Monday, April 29, 2002
(9:20 p.m.) [link]
But of course I would go behind myself and screw something up. Leave us hope it's fixed itself.
breathless / Breathe here
(9:08 p.m.) [link]
I think I'm more or less finished, so the place has a new look. Love it, hate it, but it's saying regardless. Change is good. Power is better.
breathless / Breathe here
(4:04 p.m.) [link]
Before anyone mentions it, I'm in the middle of changing the layout, so parts of the site may not yet mesh with other parts. Thank you.
breathless / Breathe here
(11:02 a.m.) [link]
In case anyone wondered, a cold germ came out of left field and molested me. I'm just now getting back to normal.
I don't think I missed to much, though feel free to catch me up on anything you think I should know.
Right now I'm sitting here debating on writing another letter to my therapist, but I think in the end I'll just make it a regular entry. I can't tell her everything, or there'd be nothing left to figure out, and she'd be out of a job.
I can't... I simply cannot believe the sheer insensitivity of one who is so damn sensitive! How is it my mother unit can take even the smallest word the worng way, yet she can be so fucking callous in her approach to me, her gods-be-damn crutch. But yet, I can't tell her anything, because on top of being an unintentional hypocrite, she's also a damn extremist. I tell her to back off an inch, and she'll withdraw completely.
There is no middle ground, and it's driving me nuts. She often complains about her BiP, well fucking hello, I GOT THE SAME PROBLEM. It has yet to sink in that in using me for her emotional support, she's in fact triggering and agravating my own problems. And can I turn to her? Hell no.
That's the other reason I disappeared. Sometimes I just have to drop everything and lock myself in for fear of what I may find myself capable of doing. And contrary to my violent tendencies, I don't want to go to jail and play house with some big, burly chick named Bubbette.
...and Winamp is being cruel. It pulled up DuranDuran's "Come Undone." ::beats Winamp within an inch of digital life::
The biggest lie I ever told myself was when I said I'm okay.
But I'm okay, really.
I don't feel so bad about posting in this thing whenever I'm able to, though. If I force myself to post when I really have nothing to say, it becomes a chore.
I just wish I had more things to say that didn't involve the teetering of my nonexistant sanity.
I'm okay, really...
1 sigh / Breathe here
Monday, April 22, 2002
(8:18 a.m.) [link]
Sometimes words escape me, and I fall silent. Only a fool keeps talking when they have nothing to say.
I don't care what anyone says, there is nothing that wields the same kind of power as words. Even if I'm shot, I may live, I may die... but words can leave a wound that will never heal. Likewise they can mend a broken soul.
Words spoken, words in print, it doesn't matter...
Along with power, words carry knowledge. How else would I be able to describe my intemperate soul, or be able to collude with my like-minded peers? If I describe a thousand diamonds twinkling in the firmanent before the coming dawn, can you glean my meaning from the whole of my words instead of each individual? If I rant about the mendacious and deceitful acts carried on by whatever dissolute party I speak of, will you understand, and in doing so, share my ire?
I don't like the intention of words, or rather, those of the person(s) using them. It's the word itself I'm so fond of. A word doesn't strike a person, but is simply a tool that can, and often is, used such malignant purposes.
No, I want the tool for the tool itself, to drown in the base knowledge without bothering or worrying about the potential harm. Isn't everything based on potential? It doesn't become reality until humans demand it so.
I find words can be much more companionable than humans.
breathless / Breathe here
Saturday, April 20, 2002
(7:32 a.m.) [link]
It's another letter to my therapist. Gods, I hate my cycle. Makes me sound like an emotional wreck...
I moved it to the individual entry. Less damage control. Don't ask...
Friday, April 19, 2002
(12:11 a.m.) [link]
As I write this, know that I'm not making sense, nor am I going to bother trying. I'm no longer in Reality, but my reality, which suspends things like logic and reason. Chains, but the shackles are cast aside for now.
It's officially Friday, though my reality doesn't necessarily comprehend that at the moment. It doesn't accept Reality at all right in through now. An obvious sign that I am up too late and need to go to bed. I need to, but I'm not.
Or I will, but I won't sleep. I won't dream a sleeper's dream, but a dream born of pangs that will be shoved away, hidden... locked whenever my reality decides to give way for Reality.
I have desires. I have wants. I have needs. I'm fulfilling none.
...I want to look out the window and see the rain fall and pretend I'm alone in this city.
...I need to do what will make me happy, without hurting another or myself.
...I desire... many things... a person who can understand me...
Someone to understand the million and one thoughts free-floating in my mind with no discernible meaning nor direction, and knows how much a part of me these thoughts are.
I need someone to tell me "It'll be alright" ...and soon, before I loose myself to my own cynism. It's not okay, but it'd be nice to hear someone say that, then work with me to try and make it okay.
I want to feel that dream/memory/delusion of wings folding around me. I want to forget Reality a little while longer.
So I'm going to bed, but not to sleep, and not for a sleeper's dream. But to dream nonetheless.
Reality will come soon enough.
breathless / Breathe here
Sunday, April 14, 2002
(8:18 a.m.) [link]
I forget. No, really. It's just been slipping my mind to do so many things lately. Log an entry, post at NB, (Kit, when do you think you'll pop up on AIM again, hmm?), work on my site, write my fic... I've been getting nothing done.
And I know exactly why.
Damn lithium.
See, when I first sought help for my mood swings, I went to the wrong place. August F. Hawkins Mental Health Center. Why is it wrong? Well, one, it's a county facility. Two, it's connected to King/Drew Medical Center. This hospital is also lovingly referred to as "Killer King". This is because, unless it's a gunshot or knife wound, or an uncomplicated delivery, your chances of survival re slim and none. My own uncle died on the table while having exploratory surgery. Apparently the idiots didn't think to look at his medical history and see he'd had surgery done before, so he'd have scar tissue to work with. No... they snip... snip... and snipped the wrong thing, which resulted in his bleeding to death because they couldn't see where'd they cut wrong.
So back to the mental health facility... I shouldn't have gone, pure and simple. Based solely on my descriptions of my problem, the intake doctor said I was bi-polar and wrote up a prescription of lithium. No schedule appointments with a therapist. No other questions. Nothing.
Now I will agree to the bi-polar diagnosis, because reading the symptons and effects of it, I think I probably am. But I'm a mild case. It was worse when I was a teenager, which makes sense, considering all the hormonal crap I was going through on top of that. But I don't suffer extreme mood swings now without a trigger, which I'm able to identify and avoid. Honestly, I don't think I need such a strong medication. Hmph, mom needs something more than I do. Talk about extreme moods... sheesh.
Getting back on the subject, I went to the wrong place. They're known for overmedicating their patients, both in and out. And as soon as I saw my chance, I switched to another clinic. I'm much happier now, but there's still the problem with the drug....
I have to keep taking it up until Tuesday. I'm having blood drawn and it will show up if I don't take it. However, after that I plan to stop, and later that week I'm talking to my therapist and requesting something milder. At this point, it's doing more harm than good.
I'm too easily distracted now. I'll never get anything done if this keeps up...
1 sigh / Breathe here
Thursday, April 11, 2002
(2:09 p.m.) [link]
Kit: I'll try tonight, but you may have to remind me.
In my house, there are two oddities. One, the dictionaries are always shortened to "dics". Two, there's this furry cat statue that mom has dubbed the "petrified pussy". Taking these two relatively harmless things into account, here are two conversations that occurred in our house. Similar ones have and will occur again, I promise you.
Conversation 1:
Mom: Where the dic?
Me: Down there... under your petrified pussy.
Mom: Oh, right, so it is.
Conversation 2:
Mom: I can't find it. I've lost my dic.
Me: It's not under your petrified pussy?
Mom: ::looks:: No, no dic there. Man, losing your dic is never good.
Me: Now see, I always know where my dic is...
Mom: ::checks couch:: Look! It was right next to you. You were sitting on the dic!
Me: ...and I didn't even feel it.
Mom: And I thought this was a hard dic...
Mind you, these conversations are referring to harmless, everyday household items.
It's fun being insane. Moreso when you have a parent who matches.
1 sigh / Breathe here
Wednesday, April 10, 2002
(6:57 p.m.) [link]
Still here, just been busy. And nothing really worth logging an entry about, yanno. Sometimes the mundane aspects of life must be dealt with, no matter how boring or tedious.
Moved the rest of this to individual entry. Nothing of great importance, though.
Sunday, April 7, 2002
(8:06 p.m.) [link]
I accomplished one thing and realized another.
I finished the FFX fic I was working on. It had a 10kb minimum requirement. It came in at 32kb.
I realized that I'm not a fan of the song "Vanilla" by Gackt. If his other songs sound similar, I'm not Gackt fan, period.
That is all.
1 sigh / Breathe here
Saturday, April 6, 2002
(7:17 a.m.) [link]
And I think I asked before, but it might have gotten scrolled off. Chinese/Western zodiac combinations... where can I find mine?
breathless / Breathe here
(7:14 a.m.) [link]
Apparently I have two types of depressions. One, the kind where I know I'm depressed and why. These, to me, are more dangerous. There's general feelings of lethargy and melancholy. I'm more likely to take someone out if they push me too far, because this type is the kind where I can swing real fast.
Then there's the other type, where I may or may not know I'm depressed. The deciding factor here is, regardless of whether I know or not, I don't know why.
While I recognize the problems of the first type, it's the second that bugs the hell out of me, because then I start sleeping a lot more than necessary. I get nothing done. I despise this.
Not that I get anything done with my mania, since I have a million thoughts running around so fast in my head that it's damn near impossible to latch onto one for any significant purpose.
.....
Life is more or less back to normal. It's not quite as bad as it was in March, though April's going to be hell just because someone got their bookkeeping screwed up and is out a hundred bucks.
Me, I can't decide if I want to get a Gamecube, or an official, Squaresoft sanctioned, sterling silver pendant like Tidus wears in FFX.
I'm writing a fic. Slowly getting back into fandom again, though no way in hell am I going to put myself out as prominently as I did before. The bitch factor of fanfiction is growing by leaps and bounds on both ends of the spectrum. I don't have time for it.
My logic: Like it, read it. Don't like it, don't read it.
Sure, I get mad when I accidently read a deathfic, because the author wasn't considerate enough to label it as such, (helLO, angst and death, label them separately!), but I'm not going to go flame the author about it, (especially under the thin veneer of a review/critique). I'll just avoid that author in the future. Simple.
But no, people have to make it difficult. Probably because the majority of people are in fact assholes, whether they want to admit it or not. And the levels are rising.
I blame this on our current President and overpopulation.
For hell's sake, people... stop having kids! Does anyone else feel particularly annoyed when a person comes on the bus or wherever with 5+ kids hanging on their arms, and they don't watch the little brats? And the ages aren't even spaced out! Like one every friggen' year... stop it already!
I don't want kids. I don't want to bring them into this world and make them suffer even more than I did. The standards of living went down with my generation, so what would that mean for any of my own offspring? Sure, I'd like to bring a child into the world, just not this one.
I'm jumping topics.
But like I mentioned, I'm writing a fic. Part of a lyric wheel. (Confused? Go here.) The problem is, even though I've made it well beyond the 10kb minimum, the darn fic won't end. It keeps going, even while I'm trying to find the ending. Sheesh. And it's due on the 11th. C'mon, muse, cut me some slack. There are other fics to be written.
Before anyone asks, yaoi. Please, the day I write het is the day I'm getting paid to do so. I wish.
Did I mention I'm working on another site? I think I did... I forget. ::shrugs:: Well, I can repeat myself here and nobody will complain, (or if they do, I can ignore them pretty easily).
http://yaoiville.org/FFX_yaoi/
I'm still trying to figure out a decent navigation. And I need to add more sections (like wallpaper, and move those out of the yahoo files). I will... as soon as this fic lets me go.
And kee-rist... my arm hurts. Actually, a lot of things hurt, but I don't feel the connection. I feel out of touch with a lot of things, reality included for the moment.
...it's probably the music I'm listening to.
This was a pretty mundane entry, but that's a necessary part of life. If everything were exciting, deep, mystical, or whatever, well, how would we know?
Oh yeah... we're going to see about moving next door, and I wanted to ask if anyone knew of any good spiritual/karma cleaners and/or rituals. I'm looking into Wiccan rituals at the moment. That apartment has some bad karma, but the location would remove a lot of the stress we're suffering from if we can get it cleaned up.
...and I speak of this so casually.
It's early, least it was when I started. I'm going to lay back down for awhile.
"Sing with me, if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow, the good lord will take you away..." - Dream On
breathless / Breathe here
Friday, April 5, 2002
(10:49 a.m.) [link]
This is a test, because my therapist wants me to write to her whenever I'm experiencing an extreme. I hate that. Basically, she wants me to keep a journal... only she wants longhand. Makes no sense to keep two journals, since I've never minced myself here regardless of whether people can/do read it or not. Anyway, let's see if this works... Oh yeah, if it does work, I'll probably be doing this on occassion, in which case I'll turn off the comments for this/that entry. It's for my therapist, after all, nothing more. You can read and join the merry ride of my therapy. Whee.
Moved to individual entry...
Thursday, April 4, 2002
(9:05 a.m.) [link]
I did take the enneagram test, but I don't like to confine myself to the one number, and they did say I'm a combination, so instead I'll post the entire summary. I found the last one funny for some odd reason.
| type | score | summary |
| 5 | 18 | Fives are basically on some level estranged from the rest of the world, consequently, their mind is usually their best friend. They like to analyze things and make sense of them (that is their anchor), this makes them great inventors and philosophers. The immense inner world of fives can cause them to lose touch or interest in reality. |
| 4 | 15 | Fours are all about being unique and creating their own distinct culture. They experience the highs and lows of life more intensely than other types. This makes them great creative forces (artists, writers, filmmakers). Fours often feel like misplaced children, and they long for a sense of real family. |
| 3 | 14 | Threes derive self worth from success in the external world. They are highly skilled at adapting themselves in whatever way necessary to achieve success. This external success driven image often comes at a price of having a personal identity and they may lose site of who they really are. |
| 8 | 13 | Eights are natural leaders. They are straight forward, direct, large personalities, that are unlikely to back down to adversity. They have a talent for motivating others. They have a strong sense of justice and are often protectors of the weak. However, they also have short fuses and can become domineering tyrants. |
| 1 | 12 | Ones are idealistic perfectionists. They are rooted in morals and ethics. They live with an overbearing internal critic that never rests. They can be very judgemental and don't understand how most people can be such slackers. Other people don't understand why they are so uptight. |
| 7 | 11 | Sevens are optimistic thrill seekers that see life as an adventure. They are always thinking of new possibilies and adventures. This constant zest for life is often just escapism. Once things lose there fun they are no longer interested, so many projects go unfinished. Essentially, they avoid the difficulties of life because they fear being overwhelmed by them. |
| 9 | 9 | Nines are open minded optimists. They are able to see everyones point of view, and have a natural desire for making peace. Consequently, they are effective mediators. They often live by the 'go along to get along' creed. However their openess to other people can cause them to lose site of themselves and their own happiness. |
| 6 | 8 | Sixes are defined by anxiety. They are gifted in their ability to see the dark and light sides of life (and of people and situations around them). This insight into possible outcomes makes them useful planners. However since they are never sure what will prevail they are always on edge and cling to predictable structures/systems for peace of mind. |
| 2 | 0 | Twos are defined by their empathy of other people. They are uniquely gifted at tuning in on the feelings of others. This makes them great networkers. They feed on their connection to others, love of friends and family. However being too caught up with other people can drain them, and cause them to lose track of their own personal well being. |
breathless / Breathe here
Wednesday, April 3, 2002
(8:01 p.m.) [link]
Nothing much today, other than catching up on sleep. I've been losing a lot of it.
Oh, did work on the intro page of a site I'm slowly building. FFX Yaoi. Flash. I like it.
Oh yeah, I remember some time ago something about the different kinds of Chinese/Western Zodiac combinations, but I never had a chance to look into it to find mine. Can someone point me in the right direction?
I'm going to go vegetate now. After the crap in March, I think I've earned the right. Later.
breathless / Breathe here
Tuesday, April 2, 2002
(5:18 p.m.) [link]
Those who support Bush as president and think he's doing a fine job... will want to either skip to the next entry or else leave this page entirely.
That being said, let it be known I'm not a huge R&B fan. I despise the stuff coming out as "R&B" today, because IMGO, it's shit. However, I have exceptions to every rule, and Stevie Wonder is one of them.
Now then, to the point. Stevie wrote this song back when Nixon was president. And we all know how good a president he was. Looking over the lyrics, I felt they applied to the current situation as it stands today.
(Oh Bill, I miss you. I couldn't care less if Monica was shining your sausage. Kennedy surely got a few in his day...)
You Haven't Done Nothin'
We are amazed but not amused
By all the things you say that you'll do
Though much concerned but not involved
With decisions that are made by youBut we are sick and tired of hearing your song
Telling how you are gonna change right from wrong
'Cause if you really want to hear our views
"You haven't done nothing"!It's not too cool to be ridiculed
But you brought this upon yourself
The world is tired of pacifiers
We want the truth and nothing elseAnd we are sick and tired of hearing your song
Telling how you are gonna change right from wrong
'Cause if you really want to hear our views
"You haven't done nothing"!
We would not care to wake up to the nightmare
That's becoming real life
But when misled who knows a person's mind
Can turn as cold as ice un humWhy do you keep on making us hear your song
Telling us how you are changing right from wrong
'Cause if you really want to hear our views
"You haven't done nothing"!
Yeah
breathless / Breathe here
(12:58 p.m.) [link]
And because I'm an utter jerk-tress who should set her priorities straight (though honestly I thought it was in April... I think I confused Kit for Ki...)
For you, Kit. If you want, find me a pic of a bish you like and I'll make a skin for you that won't be available to anyone else. Sorry, I didn't mean to forget your B-day. Too much shit in my life at the time. Forgive?
1 sigh / Breathe here
(12:31 p.m.) [link]
So it's like this. When I disappeared, things were already chaotic. But then AT&T decides they want to pull a boneheaded move...
WARNING: The following may be prone to foul language. Read on at your own risk.
So anyway, like I said, things were chaotic. But then an AT&T personnel comes to the door (UNannounced and no prior appointment made or mailed to us) asking for the cable equipment back. More specifically, TV eqiuipment. Hello, we gave that back months ago. And I explain as much. Fine, least I thought. So I go back to my computer... only to realize the fucker had cut my connection and din't even TELL me he was going to do so.
What gives? In October 2001, we plucked down nearly $500 to pay for back bills and get it reconnected. The bill said 412, and the rest was late fees and reconnection. Yet the bill still remained high, as if we paid nothing.
Well, peeps, works something like this.
Even though we paid to get the service reconnected, the cum-licking bastards still wanted their cheap-ass, shoddy made equipment back. Yet no where did they tell us this, even though we were getting the service turned back on. And why would they need it back if we're still going to keep the service? Simple, least we found out much much later (after several confrontations). See, even though a person pays to reconnect the service after a disconnection, they want the equipment back so they are then able to again charge for installation. So the reason the bill remained so high was because of the cable modem we didn't feel a need to return, nor were ever told point blank to return. Oh yes, and I have two sale bills selling much better cable modems for $99 and $129, but they're saying the one they gave me is worth $500. Um... no.
So we let cocksuckers cut it off. Mom's going to call the CPUC (California Public Utilities Commission) about their less that ethical business practices, her local congressman, and is looking into filing a class action lawsuit just for all the stress they put her through. Because, nowhere on any of the subsequent bills did it say what the ludicrous charges were for.
This was little more than a week ago. During that time, I went to SBC PacBell's site and looked into the DSL services. Before they would always say it wasn't available in my area. This time, it was. And if I stay with their service for a year, I get to keep the equipment for free. Self Installation is free, and all we pay is the monthly charge of $50. This, granted, is more than the base price of AT&T, but I don't get teh kind of bullshit from PB as I did before. I mean, I called tech support when the pages weren't loading too fast, and got a live person in under five minutes. You don't want to know how long getting a live person takes with AT&T... and then they might qualify as "live", but they're brain dead for everything else.
So that's where I went. I'm on DSL now. It's okay; I have to get use to it. I also have to remember to empty my cache every now and then. I think I'll get a cable modem for myself later on and depending on how things go, if I move, I'll have a choice of either DSL or cable, and it's my own equipment either way. And if it's the cunt-eating whoremongers at AT&T, then I don't have to worry about them coming to get the equipment (though there's a one time $10 charge for using your own stuff...)
With that said, I'm more or less back. I'll play catch up later. Ja ne.
1 sigh / Breathe here
