Wednesday, March 27, 2002
(7:04 p.m.) [link]
No, I'm not back yet, but I just wanted to post my personal philosophies as written at this site. To the original author, may you start a new religion.
1 sigh / Breathe here
(10:15 a.m.) [link]
If anyone's the least bit curious, I'll be back in communicado around the beginning of April (1-2 or so). I'll explain my absense then.
1 sigh / Breathe here
Tuesday, March 19, 2002
(9:39 p.m.) [link]
If anyone asks, this day did not exist.
breathless / Breathe here
Sunday, March 17, 2002
(10:09 p.m.) [link]
And on a side note.
....the insanity continues.
breathless / Breathe here
(7:11 p.m.) [link]
I'm on a coding sabbatical.
Translation: She's coding and won't be logging too many entries until she's done.
I'll log once I'm through if there's anything of interest (from my POV) to write about. Until then...
-Gen
breathless / Breathe here
Thursday, March 14, 2002
(10:05 p.m.) [link]
I feel obligated to post sense I didn't really yesterday, but the thing is, there's nothing to say. See, I slept most of the day. Too much of the day, in fact. This is not normal. A nap between 2-4 perhaps, (why? Because it's the hottest part of the day, and I am a leo...), but not the whole day. Usually, such an occurence indicates a stage of depression, but if that's true, I couldn'r begin to think what for. ::sigh::
In other uninportant news, I just ordered a tonberry plushie and Tidus lunchbox. Why? Because I wanted to. Besides, the Tonberry's cute, and I have a thing for stuffed animals.
I wanted the clocks, but they're out of stock. Nnndarnit.
Nothing much beyond that. Oh yeah, someone's paying me fifty bucks to set them up with their own virtual server and journal (course I'm using greymatter). They want me to do the layout (wee). Once I get it set up, they take over (good, or else they'd pay me monthly). Least it's a start.
Inane babbling. I'm going to work on my own project now. (...I haven't posted to the boards... shame)
I just realized that I don't use the extended entry option too much. Maybe I'll use it as a "listening to"... if I feel like it. ::shrugs and gets back to work::
breathless / Breathe here
Wednesday, March 13, 2002
(9:17 p.m.) [link]
SNAFU
breathless / Breathe here
Tuesday, March 12, 2002
(7:49 p.m.) [link]
...uh-huh.
It just occurred to me that I haven't posted. Then it occurred to me that I didn't vote in the state election last week. Then I remembered... Hell Week. Voting was the last thing on my mind.
Life's calmed down for the moment. How long that will last, I've no idea. I hope long enough to let me finish part one of my CB fic. It's got an interesting premise, IMO. And I like it. I want to do it, even if it sucks in the end.
Though it's hard to write anything, including this, when listening to PSME music and feeling one's soul hover on the edge of the dream world and wishing it didn't have to return. Curse this physical body of mine.
breathless / Breathe here
Monday, March 11, 2002
(9:20 p.m.) [link]
I feel tired today. Not physically speaking, just soul weary. I fought it down for the most part, but I'm hindered in my ability to work with lack of information. Unfortunately, gathering the needed info always takes time. And I'm not patient.
I'm a product of my age. I want instant info. I can have instant noodles, instant soup, instant entertainment, and instant sex. So why can't I have instant information? Why is that prized so highly?
...so I answered my own question. Sue me (you won't get anything).
Brat mode over. Last note, I bought a Tidus Figure (1/6 scale, it's pretty big, IMO). I'm happy.
breathless / Breathe here
Sunday, March 10, 2002
(10:40 p.m.) [link]
Dear Winamp,
Gen
breathless / Breathe here
(12:54 p.m.) [link]
Thanks, Kit. If you go back over your previous comment, you'll see those words that came through are now censored. I knew I'd forgotten some. I left damn and hell, because, well... hell. Besides, I don't consider them hardcore enough.
Penis and Vagina, regardles of what prudes think, are not swear words (even if they treat them as such).
Back to work for me. WOrking on layout for upcoming site. Whoohaa... perl. Yipee. /¬.¬\
breathless / Breathe here
(1:11 a.m.) [link]
Yes, Kit, it censors language, least in the comments. Only reason I did that is because, unfortunately, any nutcase who happens by can leave a comment (unless I ban the ip address). Go ahead and spew profanity, though. Anything that comes through, I can add to the list. /^^\
2 sighs / Breathe here
Saturday, March 9, 2002
(7:36 p.m.) [link]
There was a quiz here once, but the link's outdated...
breathless / Breathe here
(3:48 p.m.) [link]
Here's a link for you, Kit. I'm not sure if you've been there before or not. Interesting Bebop gallery. Just thought I'd pass it along.
All's quiet. It's only me and David in the house. I can handle that.
Did Jasmine leave? Is she still here? I thought she was rather calm about the whole thing. I admire her that, because I think someone would have been stabbed by now if I'd been in her shoes.
I was freaked yesterday. My mother's bf was left here... and I was the only other person in the house... and nobody thought to tell me this. Nothing against the man, but I don't like the thought of being left alone with guys I'm not related to. Hell, there's quite a few I'm related to that I still don't want to be left alone with. And I don't like playing host, so I don't. Unfortunately, being on the second floor, the only means of escape in my room is the door leading in and out, and the window. I have pepperspray, but still, I'm just not crazy at having found myself in such a situation. I don't think I'm wrong in feeling this way, either.
My sleep has been so chaotic and heavy (when I do get to sleep) that if I have been dreaming, I certainly can't remember it. I still remember the dream that wasn't though. I say that because I don't know if I was asleep or awake, dreaming or feeling or just remembering.
But I'll always remember the sensation of wings curling around me... so... comfortable, and safe. Something I am hard pressed to feel these days.
I'm going to go back into my streaming conscious piece later on. I went back over my archives and found I missed doing that.
The sun's blinding me off my monitor screen. It's slightly windy, but mainly quiet. I can hear a car engine start somewhere in the distance.
I can live with this. I could... stay here in this moment, I think. Maybe.
2 sighs / Breathe here
(3:28 p.m.) [link]
To: Chaos incarnate and all representives thereof
Re: The past week beginning MondayLook. I think I've gotten my fair share, so could you kindly either a: go pick on somebody else, or b: take a vacation? Either way, leave me the hell alone. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Gen
breathless / Breathe here
Friday, March 8, 2002
(1:27 a.m.) [link]
I just thought of something after I posted that (long) entry with the surveys. I didn't need a test telling me I'm antisocial. I was born antisocial. I wouldn't be surprised if it's my picture next to the word in the dictionary. Talk about stating the obvious. Sheesh.
It's late. I should be asleep. I'll go remedy that.
breathless / Breathe here
Thursday, March 7, 2002
(11:07 p.m.) [link]
It's late, I'm bored, so I decided to cave in and take a couple of surveys that I've had an eye on. The results as follows.
...and this means what, exactly?
Which member of Weiß are you?
Okay, someone's been smoking something and they really need to stop smoking it.
I am pleased.
You are Vicious
You have a wicked looking bird and cause a lot of bloodshed. Revenge and power are what you care about.
Which Cowboy Bebop Character Are You?
Considering what I know happened, I really can't blame him for wanting Spike dead. However, I'm still upset with what he did to Gren. Other than that, eh, no biggie.
Disorder: Rating
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Very High
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
...eh.
That's it for now. If I ever get bored again to this point, well, I'll find some more tests to take.
breathless / Breathe here
(9:20 p.m.) [link]
Just because I can. Written by V. Reid. Performed by Living Colour (the group). Do not get this and play if 1: there's been a death of someone you know, 2: you've just had a break up.
Broken Hearts
I see the fragments of the dreams I used to have,
And bits of aspiration lying in the sandThe stained glass wall of love,
That I cannot see through,
Provides the only light here in my lonely roomA breeze reminds me of the changing time and place,
A tear that takes forever rolls down your timeless faceI hear that they say that broken hearts will mend,
But when they do they're never good as new.
I wish right now I could change it back,
I never meant to do the things I did to hurt you.I never really thought that it would come to this,
Sometimes the things you lose are often the things you miss.
I see the reason for things I used to do,
They're all transparent now and so I see the truth.I hear they say that broken hearts will mend,
But when they do they're never good as new.
I wish right now that I could change it back,
I know you don't believe but I care about you.And I never meant to do those things I did to hurt you.
1 sigh / Breathe here
(8:53 p.m.) [link]
I should reiterate. I'm not saying anybody does want me to say anything. Mainly that I don't know what I should be saying. ("Say" in the figurative sense.) I don't care about other parties, really, I'm just concerned with my own self and how I should be reacting/dealing/coping.
It's been very quiet here the last two days. Yesterday I was alone, today it was just me and my brother. Unfortunately, I guess I'm dropping off a manic episode, which leaves only one other kind. My truly severe depression attacks always make me do one thing. Sleep. A perfectly good day gone to way as I slept through it. And I wasn't physically tired, just mentally drained. I hate days like those. I want to get up and do soemthing, but I just can't.
Anyway, in regards to the actions of ones character. Had it been a case of said character being murdered or killed in an accident, I would think that yes, that part the character represents is or has simply died off. But it was a suicide. To me, that indicates a desire to kill/repress the part that character represents.
At least, that's how I see it.
I haven't killed any of mine off, though some I'm more protective of than others. Those I'd like to kill off I can't, which means it's probably more an external aspect of my life than any internal piece of my own psyche.
Not much else to say. Still in a fog, so I'll stop here.
1 sigh / Breathe here
Wednesday, March 6, 2002
(8:39 p.m.) [link]
Didn't log an entry yesterday. Don't really feel like doing it now, but something says I should, so I might as well listen to those voices in my head for once.
Bri says she's going to move in with Shalia. I don't consider it official until her stuff is gone.
Someone wants to pay me $50 to do a one page website for them. Yeah, sure, whatever.
Some old acquaintances have gotten back in touch with me. I'd rather enjoyed the solitude given previously.
...I don't know what to say, really. I don't know what anyone wants me to say. I've been in this fog since the start of this week and I can't seem to get out of it. Muses gone, motivation gone. And it's not a depression, because at least with that there's some kind of emotion there behind it. This... this is...
This is nothing. Literally, I feel nothing. I can't even say if I like feeling this or not because in order to like something, you have to have the capacity to feel the emotion, and at the moment, I don't.
This isn't about the loss of a life. And such a tragic one. I couldn't begin to tell anyone about it. It... I don't know. The chaos that's been residing in here since Monday of this week has just... it feels like it's cutting off all sensory stimuli to my brain. So now I guess I have to cut a path though it to get back to the semi-psychotic/depressive state I was in before.
Don't knock it, said state of being makes for great inspiration.
I'm going to go look at Jupiter Jazz II. Maybe I can find a way back through an old friend. Angst.
1 sigh / Breathe here
Monday, March 4, 2002
(7:26 p.m.) [link]
My sister has a friend. Her name's Shalia, (mispelled on purpose, reasons later). They've been friends for years, though it's waxed and waned over the years, and friendships are wont to do. In general, the family likes Shalia. She got a raw deal from her mother, though. She was completely dependant on Shalia, never letting her live her own life and tying the poor girl down to her, two younger, mentally handicapped/challenged twin sisters, and a younger brother.
Remember this, it's important.
Today started out like any other. I rolled over and looked at the clock. I make it a practice to get out of bed and on my computer around 8-8:30 to catch Ki before she goes to work. I debated going to school and decided against it, since I needed to replace my shoes first. There was nothing prior to 8:23 to warn me what kind of day it was going to be.
Having gotten little sleep the previous night, I was drifting back off around that time when I was awaken by the sounds of such utter despair. It took me a moment to recognize the sobbing voice as my own mother.
I don't given into my fears too easily with two exceptions. Height and bugs. Hearing this sound went beyond any petty phbia I currently have.
I threw on a house dress as fast as I could, not caring more than being covered and decent. When I opened my room, I did a quick head count. Mother, sister, brother. The first two were embracing each other and were the source of the despair that had woke me up.
My mother's current boyfriend only gave me a snippet of it. One word stood out.
...dead...
I had no thoughts at that point. I needed more information. Fortunately, my brother supplied it.
Shalia's mother had died that morning of a heart attack.
All I could think about was Shalia's life, and how it would never be the same. Now she was responsible for her younger siblings, just like her mother had tried to make her for so long.
Then the second bit of news came to me. The woman had no insurance.
To anyone reading this, if you have one parent you care about, ask them if they have life insurance. Nobody wants to think about it, but better to talk when you don't need it, than not have talked and find that you do.
Then came the final peice, the punch in the gut...
Today was the twin girls birthday today.
But there's nothing I could do. If I had some magic wand, the woman would be there, celebrating with her children like she should be.
....
But I can't. I can't do anything really that's going to make this any easier. Silently, all I could do was appreciate the parent I have (I've only had one good one).
...so why in all that's unholy does Bri proceed to stress her out, when we all know she has a heart condition herself and suffers from Bi-Polar? I understand that she wants to be there for her friend, but think about your own family first before you do something you'll forever regret!
Bri has to go. She's much too self-centered, and she has a drug problem she refuses to admit to. Maybe it is only marijuana, but it's done in excess and it's making her impossible to live with.
I'm going to talk to mom about giving her an ultimatum. Because I refuse to lose my mother behind her.
Some things I will fight for, even if it's the devil himself.
1 sigh / Breathe here
Sunday, March 3, 2002
(8:37 p.m.) [link]
In response to an unidentified ::cough:: rant on indifference:
"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."
breathless / Breathe here
Saturday, March 2, 2002
(9:35 p.m.) [link]
Okay, Kit, I saw the last ep of Bebop. Now kindly explain it to me because it just seems to me that Spike kicked the bucket Anything beyond that? I was expecting the "it's a dream" thing (been done to death) for a hot second there.
Unfortunately, I missed ep 23 and 24, which were the ones I really wanted to see. Guess I'll get the last DVD if it's out. Later, though. (I felt bad for Faye in 26. Poor woman. She really did care... she deserved better.)
I'm being drawn into another anime series. Pilot Candidate for (the?) Goddess or something like that. CN just calls it Pilot Candidate. Think I'll stick with that. Looks interesting. Hope they keep the femme involvement down to a minimum. Have to wait and see.
2 sighs / Breathe here
(6:32 p.m.) [link]
I saw an angel giving a sacrifice.
The fire played off her ebony skin. Her hair fell in dark waves down her back, between the white wings of a dove. They ruffled a bit, then settled down. On her shoulder sat a basket, flowers spilling down the side and hiding what lay within.
I don't know what the basket contained, because I did not have the right eyes to see into it. At least, this is what she told me.
"So what are the right eyes and how can I get them?" I asked.
"To look into my basket, you have to stop seeing with the eyes you use now."
I told her that didn't make any sense to me. She only smiled, then went back to watching the flame. I asked her if she was going to pour the contents of her basket into the fire, but she only shook her head.
"I can't pour it until you look at what I have," she said.
"But you just told me I can't," came my reply. My head felt heavy as my thoughts ran in circles. "You're confusing me."
The angel only smiled and watched the flames a bit more. I decided to look at the fire myself, when I noticed that it rested in the middle of three Egyptian busts. That seemed odd to me, so I told her so.
"I do not follow the rules that humans have imposed on themselves. I simply am."
"You are what?"
"I am nothing. I am everything. I'm in between. I'm all around. I am infinite. I am minute. I am Creation. I am Destruction. I am."
And this made sense to me. So I told her so.
"Why does it make sense?"
"Because I listen to your words with a free and clear mind, instead of the mind that the creatures in my world are trying to create within me."
"You are close, but you still look with your eyes."
"...I don't know if I can remember how to see without them," I told her.
"You did once."
"It feels like another lifetime."
"Have you changed so much? Or is it something else?"
"Something else." And tht was an honest answer. "...can I still see without my eyes?"
"Only you can answer that."
"...it's a precious gift. I feel it slipping away. I don't want to lose it, though. Please, let me look in your basket."
And I closed my eyes.
I saw an angel give a sacrifice. She threw the ashes of dreams into the fire. But I was not sad.
From those ashes came the Phoenix. It didn't stay long, but I knew it was still there.
It would come back soon.
Inspired by a candle holder and an oil burner.
breathless / Breathe here
Friday, March 1, 2002
(7:44 p.m.) [link]
Kit: The song is called "Space Lion" as some kind person told me off the ML. I'm grabbing it at the time of posting.
Raine: Asterisks become bold because I have the easy formatting turning on in the entries. Remind me to post what turns into what on the comment form one of these days. I usually stick with colons anyway for actions, but that's just me.
Nothing much else to say. I'll do my silly entry when I'm in a lighter mood.
1 sigh / Breathe here
(11:47 a.m.) [link]
So my Bebop DVD with the Jupiter Jazz eps came this morning. And in it I've found one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard...
...why did it have to be a dirge?
So perhaps it was just meant as a lovely peice in an anime that has no effect on reality as we know it, but... but when I listen to it, I feel I can touch that dream world I didn't even know I was looking for. Those negative emotions I have become muted and distant until I can almost pretend they don't exist.
It leaves me content, it leaves me sad. It leaves me wanting, it leaves me satisfied.
Until it finally leaves me.
There are many songs I enjoy, and more than inspire or create a mood for me.
There's precious few that will move through me as this one.
I just hope I can find it.
And find what it tells me I'm looking for.
2 sighs / Breathe here
