lose your head and you're a vamp, you're pretty much dead. Cut to Shido holding the dying Riho (damnit, she didn't bite it) and her asking him to vamp her out so she can be with him or some crap like that. And dumbass that he is, does it. Great, so now I have immortal Riho... joy. Rapture. Really, you can feel my enthusiasm through the monitor, I'm sure...
     And if you think that was convoluted, imagine fitting it in to roughly 4-5 half hour eps!
     Now then, we come back, only the character designs have taken effect. Shido and Yayoi are still doing the Breed hunt thing, Riho's the reluctant vampire (sounds like a bad children's book), and Guni's... Guni.
     And mangled continuity, take one. Shido starts having flashbacks about his human past. Hello? Why? When? How? he couldn't remember anything. Okay, I'll let this slide. It's very possible to get memories back, even after a couple hundred years.
     Mind you, the one constant is the fact of when Riho is changed into a vamp. That doesn't change, and I assure you, will blow any theories you may try and come up with to explain it out the water. You see, in ep eleven we see a slice of Shido's past (the one he can't remember... ::smacks self:: Bad me.). Here he faces a witch and has several confrontations with Cain... version 2.0. Now if they had left this as it was, one could simply say, well, it's a flashback, and Cain was younger... right? Yeah, you could... except there's one more ep after this...
     This time it's the dream ep. I'm not going to spoil this one, I'm still trying to blot it out from my mind. But at the end we find everything that occurred was a dream Shido was having. He wakes up back in the present with Yayoi and the vamped out Riho... and we see who caused the dream. Yup. Cain2.0... I guess someone forgot to tell him he died as a pink-haired critter back on the first DVD. No, there's no explanation on how a pink-haired Cain gets his head cut off, only to come back all hunky-dory as a better looking blonde. Even the dynamic of his relations

Ep 9, the origin of Yayoi
     ...and the first of the annoying timeline trick they pull about three different times on the second DVD, because they open the ep directly in the past and don't clue the viewer in until the very end that the entire thing was a flashback. Once is fine... but three times (the last being a dream sequence versus a flashback) is a bit much. Especially so close together. Anyway, I'm going to spoil this ep simply because I did like it. You've been warned.
     Open with Shido first arriving in the city and complaining about not there a day and crime all around. Enter Guni and their first meeting. For some reason or another she just sticks around and annoys him. (Glad she did). He checks into an inn(?) and meets Kasumi (aptly named). While signing her in we also meet her sister, some poor girl who's face is wrapped in bandages (and shall hence be known as Mummy Girl, or MG). MG harbors the usual hatred towards the beautiful sister and takes it out on her every chance she gets. During first argument Kasumi gets bitch slapped and loses her pendant (cue foreshadowing). Shido picks it up and returns it to her later. Kasumi sadly explains to Shido how a they had been playing with matches when they were children and a fire started, costing them their house, family, and her (twin) sister's face. Not that it's Shido's business. Cut to outside scene of him and Guni going for a walk. Cue scream. Run. Find body with face ripped off. Cue Breed speculation. More interaction between him, Kasumi, and MG. Cut to different night and first confrontation with Breed, who gets away. By this time he suspects its MG (and by this time the viewer knows better). He corners MG about it when she comes in that night, but Kasumi gives him an alibi about being with her the whole time. Lie, of course. Cut to scene with sisters, during which time MG chokes Kasumi until she's unconscious, ranting about hating her, yadda yadda yadda. Kasumi's out cold, MG takes the pendant and heads for the basement. Shido and Guni are discussing things in his room when they see MG walk off. Cue the tailing scene. Pendant turns out to be a key to a door. MG goes inside and viewer gets a dim look at faces plastered all over the place (they could have been more graphic with this part. It is horror). Shido walks in for another confrontation, MG claims innocence, enter Kasumi who admits to everything and saying how it was all her fault. Cue flashback. Her and MG in the fire as kids, Kasumi screaming she didn't care what happens to her, but someone to save her sister. Fade to hospital where Kasumi wakes up untouched. Here she meets the Breed who says it granted her wish. In return, it would inhabit Kasumi's young, beautiful body (obviously this one's got a vain streak). Cut back to present, cue short fight scene with Shido, only MG stops him, saying it's all her fault (these girls have an obvious guilt complex going on). Cue yet another flashback, with young MG bugging Kasumi to do something. Scene shift to the girls lighting a birthday cake reading 'Happy Birthday Kasumi [and] Yayoi"
     Gee, bet you didn't see that coming....
     Yayoi explains how if she hadn't pushed her to do it, none of it would have happened. And she felt guilty, but she couldn't cope, so it came out as hate, and heh, Kasumi's an easy target. She still has her face... It was the only way to deal.
     Two words, behavior therapy.
     Cut back to present, Kasumi has set the place on fire, saying she's going to end the nightmare and take Yayoi's hate with her as her proof of how much she loves her. Yayoi tries bribing the demon to take her instead. Pheh, right. It wants a beautiful body, Mummy Girl. So she tries choking it out. Nope. Kasumi runs into the flames, Breed finally comes out. One shot by Shido nails it. Yayoi follows Kasumi and holds the dying girl in her arms. Cue sentimental mush. Yayoi left screaming Kasumi's name... yadda yadda yadda. Cut to hospita

Conclusion
If you want your bish without much in the way of plot, continuity, or just plain sense, this is perfect. However, if you're looking for any of those, looks elsewhere. And if you're a yaoi fan... cut it off right after the kissing scene in ep twelve. Trust me.

So there's pretty much my summary/rant of the whole shebang. If I'm really ambitious, I might go through it ep by ep one day. Who knows.

breathless / Breathe here

Tuesday, August 21, 2001

(7:38 a.m.) [link]

It's cloudy. It may be muggy/humid today. But it's cloudy and cool now and maybe that's why I woke up so early so I can enjoy the peaceful solitude and pretend I'm the only one for miles around. I see the brown tile roofs of the houses next door, then the even, geometric rectangles of the windows in the hospital across the street... but there's nobody in them during these times. When the sun is cruel to me and casts that light, waking everything up and bringing with it the chaos of reality, then I'll bitterly acknowledge the existence of others...

...but not now.

There's nobody in the houses, and only death in the hospital I see. I can say that with more than a little personal experience... I lost an uncle there, you see. One of the few related whom I did like. And he shouldn't have died... but they were incompetent. They didn't read his chart and realized he'd had surgery before. They didn't do any exploratory surgery so they'd know what his insides were like, including the scarring from previous operations. So they couldn't find the wound they had created and sew it back to keep him from bleeding to death on the table from a surgery that by all rights should have been simple, done, and over with in a matter of hours.

Not bitter... though there's something to be said for medical incompetence... but not bitter.

There's no reason to be bitter now.

I just know... there's death in that hospital.

It's little wonder I have such a fatalistic view towards living. If something were to happen to me, they'd take me there. Unless it's a gunshot or knife wound of some sort and I'm not already dying, then I'm dead if I go. I'd do better treating myself.

So I glance over there at the dark windows and wonder if any of the still breathing corpses are looking back. Some actually do make it out... but they are never the same.

A woman asked me not to make a derogatory comment about the hospital, claiming they saved her son's life. I told her they didn't save it, they stole my uncle's life and gave it to her son. She didn't talk to me anymore, for which I'm grateful.

I do find it a bit funny how people don't like hearing the truth, or my versions thereof.

I would not be surprised if someone told me there were no doctors there, simply necromancers. Not surprised at all.

And I look at the windows, dark from my viewpoint. And I swear I see Him there with the gleam of he curved blade reflecting the sunlight into my eyes.

But there's no sunlight today. Just me looking at him and wondering who he's going to pick up next.

I see a light in a room go out... I think he's found his dinner companion for the morning.

Time to look elsewhere.

Gloomy thoughts, utterly melancholy to anyone reading, if not tinged with macabre. But who wants to be cheerful and bright and happy and sunny all the time when the words never come then. And it's easy to take the words so dark, and still find a way to end on a note of hope, if one so desires. Not that I have hope. I'm a cynic, a jaded realist who only bothers 'because'. But the words are friends who have never truly failed when I need them most, even if I don't make them all hopeful. I know I can, which is more important.

And in another hospital, my premie femme cousin now has a strong grip on life. Mother and child will be fine.

So for death in one hospital with dark mages dressed in white, there's life in another with true healers in lab coats.

One day... I'll... yeah, one day...

2 sighs / Breathe here

(7:16 a.m.) [link]

That's all I want to know... why why why... Why am I up so flippin' early? It's unnatural, least for me. I have never been a morning person, yet my body decides it wants to wake up super damn early.

Ignore what the time says, that's just when I hit the post button. I've been up since 6:30. Nonononono.

I guess I'll do that rare thing now... you know... answer other people. Honestly, even though I read the journals more or less regularly, I just forget to answer.

Raine Thank you. Oh yeah, you're pages in the other frames weren't loading for me this morning. The pic loaded well enough. I got the 'page cannot be displayed' error for everything else.

Harlen: Again, thank you, and no, I purposely mangled it. Private joke that originally started with a comma being placed right after the 'there', but the femme who helped me mangle it started leaving off the comma for reasons that shall not be repeated to young, innocent ears. ::COUGH::

Amber: One more thank you, andI don't hate my brithday per se, just those people who either see it as a means to get free food (I haven't let anyone get a plate off me in years because of that) or else they don't think it's important enough to say something on the day of and treat it as an afterthought a day later. Save your breath, I say. This oes to those who knew, who had no good excuse, and still want to wait. (My step g.mother is old, and I honestly didn't think she'd remember anyway. Those who couldn't get online I wasn't looking for, either. These and others who have a legit reason aren't who I'm talking about, it's those who don't that I'd rather said nothing at all).

I feel like streaming a bit, but I'll save it for the next post.

Last note, a friend said I should allow comment posting in the old posts, otherwise there's no point to linking to the entries. I say people who usually read have their own journals... which I probably read anyway, so they can respond there. Pitas, Livejournal, and all those other places have more space than I do, I'm sure.

1 sigh / Breathe here

Monday, August 20, 2001

(8:13 a.m.) [link]

And then I woke up, wishing I hadn't,
knowing the same things would greet my eyes.

Oh for a purple morning sky and a blue sun.
A blaxing moon to light up the teal evening stars

It's not quite 8 yet, but I woke up around 6:30. Much too early.

I had a brainstorm a couple of days ago. I've always wanted soemthing similar to fanfiction.net, but knew the cost of hiring someone to write a program like that is far beyond anything I could afford...

...but now I don't have to.

I can just modify another greymatter and use that. Template driven, so I can make it look like my other fics, and all I have to do is recode the author pages themselves.

Sometimes the answer really is staring me in the face.

Pet peeves for today:

People who knew when b-day was and yet still want to come back after it's over and say something. Save it. I'd rather have silence than be an afterthought.

People who give away something of mine (in this case, food) and don't bother checking to see if it's okay on the premise that I have an over abundance. I don't care if I have the world's supply, ask me first.

People coming over the day after to look for leftovers. Look, moocher, if you're going to mooch, do it right. Come the day on, give some glib excuse of getting a present later when you can affrod it, then try and get me for a plate. It's not going to work, but I'll respect the effort a hell of a lot more.

People feeling obligated to doing something out of duty. If it just bites your ass that much to do something nice, then do us both a favor and don't do it at all. I don't need the backhanded gesture, thank you.

That's all for now, I might add more later.

2 sighs / Breathe here

Saturday, August 18, 2001

(10:29 p.m.) [link]

Needless to say I was bored out of my mind. It was too hot to get any real work done. The only person I know IRL who cares at all is maman. My aunt came over and didn't even remember (I told mom not to remind her, either. She'd stay longer and put on this mask and come up with some glib excuse about getting me gift later that will never appear). My ex (and I mean ex) best friend called up with some lame crap about having a gift for me and coming by with it. I've known her for over ten years now. She's got a gift for me... and I'm the new Empress of China.

Typical typical typical day.

Mom feels guilty because she couldn't afford to get me anything (Hello? She cooked everything, she already gave me something... food). I don't think she should feel guilty at all. I have other relatives... you think they feel guilty?

I'm going to try and get some coding in before I crash. It will wind up the day so... typically.

breathless / Breathe here

(9:01 a.m.) [link]

To those wondering, I'm still breathing (not by choice). I'm in the process of recoding the files for one of my sites... and it's a lot. So if someone wants to do me a favor and say, oh, kill me now, I'd be much obliged.

breathless / Breathe here

(7:52 a.m.) [link]

Lovely, another year today. I'm not sure what I'm feeling, right now. I don't know if I'm having another depression attack... naw. I know how those feel. I should be feeling happy, yet I'm not, not really.

My logic is married to my apathy right now, and I guess they're in the control center at the moment.

All I really want is for those orbital relaives of mine (the ones who should know by now I don't like them) to not show up.

If I can't get anything else, I at least want some peace.

breathless / Breathe here

Thursday, August 16, 2001

(6:12 p.m.) [link]

I'm not. I'm not going to say how truly horrendous my day was, because if I do, I'm going to get severely mad again and I don't want to get mad when there's absolutely nothing to be done about it.

No... I'm going to go take a nap, then wake up, then get right back to recoding that mountain of fics I have waiting for me.

Yes, that sounds nice and simple. Simple is good. People don't understand simple, I think.

Then again, they don't understand why exactly I want a guillotine for my birthday, either.

You try walking around your house with someone blasting their car stereo so loud that everything inside your place is vibrating and see if you wouldn't want some weapon of execution/torture for yourself.

Parental unit said Iron Maidons are both outdated and illegal.

I say some people just have it coming.

Everyone, meet Macabre.

Macabre and Self are quite intimate with one another.

I'm waiting for Yaoicon roomie to email me and let me know when the reg days for the room is. Of course, on the off chance that she claism at the last minute that she cannot go, I'm going to kill something. Preferrably a person.

A friend of Ki's (no, not a typo, there's a Ki and a Kit, trust me) made a movie documenting a character's decent into madness. I don't need documentation. I'm already there. I send people postcards to find the place.

Someone document a person's decent into lucidity. That's the real prison.

Even after I told the @#)@#$ at the clinic I did NOT want to see a particular doctor, they give me a return appointment to see same said doctor. So, because I know people are intimidated by more than one number in a party, I've enlisted backup to come with me on the appointment, and calmly tell her that I would like to put in a request for a new doctor. I'm waiting for her to ask me why, so backup can let her have it.

You know it's bad when you go into a mental clinic and come out even more fucked up than when you arrived.

In the "there's somewhere always worse than where you are" department. I heard from the ::cough:: manager (translate: glorified collector of the rent and nothing more) that there is another set of apartments owned by the management company who owns these places. They're worse. He said the area around there is owned by the Rolling 60s, and they shot up a 14-yea-old and tossed the body up in the driveway of the apartments.

I don't want to move out of these apartments anymore. No, really, I don't. I want to move out of this gods-be-damned REALITY.

I'll end it on that note, simply because this is another fragmented post that makes no sense. But I am not burdened with coherency when it comes to my entries, as been previously noted in the past.

Sleep... now.

breathless / Breathe here

Wednesday, August 15, 2001

(11:16 p.m.) [link]

Head and lower extremities hurt. Brain hurts. Check, brain broken. Files still needing to be coded, organized, and what have you. Saturday... no comment. And hae to drag sorry rear end outta lumpy bed tomorrow to finally get drugs that I've been meaning to get for weeks.

I envy the dead and their lack of concerns with this reality right about now...

breathless / Breathe here

(6:49 a.m.) [link]

There is, at least to me, something infinitely sad in having so little to look forward that one forgets their own birthday is coming up.

I've been working so hard on trying to recode all these fics that... poof. Forgot. I didn't remember until last night.

No, not a bit for sympathy or anything (please, those who know me know better). But this is the first time I've forgotten.

Of course, this is the first time August didn't drag on for a year or so, too.

Well, I'll celebrate it as I've always done. Mom barbeques, we eat, I work on comp or chat.

I have to cherish even that much... since no parent is immortal, no matter how much we wish they were.

Someone remind me, please... to go to the clinic no later than Thursday and get some flippin' lithium.

breathless / Breathe here

Tuesday, August 14, 2001

(7:12 a.m.) [link]

Yanked from the death of sleep because of internal problems. Took care of them. Decided that sleep was a temporary relief and got up to do some more work.

But my body thinks otherwise, and it's got a louder voice.

breathless / Breathe here

Monday, August 13, 2001

(8:14 p.m.) [link]

What does one do... when one can see they are going slowly and inexplicably insane...

...and there's not a damn thing to be done about it?

breathless / Breathe here

(8:10 p.m.) [link]

What does one do when after reading works ten and twenty times better than anything one could possibly hope to write, one feels the only other option left is to burn the keyboard or whatever other writing utensil is used?

And why do I feel this way? I try and ask myself this, and I try and answer, but I am just left with this hollow feeling that I think has been with me since my coming into this reality and perhaps there is no way to get rid of it or fill it.

Not even temporarily.

So I go and try and be happy in this other world born of my own mind, even though I rarely play me but others and does it matter really if I'm happy in this world or not?

Worse is reading fics and knowing the fics are good and they should make one feel happy inside, but all one feels is the same emptiness like before.

And there is no cure, not for me.

And I can't think of death, because there are those whom I inadvertantly twined my life energy with, either in real life or online, and I owe them more than some note with futile explanations because there really is no answer to the question "why?"

Why indeed, when all one wants is some relief from this void created as a defense mechanism because even that is better than crying.

And I can't cry... because there is still that question of "why?"

Why why why why why...

When the answer is so simple for me but nobody else is me and I cannot make anyone understand 'why'.

And to whatever deities are listening perhaps I have lost faith in organized religion, or religion period, and my fellow man. And it's quite easy to do when one tries so hard to be what one is suppose to according the the 'rulebooks' but it feels like there's no one else is even knows what the damn book is anymore.

And I'm so tired.

People I don't even know want me to bond with them and how can I when I can't even form any kind of relationship with people I grew up with.

And my only consolation is the hope that I pissed them off enough to never want to call me.

The time for bonding with siblings is over. Please, don't think, or even worse, assume that simply because we have an accidental genetic link that you take precedence in a life that is already set.

Even with my void, this would be incorrect thinking.

And it's not that I'm trying to distance myself, but you can tell when you and someone else have absolutely nothing in common. So then blood really isn't enough to establish a relationship on.

Someone asked how is it I can feel closer to someone I've never physically met before, versus some long lost siblings.

Simple. I share common interest with this person. This person has never once tried to put themselves in some self-perceived level of importance as far as my priorities go. This person does not tell me to make someone I've agreed to talk to before hand wait so that I may instead share time with them.

This person does not look at me with eyes filled with disbelief/disgust when I say I don't like to socialize much in the way they feel I should. They don't give me the same looks when I say I do prefer my computer because in truth, there is nobody IRL that I can relate to. They don't give me those looks when I explain patiently that, yes, I do like to view the fantasy world of slash and yaoi and male/male relationships that I am fully aware will never happen IRL... and why is that so different from wanting to watch straight porn with two live women?

Least mine is restricted to make-believe people.

I cannot talk to someone I have nothing in common with. It's impossible. I do not expect anyone to talk to me for the same. And I certainly don't demand that they do.

And oh gods... I'm so tired right now.

And I wish... or I would... if I felt more than this growing nothing inside me.

And all I can end with is me looking at an assignment in art class where we had to draw negative space...

...and slowly beginning to laugh and the sad irony of it all.

breathless / Breathe here

(9:21 a.m.) [link]

Insert random original character moment, that may turn into random ongoing storyline. You've been warned.

He was a small child, even for a sprite. The runt of the litter, one would say...

And the cutest.

Never had any sprite child of Selvanus so closely reflected their season of birth. Skin so pale it was nearly white, a head of curly hair even lighter than his tone. And his eyes...

Blue...deep, icy, unbroken blue. No pupil, no whites, but a vast expanse that seem to go beyond his eyes... perhaps even his soul.

"Do you see, dearest? He truly is a child of his season."

"Yes, he is. The others should see him now. Please, call them in."

A tree in a forest, taller than perhaps any ever known by humans, shook it's branches. To mortal ears, the ony sound made is the rustling of leaves. But no mortal has lived in the forest for many a century, and the enchanted creatures dwelling there heard the clear boom of the forest god.

"Ariadne! Kesa! Galen! Come see! Your brother has finally joined us! Come see!"

Three children ranging from twelve to four ran towards the tree. Soon they were climbing up, the two girls turning it into a race as they jumped and scrambled to each branch, lifting themselves higher and higher. The only boy took a slower pace, his thoughts of the latest addition to their family. Finally, all three tumble inside a door halfway up, the boy helping his sisters to their feet as he's the last one in.

"Thanks, Galen."

"Why didn't you race with us?"

"Because someone has to get you to your feet when you get here." Though the youngest, Galen was the most thoughtful, well advanced for his four years, and it showed. "Now, let's go meet our brother."

"Right! This way!" The eldest, Ariadne, took lead. Galen and Kesa shook they head. Far be it from them to try and tell the spring-born child not to be so bossy. It was simply who she was, as were both of them.

The children walked through their home, carved directly into the large tree. It didn't take long before they filed into their parents room. Their father stood beaming, his hair as white as the infant just born due to the season. Next season it would change to a pale green and pink color to reflect the time. Their mother rested on the bed, her dark hair flowing over her shoulders with the eternal tinge of green. In her arms was the new addition, delicate for his size and winter coloring.

"Is that...?"
"He's so cute!"

Galen let his sisters gush. He had other ideas in mind anyway. The small baby was adorable, but more than that, Galen had seen glimpses of his life even before the child was born. This one was special, he just didn't know why... yet.

The young boy shook his head, then went and crawled on the bed next to their mother. "Does he have a name, yet?"

"Not yet." Selvanus leaned down to tickle his son, the infant giggling softly. "We were still thinking of one."

"Let us name him!" Ariadne practically bounced. "How about... snowflake!"

"Booo-ring." Kesa yawned. "And he's a boy. Oh, I know! Lightning!"

Ariadne stuck out her tongue. "That sounds like something for a cat!"

"Better than some wussy girl's name!"

"There's nothing wrong with snowflake!"

"Suuuuure."

This was a moment Galen had foreseen before, and had resolved to save his new brother from a fate worse than death. Besides, the name he had chosen would suit the baby far more than anything his sisters came up with. Not to mention, names were what shaped a person, and it was clear in the child's eyes where his heart would lie.

"Daibhidh."

"Huh?" Both girls stopped their bickering to turn towards Galen and their parents. Ariadne was the first to speak.

"Why that?"
"What does it mean"
"Does it mean snow?"
"I bet it means super fast or good runner!"

Vedis smiled, looking down at the tiny creature in her arms. "Daibhidh means 'beloved'. And I for one think it's perfect."

"I agree. Yes, Daibhidh." Selvanus gave a hearty laugh, which immediately infected the girls. "Now then, Ariadne, Kesa... Why don't you go and spread the news for us?"

"Sure, poppa!" The girls were already out the door, turning it into another contest to see who could tell more the fastest. Galen said nothing, tuning out his parents' voices as they discussed preparations for the winter celebration. He leaned over his brother, a faint smile touching his lips as the infant reached up to him.

Hello... Winter.

breathless / Breathe here

Saturday, August 11, 2001

(7:31 p.m.) [link]

My 'sibling' whom I met roughly a year or so ago has invited me to come to her daughter's party so she can finally meet me. Fine. Last night she tried getting me to spend the night Saturday night. No prior notice. Not fine. Mom was originally going to go with me. Fine. Now she says it might not be a good idea because her mom is going through some bullshit emotional issues and doesn't want to hear the name of our sperm-donor spoken. Not fine.

I feel like they're trying to get me alone for some reason.

I'm not licensed to carry a concealed weapon.

Remind me to remedy that at some point.

I will keep my pepperspray and ten bucks on me, as I don't know how far away she is (I just know she's far). I will get home is something goes down that I don't like.

Cross your fingers they will end early and bring me back home. I don't like staying around a bunch of people I don't know.

And if something does happen, I'm calling my mothersoon as I get there and telling her where I am, so the cops can look there first. I'm also supplying her witht he names of the two people who got me there in the first place.

Paranoid? Probably, but my instincts are not happy, and I usually listen to them.

Anyone who knows a good way to summon a natural disater, feel free. Then I could get out of this crap.

Why don't people understand I don't socialize and I like being abnormal and alone away from large groups? That's what being an introvert is all about.

ISAFU

2 sighs / Breathe here

(11:12 a.m.) [link]

First I get a terse call from a sibling who wants me to spend the night out in who-knows-where-she-lives, even though another sibling is perfectly happy just leaving early Sunday morning. This terse call is answered by my mother, who proceeds to say in her own terse and irritated way how she is not staying the night at someone's house whom she doesn't know (neither would I, but nobody's listening to me). Then I have an aunt I'm not terribly fond of wanting me to come out my room so she can ask me a question, not thinking that since it is she who wants something from me, she should come to me to get it. This, added to the fact that I have said sibling who wants to leave in the morning calling me after twelve last night and more or less sobbing on my shoulder and telling me what a no good bum our sperm-donor is (tell me some news, man). And to top it off, I only get one Yue-less ep of Card Captors.

All this... and it's not even eleven yet.

So I'm finally going to take out my surreal CD, put in A Perfect Circle, and write out a nice, long, violent 'Mo`re Moment'.

You've all been warned. I don't know what's going to come out, but I'm hereby not responsible got any warping of perceptions.

FUTE

All alone again.

Why? If I crave companionship so much, why do I do these things?

Oh yeah... I don't crave it, just her.

Jarade.

And the streets aren't streets anymore, but trickles of red falling from open eyes no longer seeing anything. Bodies open to the falling rains from the moon kissed sky.

Gives new meaning to the term bleeding heart.

I searched. I searched through out this entire city of damned. They didn't know they were damned. none of us ever know. I certainly didn't. Now I'm the one who condemns...

...I've long since gone past the age of caring when I'm in a state of ill-lucidity.

So I searched, coming to know all of it's populous very personally. This was a truly idealistic city, for there were no elderly and no children.

Children were freeze dried and aged, the elderly conveniently disposed of.

...Even if I hadn't lost my mind again, this place would have been too shallow to leave it standing.

I know a city some miles back who will care for the children, at least.

Ah, I'm going off on a tangent again.

Let's see... oh yes. I'd come to know them all fairly well. It was necessary in order to find the perfect parts. I suppose from this one might be able to surmise that I was quite out of my mind the moment I stepped into this city. This would be incorrect.

I've been insane for a week prior.

So hearing about the perfect city would only serve to fuel my admittedly inhumane desire to go beyond my normal talents of merely painting.

I would create the perfect being, from the perfect city.

So we have to take a heart here, pull a spleen there...

Art is messy, never forget this.

Of course we need the perfect housing for the perfect parts. She's the last one still breathing on her own. I'm quite sure her mind has shut down now. I guess mines would have if it were normal. Heh, that goes right out the window.

Now I can't just kill her, or I'll ruin the body. But I don't really need all her insides. I have those in a large bowl waiting to be rearranged anyway. So I guess a poison is good.

They say the Egyptians of Earth had something they'd use to flush all the insides out from a person's corpse. Works beautifully for living people too.

I really should have worn gloves, but I like getting into my work.

...after spilling so many guts, you'd think putting them back in the proper arrangement would be a cinch...

Doctor Kevorkian, eat your heart out... literally.

I'm not sure nor concerned with how much time has past. This task of my fevered mind consumes my every thought. Part medical, part necromancy, part mortician...

I think I've create a new subclass of... something. I should think of a name for this kind of practice.

The perfect being, though it's still sleeping. Needs a soul, but not any soul...

Jarade's soul is out. I'm still looking for it, anyway.

So... ah yes, little sister... it's been... what, few thousand years?

I can hardly remember my family, save that I had one... before the coming of Hell.

She is a tabula rasa, this perfect being. Perfect eyes open up without a memory of ever having been several different people.

Proof that perfection is created, not born.

Nature is inherently imperfect anyway. Don't believe me? Then... why am I still here?

She doesn't need to see the mess an artist leave behind. I'll leave her with the sleeping children and a letter.

Goodbye, my dear. I have through you attained a new level of my work. I doubt if I can ever replicate it...

I doubt if I'll even remember doing it some decades down the line.

Such is the fate for this immortal.

...now, to go find an all night liquor store.

breathless / Breathe here

Friday, August 10, 2001

(6:34 p.m.) [link]

Thanks guys, glad you like the music. I'm still pondering what to do for layout, and David and I have to record some more and I upload 'em. Maybe this weekend.

This one's short. I just got in from shopping. I hate shopping, not so much the act itself, but the people I wind up having to deal with.

::sigh::

I'll respond later. I have to put my yogurt up before it spoils.

The saga of Perl is over for now. As Kit can attest to, it finally works and does what it's suppose to.

I don't think I should log when I'm boen tired and just came in. My mind isn't on, y'see.

FUATS

breathless / Breathe here

(8:40 a.m.) [link]

Overcast August sleeping within a soul too tired to wander
a soul too tired to dream, eat, sleep
is not a soul at all, is it?
But the clouds only hide the sun
cruel cruel sun that hurts me with it's necessity of life
to burn my eyes with reality knowing I will die without it's presence.
Stay hidden stay put stay behind there I have enough light
and it's all sleeping and peaceful and a soul craves these things too
more than food, water, companionship
I don't want the world to wake up today I want to keep my clouds
and sleep in August.

Streaming consciousness out of the way... for now.

My brother made a few new songs. I don't know if anybody other than Kit has heard them. I have to upload the new stuff, but if you're interested, just leave a comment and I'll leave the URL.

Jen, I know this is probably not what you may want to hear. And I understand that I don't know the entire situation between you and person-shall-not-name, but based on what little I do know, I think there is someone more deserving of you about. I don't know who, really, or when, but they're there.

After numerous tries and misses, my mother mayhave finally found her one. After all this time, too. She just never stopped looking. Oh, wasn't a bed of roses, especially when she was forced to move on, but this one sounds right... finally.

I don't think/know if it will take anyone else quite as long. Perhaps, perhaps not, but I'd like to think if she can find someone now, there's a person out there for everyone, more or less. Why do I say the last part? Because mom kept looking, where as I've stopped. So they're out there if you look.

As hard as this may sound, I hope you don't stop looking until you don't have to look anymore.

Unfortunately, inspirational is not my strong point. Nor is advice in relationships. Boy, is that an understatement.

I'm firmly of the mind that I myself will have to be content with images in my head and a faint memory of wings around me.

No dreams, so I'm really leaning towards the 'it wasn't mine' theory. I don't think I'm very sensitive in that regard, so to whoever sent me the trippy mice & spider dream, um... thanks but I'm not really a fan of vermin.

Stolen from the embrace of the sandman early this morning to do something I probably should have done last night, but Perl sucked me in and I truly forgot.

I want to learn, though I see self-teaching is near impossible for me. But I want to learn, to create in a virtual universe and mold into a form of my personal choosing.

"Beware, you're skirting the edge of a god complex you keep going."

God isn't insecure... least I think. Though if God's female (as I hate the fact that the deity words being used are gender-specific) then it's not to be ruled out as a possibility.

Inside me is a semi-genius... trapped within a lazy body.
Inside me is a dependant... trapped within pride
Inside me is a romantic... trapped within a jaded cynic
Inside me is a dream... trapped within an insomniac

I want to go to Stone Hedge one day... to see if there's something to be 'felt' there. What I seek can't be described or perhaps even perceived by another. It's something I'd have to experience for myself, without other people, as they'd simply cause a distraction.

And he breaks his promise yesterday and tries to break it again today but I point out how he continues doing this, then he tries to make me feel guilty because I didn't consider his feelings before waking him up.

I refuse.

Why do people want to make me feel guilty for their actions when I either don't do anything or simply call them out on it? Am I not walking my own tightrope between lucidity and insanity? Though oddly I don't feel very guilty on the whole. Maybe a pitstop here and there, but no great remorse over my most of my actions at this point in the timeline of my current reality.

I'm still wondering what my next reality will be like, though I'm not going to try speeding up the trip.

Broken thoughts with no visible string to tie them together save the fact I'm getting it all out of my head to make room for the new ones that are sure to pop up sooner or later.

FULU

14 sighs / Breathe here

Thursday, August 9, 2001

(9:59 a.m.) [link]

Jen, not that I'm even sure if you're reading this/talking to me, but here it goes. Honeslty, I can't say what you could/should/might do unless you know why you keep backing out. Maybe if you could think about that, it might help. Why? Are you, perhaps, afraid of what she'll say? Afraid of how you'll take it? Once you figure that part out, then you may be able to understand a little more and even get to a point where you'll be able to without backing off. Just a thought.

For Kit, yes, still SNAFU.

...I finally dreamed last night, though... it made no sense. But it was a dream all the same.

I can't recall all of it, really. I know there were mice... and there were spiders. Lots of both, and almost none were friendly. Mice and spiders are two things I'm not overtly fond of, especially spiders (though I don't freak out unless they actually crawl on my person somewhere). Yet of the bunch, one mouse and one spider somehow became my... friends. I can't say pets, though I don't know why. And this spider did crawl on me, and a part of me knew that this had to be some kind of dream/alternate reality, because I could feel my real Self recoiling from the sensation, yet in this dream, I did not. The weird part comes when some larger than life spider starts absorbing all the other spiders in the world (No, I didn't look at any Sci-Fi. I don't even look at TV/Movies unless it really catches my eye). She (yes, big spider was female, though how I know, considering I know nothing of spider anatomy, is beyond me) really wanted my spider, for some reason. All I can remember then is hiding in our (I shared an apartment with these unusual friends of mine) place, and remembering my spider all but crawling all over me in a state of panic until I managed to calm him down.

It's a blank after that. It leaves me with questions, like why would I befriend two creatures that I'd shy away from in Waking Reality, and why would I let one do something to me that I'd never go for in W.R.? I chalk up the large bitch-spider to an overactive imagination...

...except for one very tiny detail about the whole thing.

When my dream-Self looked in the mirror, it wasn't me.

I mentioned this to a friend, who blithely said it probably wasn't my dream, but rather someone else's who either accidentally projected, or I was ultra sensitive and picked it up. Yes, she's into psychics (the real ones who don't charge money), astral projection, ESP, things of that nature. Having a mom who has some obvious talent in regards to reading people's auras, I'm a bit more open-minded to things of that nature (with astrology horoscopes being the exception).

So I dreamed, but it may not have even been mine.

Lovely.

Pulled up by the shorthairs of sleep when someone wanted me to print out a pic even after I told them my printer isn't good for B/W photos but they wanted me to try so I did and it came out all wrong so they didn't use it but instead will IM me so I can tell them where to get it online and why is it people don't listen to me when it's fairly obvious I speak from experience and not just yapping out the side of my mouth but no obviously I'm smoking some really f-ed up crack and therefore should be ignored.

This leads to a lot of 'I told you so's, of course.

But they don't listen. They ask, and do the opposite.

I've since considered slitting my larynx in the hopes that maybe not being able to answer will deter people from asking in the first place.

But I'd miss harmonizing with some of the songs I listen to, and I've been told I have a pretty good ear for it.

FUBAR

breathless / Breathe here

Wednesday, August 8, 2001

(11:27 p.m.) [link]

Current Reality:
SNAFU

Thank you.

2 sighs / Breathe here

(5:22 p.m.) [link]

Jennifer, do yourself a favor.

Step outside of yourself and quit your emotional posturing right frippin' NOW.

Look, lady, nobody was hurt until you hurt them. Nobody was upset until you had something to say that pretty much equaled to "I don't want to hear what you people have to say because it bores me."

So don't you DARE try and blame them, us, or anyone else for your mistakes.

You need help. I'm not qualified to give you help. But you definitely need help.

You call lashing out at other people when you have some drama going on in your life dealing?

You call what you said an apology?

You call what you're doing healthy in any way, shape, or form?

And do you honestly think your life is that bad?

LIVE MINE FOR ONE WEEK!

I don't like whining, complaining, or anything. And I don't think I am, but here, try this:

Imagine your mother living at death's door, any minute could be the last, even if she acts and looks fine.

Imagine your sister not having any respect for you, herself, anyone and slowly walking down a path of self-destruction and can't be swayed even though deep down all she wants is someone who can love her despite her faults.

Imagine staying up late at night and knowing those loud popping sounds you hear aren't cars backfiring, but guns... just firing.

Imagine wondering if the color you're wearing today is safe, or else you may get beat up for it if you're lucky.

Imagine flinching a little every time a car takes off at high speeds, because you never know if this is going to be another drive by.

Imagine only wanting to go home, but instead getting a knife pulled on you and a lousy buss pass good for only one more day stolen from you.

Imagine trying to get your thoughts down, only you can't, because the noise all around you is simply too loud, so much that your chair feels like it's bouncing on the floor from the flippin' bass beat.

Imagine having no, and I mean no safe haven to go to, because it's too dangerous outside, too chaotic inside, and the only place left is inside your own mind....

...but even there's not safe, because a bullet can penetrate a wall.

Imagine being told you're not the race you think you are, or you're trying to be some other race, simply because you happen to have a little intelligence and a different taste in music?

Imagine finding out years later that your own grandfather was a child molestor, and you were one of the few he didn't get a chance to get to, but you don't know if you should feel happy or guilty because he hurt other members of your family, including your younger sister.

Imagine, please... having what you thought was your best friend, fuck, soul friend... not show up during your time of need simply because they didn't feel like it...

...but don't you dare ever do that to them.

Imagine having a sister mentally and emotionally abuse you for fifteen years, and then you have to try and keep her from doing the same thing to your younger siblings, and you're still trying to recover eleven years later because you just don't understand why it happened at all.

Imagine, please, living all this... every single day,

You're lucky, I only said one week.

You want to kill yourself because you got upset and lashed out at people who have done nothing to you?

...and they say I'm crazy.

Because even with all that up there going on, I don't. And I'll be honest, I have thought about it on more than one occasion, mainly when I was younger. But it's not that I want to die, only that I'm tired and need a break.

But there isn't any for me.

And I still don't want to die.

Don't. Don't try and make us feel guilty because you lashed out at us and we did not feel like taking your misplaced anger.

Don't try and blame us because of your own problems.

Don't you dare try and lump us together with whoever else you feel has wronged you.

Because we won't.

Because it's not.

Because we're not.

Look over it, Jen. Look carefully. None of this started until you felt you had to tell everyone you were tired of hearing their dribble.

If you were tired, you could have just not read it instead.

Think, Jen. Think about the times you've been upset and who was on the receiving end, because I can promise you that at least half the time, whoever it was didn't deserve it.

Look around you, Jen. You do have people who would like to be caring friends, but how can they when they never know if they're going to be the victim of some more misplaced anger?

The only one who's hurting you, really, is you right now.

But don't make us feel bad if you want to make yourself bleed, because none of us are holding the knife. You are.

My apologies to anyone who feels this may have been a rant/whine. This is a reason why I don't like talking about myself. I'm not looking for sympathy.

Perhaps, though, some understanding would be nice... for everyone.

Which is why I try to understand others, until I see they do not wish to understand me.

But, as I've said before, not everyone is like me.

breathless / Breathe here

(11:12 a.m.) [link]

The time between falling asleep and regaining entry into the waking world is a veritable blank. For all I know, I may as well have been dead for all the recollection I have of it. There's just nothing there. Nothing. A part of me wants to be freaked out by this, for some odd reason, yet the majority of Self is just shrugging it off.

Self is very apathetic. Damn the soul.

The Perils of Perl is giving me a headache. I can't make the darn thing save the output of the form into a new HTML file on my server. Damn the program.

"Boycott, but then what?" This message only has meaning if you know what I'm talking about. Otherwise, it's more nonsensical dribble of a semi-abnormal state of mind. In other words, ignore it.

Leafblowers... noisy. Muses... sleeping. Brain... broken.

SNAFU.

Currently stuck on the problem with Perl, so I'll go waste time at neopets.

...not all of these entries can have a point, y'know.

7 sighs / Breathe here

Tuesday, August 7, 2001

(12:22 p.m.) [link]

Damn you, Ki. Damn you to the deepest pits of bishounen hell and may all the bish you've ever tortured or angst pay you back by making hot, passionate, sweaty bulldog sex in front of you while you're chained to a wall and can only watch.

::sigh:: She did it. It's all her fault. What did she do? She gave me another obsession! (not that it knocks off my current Yue one, but it's damn close).

So... does anyone know where I can either find plot summaries or fansubs of Yami No Matsuei? I saw all of ep 5 and it ended on a ~~~~~~ cliffhanger! ARGH!

Don't mind me, I'm just experiencing withdrawals.

(I had to go back and fix the typos... I must remember the preview option can be my friend.)

breathless / Breathe here

(11:36 a.m.) [link]

This is one of those whom I would ask to see their resume and look for how long their held the position of God, because it's the only qualification that can back up such moronic crap.

MPD not real? Next I suppose we'll find out AIDs was just a figment of our imagination.

And I'm not even going to get into the whole soulbond bit, simply because what one person wants to claim goes on in their heads is really none of my concern, and if I don't like it, nobody is forcing me to listen.

But, it's a diary, so this person is free to say whatever s/he pleases.

Doesn't make it any less insensitive towards those people who suffer from this, nor does it do much to deny that idiocy is still running rampant on the Good Earth, but s/he can certainly say what s/he wants.

breathless / Breathe here

(12:52 a.m.) [link]

Harlen: Never heard of Ani DiFranco. Would you be recommending her? And if so, what song in particular?
Raine: You know... that's how a lot of Slash fans first got intoduced... by running away in terror the first time. ^^:
Amber: I personally don't think your entry needs editing. It's your journal, and it's the best place to get things out. And I understand about getting tired. It happens to the best of us. We're human, we can't stay at our peak all the time. You need to rest, and not just your body.

Though I'm feeling tired all the time, so I know that's not good either. What kind of rest can one give the soul, anyway?

6 sighs / Breathe here

(12:27 a.m.) [link]

Nighttime. If I didn't have my music playing... naw, call it as it is. If all the lights in the city were out, I could lose myself again.

Damn electric lights anchor me when I want to escape the most.

Do you all still dream? Good? Bad? Does it really matter?

I'm slowly losing the ability to sleep, doing so only when it's physically required, but mentally I don't feel sleepy, which is something of a bother, because then I'm fighting with myself, though the body always wins out.

I wonder what I'll lose next.

Currently I'm out of my creative phase and into logic, so I'm using this to try and learn more of Perl. Interesting language, brought about by one man's laziness, if I read the history right.

Works for me.

I'm not sure which takes more effort: the courage needed to stand up and say what one feels knowing there will be those who will put one down for even having those feelings or just not agreeing like a good little lamb, or the patience of those who wish to find a compromise to the point of suppressing their own feelings and/or needs in their quest.

Alas, Korax has gone away on vacation. Aloha, Korax.

I have a tentative plan/remedy of things, but it was suggested to wait and see how this current thread of reality plays itself out.

Am I calmer from before? Not really, just too tired to maintain the same emotional levels, that's all.

breathless / Breathe here

Sunday, August 5, 2001

(10:00 p.m.) [link]

Jen, I really don't know what the beef is, but your 'tude on the group blog is very shallow, IMO.

You wanted another technomancy, but you fail to understand one thing, you guys are not them.

You are all younger, have vastly different lives, and you're not them, period.

What makes you think it's going to be like theirs, in any case?

What makes you want to be like them?

I'd rather read the nonsensical and perhaps inane ramblings of the group than read a technomancy clone any day.

I don't like clones or copies unless I happened to be exposed to them first, in which case they are then my original experience.

You're sitting on a rather high horse and judging everyone else for being themselves.

Gee, thanks a lot, I'm sure you make them all feel better.

And if you don't like it or don't like where it went, leave. It's your god-given right. Nobody is holding you hostage, but that's certainly no reason to try and make everyone else feel bad just because it didn't work out the way you wanted to.

Not everyone is like me, and not everyone is like you, either.

(9:10 p.m.) [link]

And I know Fates had their hand into today, because it's the only way to account for the sheer horridness of it. So many ill fitting puzzle pieces falling onto the canvas that is the ever present Today, because nobody lives in Tomorrow or Yesterday, even if they seem like they do. No, we are all stuck in Today whether we like it or not. The label may change. Friday... Wednesday... Monday... doesn't matter. At the core is Today.

And Today sucked dead goat's nuts.

The worst part is the loss of trust in a individual. To feel the harsh mark of betrayel by someone foolishly believed to never harm you... The act itself was quite harmless, in truth, but the inherent trust is still broken, much like the person. Their mask is broken, moreso than perhaps my own.

That is a frightening thought, to know there are individuals who's masks ae less substantial than my own.

It's hard, though, walking this thin line between society, ego, creativity, and soul. Go over too far into any one area is a cry unto Fate to cause havoc on a grand scale in one's life.

I think I gave up on ego... or else I confused it for soul and still gave up.

And I try and laugh sometimes, but it's impossible to laugh alone.

And still... there are no dreams to hide or run from in my mind.

Am I to be considered lucky, in that without the ability to dream, I do not suffer the demons of nightmares as well?

I suppose it falls back into that 'love... lost' conundrum.

I don't have an answer for that either.

All I have left are small oasis of true escapism, though I don't wield as much control over that as one may believe I should. Still, it's a small relief amidst the oppresive force of reality within and without.

I'd like to take this moment right here and now to note two things. One, I will always try and keep these things from hurting another, whether intentional or no, and especially if they've done nothing to warrant feeling awful just because I'm bemoaning my own reality.

Two, not everyone is like me.

Still, I do not understand why is it I'm force to suffer in one way or another because some other entity is going through an ordeal and feels the only way to cope is by lashing out blindly in all directions.

Worse is a lack of regret at their actions.

I'd rather die a little inside, than kill a little out.

Again, not everyone is like me.

I suppose that's a good thing, or else I would no longer be unique or have an identity of my own. And of course, there are others who I would rather not be like.

This reality weighs upon me. I just wonder if there's another to be had when I leave it.

breathless / Breathe here

(3:53 p.m.) [link]

I find the comment option, least for a single user journal, is easier to those who may want to reply. Hence why I have it in mine.

Anyway, as evident from the open letter below, AT&T have pissed me off, again. If you have a choice, don't use AT&T, and don't bank at Bank of America. Both companies have lousy practices and rotten customer (ha) support. BofA especially... they're just crooks.

It's hot, I've lost five perfectly good hours trying to get my cable connection stable (It either fixed itself, or they fixed it and were hoping I'd hang up, flippin' keyboard challenged cowards.), and I have to make sure this place is cleaned up for tomorrow.

Screw it, I'm going to lay down and listen to Ms. Morissette rage against societal injustices.

1 sigh / Breathe here

(3:19 p.m.) [link]

Dear AT-T,
     If you think I'm a royal idiot, think again.
     Do you not think I know what keeping me on hold with your 'Tech' (BWA HA HA HA) Support means? It means you morons have no clue what the damn problem is and you're hoping the god-awful musical selection will chase me away so you don't have to think further than your elementary point-n-click job that your intellectually challenged phone operators have been brainwashed in under the thin guise of 'training'. I suppose the minute they have to actually type something in must send them into a panic.
     I know what you're doing, I've worked in telemarketing, so I've seen the same dumb tricks pulled by the same stupid people.
     And I wouldn't be surprised if the people working the phones were former coworkers.
     Actually, I know one person who does work for you. Hiring her proves that you people have less that two braincells to rub together.
     I get a bigger spark from a tic-tac.
     Tel whoever hit the wrong switch on the control panel (you know, the thing with all the colorful buttons) to fix it, or I will be there bright and early Monday morning with a group of Hatian voodoo priest all ready to use each and every employee in a new ritual... or sacrifice.
     Starting with the idiot who hit the wrong button.
     Have a nice day.

Sincerely,
Gen

breathless / Breathe here

Saturday, August 4, 2001

(2:43 p.m.) [link]

"You must have chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star."—Friedrich Nietzsche

It was the quote at the bottom of the screen when I went to the add new entry. Don't ask me why, but it... intrigues me. It tickles at some part of me. Soul? Heart? Being? Don't know.

I do know there is much chaos residing within the earthly confines o' mine. I'd share, but it's a large part of me, and I'd probably become rather flat without it. Granted, I don't let it out in public much...

Yes, this quote intrigues me quite a lot.

Of course, this is all on the assumption that Nietzche is not being literal in the 'dancing star' part.

I'm tempted to look this name up. Anyone who can think of such a mind-tickling quote using chaos is one who should be looked into, if you ask me.

Anyway.

Thank you, Kit. One, for clearly stating it was indeed your opinion and yours alone, and for another, just not going on and on about how horrible the voices are.

If people don't like the voices, fine. I can accept that.

I'm just tired of hearing about it all the time.

Sakura's voice doesn't really phase me, in truth. Though if she was portrayed as you say she is in the manga (i.e. sweet and caring) I'dve barfed up a spleen a long time ago. Yes, she can be bratty, but not to the point (for me anyway) of where I want to choke her.

Ruby. ...dead. Now.

Spinel looks... freaky. Very very very freaky.

Yue... has ruined me for life because he is only an animated chara, yet no man will ever live up to his standards.

Don't mind me, I'm insane.

All die-hard, must have original fanatics can just smack me now if they want (though I do smack back) for this next piece that is, of course, strictly opinion.

I've heard the English voice for Yue, and I've heard the Japanese.

I do not like the Japanese voice.

Yue strikes me as an imposing figure. He radiates a strong persona (unless he's in a really f-ed up situation like he was in the... in today's second episode that I am not spoiling). He is stoic, detached... pretty much an opposite of Julian ( ::snorts:: I prefer the change here, too for the first name. I could do without the Star, though).

To me and my ears, his Japanese voice sounded far too young and not imposing in any sense of the word. My friend said perhaps in the original they wanted him to sound effeminate. It didn't take with me. Yes, he's quite effeminate looking, IMO (and not a bloody thing wrong with THAT, I assure you), but I want the voice to match his persona moreso than his looks. I don't think it matched up with the Japanese voice in this instance.

This isn't a 'dubs are better' argument, either, because I have the exact opposite problem with Clow's English voice. Here I think the voice should have matched the looks a bit more. They made him sound too old and too 'god-like' for. me. He didn't strike me as being that imposing as much as simply interested in his magic... think scientist.

So, I have a problem with English and Japanese. If it doesn't fit to me, it just doesn't fit. Period.

Moving right along...

Eli. I like the name change here. Then again, I like the name Eli, so I'm quite biased. I honestly can't say I care for his voice, but, I can deal. It's no biggie one way or another.

Tori (Another name I like, but I like To-ya equally). There's not much to say other than he looks with Julian, but I'm actually into the lesser writ pairing of him and Yue far as fandom goes. Just me.

Though stoic with stoic... still, perhaps Tori could reach that something within Yue that manifests itself in Julian...

Makes sense.

Ruby. ...dead. Now.

Dear RightStuf,
You have yet to debit my card and send me my Nightwalker DVDs. What, something wrong with my money? Not green enough for you? I'm only going to say this once: send me the vamp bish or you'll all be offered up to Set and your souls imprisoned within the bodies of mindless, Barney-lovin' five year olds.
Have a nice day.

Sincerely.
Gen

Sorry, had to get that out.

::sigh:: The clouds have been burned away, so I'm forced to see this city the way it is, versus the way I can imagine it to be when it's overcast.

Whoever said 'no man is an island...' wasn't a moderately intelligent being living in this neck of the woods.

I'm using moderate because anything more will sound even more vain. Compared to some, I'm probably quite ignorant... but I'm admittedly brighter than the... denizens... I'm forced to live around. Not vanity, just honesty.

After all, life doesn't revolve around having a good time, getting drunk, getting blowed, or getting one's hair/nails/car done in some manner for me.

::sigh::

It's just occured to me that there is no contact infomation on the Book of Genism. I shall have to remedy that. I'm also thinking of getting a domain name for it: bookofgenism.com Maybe? I would have gotten just genism.com, but it's taken, even though there's not a page for it. Sheeh.

Rambling, so don't expect my topics to connect from here on out, or any previous point, either.

I need sex for the brain, which is vastly different than physical sexual intercourse. I want one good mental orgasm to get me out of this slump. My surreal CD is mental foreplay, except for the last song which I really need to skip over, but I'm an emotional masochist, hence why it's still playing even now.

I need a mental orgasm to forget about how this song makes me feel.

I should change the two boxes on the left, but I can't think of anything new to put. I'll do it later.

After a visit to the perl forum, I've managed to rewrite the script/program to parse text and keep the line breaks. It's my own frontpage without the moronic coding and formatting exactly the way I want it to. Whee. I should start recoding everything with it, now, I suppose. Blegh, don't want to. All those files.

I wish I knew enough to write in a routine to create the file it outputs and stick it in the directory, but I'm no where near good enough for that.

::idly wonders how many people are actually attending Yaoicon this time around::

I'm going to see if I can create a savings account towards that. I'll have a whole year, at least... for the next time, of course.

And in two years, Kit can go. If she so desires. /^^\

I should restart the RP from SB onto another board, but all my creative muses are quite in the coma, they are.

Rambling rambling rambling...

And for a split second, a poetry muse yawned. Should I go with it? Perhaps in another post.

Funny what my last line of thought in this entry is going to be... in that I wonder if I will even know when my sperm-donor passes, or will I find out some time after the fact.

::shrugs::

1 sigh / Breathe here

Friday, August 3, 2001

(11:41 p.m.) [link]

Left SRB. I will always follow my first mind, which told me do not get involved. It is not my place.

I am not meant to be in a group anything.

Perhaps I must accept the fact that I am a single entity and not meant to join with any other.

Well... it's a rather gut-wrenching thing to admit. In truth, it's quite stomach turning.

I think some part of me has finally died...

...or at least let it go.

Yes, it's unpleasant, to put it mildly. I was hoping I would not have to accept this as fact, but... it may be that is indeed the case.

So I suppose this is ripping the bandage off a tender wound. Still painful, but it'll heal.

And there is... one. A being who is not. If in fact I am not to find some place with another entity, then at the very least, I have this person who is not...

I will have him... until my last breath. So... I will heal.

Fate was never known for doing as we wanted it to, but I'm adaptable.

breathless / Breathe here

(10:58 p.m.) [link]

Thanks, Jen. Really. Thank you so much for making me feel rotten for simply wanting to offer space and everyone have an account versus sharing a username and password. Thank you so very much for trying to bring me down simply because I wanted to do you a favor and avoid the hacking incident you already went through.

Nobody is forcing you to stay. I would, in fact, be saving myself space. So you can tell everyone to go back to the original and I can just as easily delete the script off my space.

And a really big thank you for once more re-enforcing something I've known all along...

..being nice is for the birds.

breathless / Breathe here

(10:08 a.m.) [link]

Anyway, I've gotten some news from my roommate for Yaoicon. Apparently someone else backed out, but they claim they'll still pay their share simply because they know it was rather last minute of them to back out (I'm asking Rose if she's already got the money, since I trust nobody). Anyway, it's a double, and to split the cost three ways equals approx. $65 a night. For three nights make it $195. I can do that. She wanted to know if we should keep looking for a fourth. Split four ways, it drops to approx 60. ... a double bed, two people, a bed for each... or try to save a measly five bucks.

C'mon... she didn't even have to ask me.

But I'm glad she did. It shows she's a considerate person, and I respect that.

Parental unit (for I only have one) says I shouldn't be cheap and just go Greyhound. I don't like Greyhound, and I would rather go with someone who will either talk about the con, or else let me 'vegetate'. (vegetable + meditate)

Speaking of parental units... or in this case, 'sperm-donor'...

My sperm-donor had a heart attack. I think this is like his third or fourth one. ::holds up hands:: Before anyone mistakes this for any kind of concern, I must tell you, there is none. I'm stating this in a very factual manner, so please, save any sympathies for those truly deserving, because this man is not.

Allow me to explain slightly and maybe you can understand. See, even though I know now, I found out from a sibling (through him) that I have only met about two years back, if that long. I honestly don't know how many siblings I have through him. I have to say siblings to make a distinction, because I can't relate to them the same way I can to my brother and sisters who I actually grew up with... okay, brother. (I can't relate to the females, I just can't. And I still want to sell Erica to a slavery ring or something. Maybe use her in testing new methods of execution).

Tangent. As I was saying, one of my sibs told me he had a heart attack. Yet he has this number. Even if he lost it, my two sibs I have met have it, so he could get it. Not to mention that my phone number is OLD. Seriously, the number we have is older than my mother. This number was around when they used to have letters and tell an operator to dial it in, then it got changed over to numbers only.

Trust me, it's old.

He's had this number for years (regardless of the fact that he told me he didn't. His track record for honesty is nil).

So why didn't he call me himself and tell me if he really wanted me to know?

Add to that the fact that I can still count on one hand the times I've seen this man, and maybe now you can understand why I don't feel much.

It's not that I'm being unnaturally cold. Ask Kit, as I think she cam sympathize somewhat...

How can you feel bonded to what is nearly a perfect stranger to you?

Just because some man walks in and says "I'm your father" does not automatically create some bond of life long caring.

Bonds are made, nurtured, and maintained from the time of initial creation until one or both parties dissolves them.

Genetic accidents at birth are not enough to establish a bond on.

No, I'm not bitter, even if it sounds this way. Honestly, my face has remained impassive. These are just words.

I highly doubt it if the man sees fifty.

But I'm not involved if/when he dies. I doubt if I'm obligated to go to the funeral. It's better I don't. If they ask me (as the oldest) to get up and say a few words, I'd only repeat what I've just typed in here now.

Not good funeral material.

I find it mildy humourous to try and think of what they'll put on his obituary.

breathless / Breathe here

(9:35 a.m.) [link]

Some dreams are impossible.

I want to fly. Not fly as in sitting in an airplane. Not fall by parachuting or bungee jumping. I want wings that will hold me up and let me soar through the clouds. I want to ride alongside the winds blowing around the trees.

I want to touch the sky, and never once let the earth hold me.

Perhaps if I could, I'd leave this world. Wind would whisper goodbyes as I sailed upon a sea more vast than any body of water.

The light from a thousand stars that have already past me by on Earth would finally be seen during their real lifespan.

And I'd swim through this blackness that isn't, for it is only nature, and nobody need fear that if they can instead find harmony.

Planets would sail past and become my autumn leaves. Rivers of floating earth my skipping stones before moving on.

Endless night, infinite possibilities, all to be experienced with the joy of flight.

Some dreams are impossible...

...but that doesn't mean I can't still dream them.

breathless / Breathe here

Thursday, August 2, 2001

(9:36 a.m.) [link]

Thank you Harlen and Raine. It's always tricky over what will read what with javascript. And not the boxes themselves so much as the words, as I don't feel like rebuilding every file when I'm only changing two lines daily.

::sigh:: The clouds are covering the sun, which is a good thing. One of the reasons I like winter months, unless the weather is being flukey. I prefer this time, as it makes me reflect. Not so much on reailty or things to do/be done/have done, but rather just on quieter emotions that don't need the same kind of outlet as the stronger, darker ones, or even the bright, glaring feelings.

Is there an outlet for peaceful ruminations?

I can pretend I'm the only one for miles around, save the birds. Especially ravens, which I fell in love with ever since Poe immortalized them in a fit of utter melancholy.

Hmm, no... I don't feel down, per se. I wish I didn't have to leave, that the clouds would stay right here and let me keep this feeling, a thing so small, so silent, yet for me is wondrous.

But it's not winter, it's summer. So the clouds will eventually leave, as must I.

It's more precious today, now as I come down from the hormone laden rollercoaster of emotions from the previous three days.

To stop the clock, right here... never having to know how far things have fallen once the clouds part and the sun casts an ungenial light upon the city.

Then too, overcast days remind me of hIm. I feel closer to him when it's like this.

But I know the feelings with be shattered sooner or later, the remnants clinking on the floor as they fall.

I don't want to think about it yet. I don't want to have to deal with a reailty I know is only going to frustrate me to some degree or another.

I wonder if this is what it was like before my parents got stupid and screwed and had to drag me here.

This quiet... the semblence of peace.

And I wonder if I'll be lucky enough to go back to it when I've finished my sentence... or whatever other word you wish to call existance in this... place.

This is the aniversary month. Though what exactly I'm celebrating, I'm not sure.

Twenty-six years ago and a little more than two weeks from now two people forgot the concept of a condom.

Damn my luck.

breathless / Breathe here

Wednesday, August 1, 2001

(12:45 p.m.) [link]

No streaming now... I'm too mentally exhausted.

But... I have claimed a victory. I manage to make a Perl script (after javascript failed miserably) that will take the information I have from the fics I've collected for Rara (mouthful) and format it exactly the way I want. No more retyping same tags over and over. I can redo all the fics simply by copying in the title, author, email, and the fic content itself (which is already coded anyway).

And no, I don't know Perl. I don't know it at all. I had to stitch this together from tutorials and reading other scripts.

But it works and it does what I want it to do. Good enough. So all I do once I enter the info is go to save as and boom, redone file.

The only thing I haven't been able to do is find a way to include a footer that doesn't require ssi, simply because on the server I use I have to rename all the files to .shtml and I really don't want to do that.

Javascript would work, but then it's a case of which browser would be able to read it, even if it's a simple document.write command.

But I am a step closer to making my job much easier. Not bad, since I have yet to take an actual Perl class (and I will fairly soon).

Damn you, Hostex. If you didn't force me to change it to shtml, this would have been done a long time ago.

Speaking of which, if you cast your eyes to the side boxes, the ones saying "If Happiness were..." and "Today's Mood", those are done with javascript includes. So please tell me if they come out okay.

I'd ask the nice ::coughinsanecough:: people of Technomancy, but I'm not sure if they offer free advice. ^^

2 sighs / Breathe here