Thursday, February 28, 2002
(9:50 p.m.) [link]
So as I was working on this little nightmare of mine, and going through various web building sites before finally saying to hell with it, I'm keeping my tables, I ran across an article for "good webjournal writing". At first I was confused. It's my journal, to do with as I see fit. Are you telling me I have to follow some kind of rule for it too?
Took me a few to realize they were referring to journals meant for mass consumption, like the one I was reading it off of.
Still, it did bring the question to mind. Why do we private journal keepers... journal?
I'm afraid the reason for me is painfully shallow and insipid, as it's easier (and more fun/frustrating) to work on a layout and type in an entry than it is to try writing it out by hand in a dairy (worse still in trying to go back and read it.
And just out of curiosity, does anyone ever take a day and go back over their own archives, just to see how they may have changed over time?
Totally off topic. (Why, because I can.) Do something silly in your next entry, (or whenever). Write it as you usually would, but take some of the words and replace it with something completely made-up. Why? Just to see how nonsensical you can get, and give yourself (or someone else) a cheap laugh.
Go on, you know you want to. (And I don't mean in my comments for those who use it /^^\ )
2 sighs / Breathe here
(2:01 p.m.) [link]
I'm happy to report that at the time of this entry, the HTML in the index page of Locuran is valid.
2 sighs / Breathe here
(1:24 p.m.) [link]
Here's one for you. A spam asking for my permission to get more spam. What, don't believe me? Here, read this. (links removed for sake of privacy).
Dear Web Publisher:
This is a one time request for permission of sending emails to you. If you want to be on our mailing list for web publishers, please click ADD ME to add your email address on the publisher mailing list. If you want to be on our mailing list for Internet advertisers, please click ADD ME to add your email address on the advertiser mailing list. If you don't want to be on any of these lists, please ignore this email.
On a mailing list, you will not receive many emails from us (about once a month). All emails sent to you will be about the opportunities in AdsExchange.com - a leading Internet advertising network offering web publishers suitable ads to carry and giving Internet advertisers quality web pages for advertising. For more information, please visit our web site.
If you have any questions, please use this email address: ----AT-AdsExchange.com to contact us.
Best Regards!
AdsExchange Marketing
Spam for spam... new concept. Not. Well, I suppose I should be thankful that they asked me... uh-huh... right.
Go away, spam. I have a template to try and validate.
breathless / Breathe here
(11:59 a.m.) [link]
As I thought, my foray into the infamous box model was a complete disaster. Why? Because looking at it in IE6 gives me one thing, and Netscape, another.
The browser wars are ridiculous.
But I did do one good thing in that I made the table width I'm working with relative versus the fixed width I had before. The only thing fixed now is the boddy padding. 20px from the margin all around, mroe or less.
I guess it depends on the browser.
I really wanted to move the menu type side to the right, but while more than possibly, it would cut into some convenience I have set up with the GM templates. Not worth it.
Well, at least I figured out one way of getting an opaque background. Not too bad, I think.
breathless / Breathe here
Wednesday, February 27, 2002
(12:31 a.m.) [link]
Why oh why won't the browser idiots agree on anything? Why must there be browser specific commands? And why the hell do I have to worry about being validated any friggin' way?
Of course, I'm ranting about minor annoyances because I'm way too pissed off to get into the reason why I'm so pissed. That's going to come tomorrow, depending on whether or not I'm going to have to drag my ass out of bed at some point tonight to go get mother unit out the friggin' hospital.
Just suffice it to say, nobody will say I wasn't within my rights when I go kill my siblings, all of them.
breathless / Breathe here
Tuesday, February 26, 2002
(2:55 p.m.) [link]
To anyone who hasn't gotten Nutscape 6.1 for whatever reason... get it. At least so you can get a better rendering of stylesheets than back in the 4.0 days. And with 6.2 it will allow for fixed backgrounds in page elements outside of just the BODY, unlike IE for Win.
Not that I'm giving up on my IE, but it's nice to see the a:hover commands finally working in netscape, at least.
And if it looks like a mess at the time you're reading this, you'll have to excuse me. I'm in the middle of redesigning a few things to break out of the tables and into pure CSS.
breathless / Breathe here
(9:12 a.m.) [link]
Why yes, the look has been slightly altered. I got bored with the starfield. I might move things around a bit more later, but for now, I'm pleased.
breathless / Breathe here
Monday, February 25, 2002
(8:34 a.m.) [link]
Apparently there's a difference between a guy's messy room and a femme's messy room.
My mother's current beau said my room looked like a guy's by way of the mess. Strangely, I found this statement to be rather satisfying.
Physically, I want to be seen as a woman, even though in a lot of places that cuts any respect I should rightfully have as a human being down to nothing. But I was born female and I've grown fond of these two guys sitting on my chest, so that is how I wish to be seen.
Emotionally and mentally however, I don't want to be seen as female. Not that I want to be seen as a guy either, but rather a nice blending of the two. A lot of people tell me I seem to understand the male species pretty well. That's probably because 1: I've adopted some of their [better] ways of thinking, and 2: I'm trying to discard all the illogic associated with females.
And let's be honest. Females can be very illogical. So much that it makes me grit my teeth. For example, I never understood the need to expect anyone to know why one is upset without telling them. Nobody (or very few) is a mindreader. And I don't care if you've been together for years and think the other party should just know you that well, it doesn't happen all the time. Tell the man what is wrong and maybe he can actually fix it instead of standing there wondering what the hell is going on in that hormonal laden head of said femme.
Another thing I'll never get is the need to try and force the male significant other to not look at other femmes. Ladies, men are by nature visual creatures. And there are other femmes, whether by nature or by operation ("Trust me, dear, they're fake") who just garner second looks. So what? Let him look at some chick's ass or boobs. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as he doesn't touch.
I highly doubt if I will ever marry at this point now. But, if I did, I already plan on letting my other know that sure, he can go to a strip joint if he wants. Just two conditions. 1: No touching. 2: If I want to go to a nude bar myself (with men, of course) then I have the right as well.
Because if there's one thing I despise most in the world, it's the gender double standard.
Strangely, people say this is a very liberal way of thinking. I just call it common sense. If you give someone a few desserts here and there instead of trying to deprive them altogether, then there's less of a chance they'll go out, buy, and devour a wholecheesecake.
I bet a lot of extramarital affairs might have been avoided this way.
But I suppose my thoughts are liberal. I doubt too that I'll have kids, but I always felt that if I did, then when they were teens, (having given them "The Talk" long before), I'd tell them it's okay to makeout in their own room, so long as they use a condom. Why? Teens on average are going to either have or want to know about sex. It is nature. Animals in the wild do it, and I don't put us above them. So knowing that, I'd rather know where my teen is and know they're using protection than sneaking out to Fates-know-where and one day finding out I'm going to be a grandmother...
...or something worse.
I remember telling a teen friend of mine this, she said I should rule the world. I told her I didn't want it, it's broken beyond repair.
Kit: Your journal. One word. Archive.
It's 8:23... I don't want to go to class. I am not prepared for class, either in way of material, or emotionally.
You know what it's like to walk out your house and immediately start seeing things in shades of red? I don't want to be locked up. There's no internet either in jail or the nuthouse.
...weren't we in a heat wave just a couple of days ago? And now it's foggy. Cali's weather system is as confused in the head as I am. Nice to know that. I'll take the fog, though. I like fog, overcast, and rain.
Shades of grey. Overcast being what I consider happy. Fog, embracing.
Rain, solitude, because it chases everyone inside.
And I can pretend I'm alone in the city.
Those are my peaceful thoughts. I wish I could have more.
1 sigh / Breathe here
Sunday, February 24, 2002
(10:54 a.m.) [link]
This site goes against everything I believe in when it come to fanfiction. And I say that for three lines of reasoning they use.
1. "It's different from other sites because we're reviewing fic for the readers..."
This line of reasoning makes no sense. Simply put, nobody can review anything for somebody else. All this will do is turn extremely weak minded people who can't make their own decisions to listen to soemone elses.
2. "So screw the writers"
...hypothetically, let me ask this. What would happen if all writers, be they good, mediocre, or bad, just stopped?
Nothing to read? Yes, I thought that was the answer.
2. "And you know what we think? Fanfic writers are often attention-seeking crybabies who can't write, and they need a slap to the fuckin' head."
Before I even start with this, yes, I know they may/or may not mean everyone, but it's a generalization that, frankly, sucks dead goats nuts.
Now then, to actually go into this, which I rather not because looking at it just makes me ill, many people write for different reasons. So first we have to look at the motivation for a story.
If the motivation is a simple self-insertion fic, then it's got a strike against it and we'll have to look into the other aspects behind the fic itself.
If it's a case of helping the writer get past some personal incident in their own life, and is not a self-insertion, then comes the quesiton of how well can teh aurhot relate the characters to the situation and turn it into a catharsis.
If perhaps it's a case of writing to fulfil a request, then it can go either way...
I can go on and on with this, but I'm not going to. I have never and will never understand the need to complain about things that you are not forced to do. So what if a bad fic is popular? So what if a good fic isn't? If you like or dislike something, you either read it or you don't. Simple.
Things like this make me wish all writers would stop writing, so we can see where all the readers do with the sudden amount of spare time they'd find themselves with since there'd be nothing to complain about or enjoy.
(edit)
And before anyone asks, I'm not saying this just for the sake of my own fics. I'm saying this because I've felt the frustration of seeing someone who really tried and did the best they could, and were in fact willing to improve, get shredded and vow never to write or finsh a fic again. I feel like something I could have enjoyed has been stolen when that happens.
On the other end of the spectrum, no, I don't believe a writer or their friends should flame someone for constructive criticism on one condition alone, it was requested. I don't believe in free criticism, because too many people out there think themselves some kind of self-labeled editor and can take that to say whatever they feel like. However, if it's requested, then that's a completely different story, and a writer should know that they are opening themselves up not only to constructive comments, but attacks as well, whether with good intentions or no.
And let's all try and remember one thing, none of this is getting anyone any monetary gain, and none of it is serious. It is a hobby. A pasttime. It used to be fun, but it's pretty obvious people have forgotten what that means and what it used to be like.
To those who would pipe up, "I can say what I want." Perhaps. I certainly can't and won't stop that. But there's a difference in having and using a privilege (because in countries where you can say what you want, that's exactly what free speech is) and abusing it.
A lot of problems would be solved if people who are sensitive enough to others would stop and think how they'd feel to be on the receiving end of their own words. Unfortunately, a lot of people wouldn't care even if they were, so it makes no difference.
As I told my friend, I am slowly learning not to care. I'm just waiting for my expiration date at this point.
breathless / Breathe here
Saturday, February 23, 2002
(10:38 p.m.) [link]
Kit: When you say "the Anne Rice books", I'm going to go against my personal morals (HAH) and assume you're referring to her vampire line of novels.
Oooh, bad idea.
See, Ms. Rice did a wonderful job, IMO, of exploring the many levels of love and dominance, submission, the need for control or to be controlled, and an all around nice romp into the world of sadomasochism.
Just not in her vampire books.
The Beauty Trilogy. "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" "Beauty's Punishment" and "Beauty's Release"
Unfortunately, you'll have to get an adult ::cough:: to get these for you, more than likely.
The only similarity it has with the original tale of Sleeping Beauty is it has a happy ending. Just don't ask me what that ending is.
But, as with anything else, that's just my perception.
Now, about that whole goth wannabe angst thing. I'd like to think 70-80% of the average teenage population in this country goes through that. Yes, it can be silly, but, believe it or not, it also serves a purpose. Mainly it's one of those "searching" periods, where said teen is trying to find an identity to call one's own. More often than not, said teen does not want anything remotely resembling that of their parent(s). Since most parents tend to be productive members of society, well, where does that leave said teen?
Get where I'm going with this?
When I was a teen, I wanted to be in the goth scene, but I figured I was too shallow and lacking some great, dark depth of character for that. As time progressed and I went through my own personal hells and nightmares and came back (against my will), I became a bit jaded, cynical, and pretty much apathetic to most things. (A bit? ...stop laughing) Funny thing, a couple of years back I ran into an old friend who was one of those wannabes back in the day. After talking for all of five minutes, he said something to the effect of my personality seeming rather macabre and gothic.
Heh, so I wind up getting what I thought I wanted, and realizing I don't care either way.
Just grit your teeth. I wouldn't put much stock into them. Though some of the extremely bratty ones who really have no good reason to despair (or think despair is their parents cutting their credit line) should be smacked. Consider it your civic duty.
1 sigh / Breathe here
(1:15 p.m.) [link]
And I had to give Greymatter a couple of more swats. It wasn't sending me comment notification. Baaaaad Greymatter. Heel already. Behave.
It's not a bad journal program, really, it's just very very picky about things.
breathless / Breathe here
(1:12 p.m.) [link]
Raine: Sit back, this will get long...
Saying this is going to be a lot easier than doing it. It took me a few years to get past that point where my sperm-donor made me mad to just, well... now, I'm simply apathetic. And since I don't know the whole story, what I'm about relate to you may not apply entirely to your own problems, but maybe it will help in some way.
I had one of those dead-beat dads. I don't even like using the term "dad" because it implies a relationship of sorts. In truth, I'm 26, now and I can count the number of times I've seen this man on one hand in my entire life. Hence the new term, sperm-donor.
Anyway, at one point, when I began to realize what a dad should be like, I was angry, to say the least. Worse, on one of those rare times when I was to see him (I called him to tell him my grandmother died. He said something a little flippant about that being life until he realized it was me and not one of his other daughters), I stayed at his place for a night, then the next I went out with a friend and her family. Well, the affair we went to ended late, and the bus never showed up, so we were late getting to her place.
The man didn't even hear me out, but simply accused me of sleeping around. Nevermind the fact I was with two adults who could vouch for me at the time. He took me home (with a fair amount of words exchange) and I didn't see him again up until about a year ago. During that time he fled (and I mean fled) Cali due to some charges. What, I don't know. I don't want to know. I don't care. He's lucky I'm not vindictive, since I could easily point the cops in his direction.
So he pops back up. He glosses over that incident. I've since found out he's the father of two twin girls, half-Korean, but he says he's not. Further info came to past that while hardly any of his daughters know him, he's been in contact with nearly all his sons.
Had all this come about when I was still in my teens, I'd probably have been very upset. Now, though, I don't care. Really. At this point I'm not sure if he's even still alive (when I last saw him I found he's got massive heart problems from all the drugs he'll swear up and down he never took. /¬.¬\ ).
The reason I don't care anymore is at some point, I realized I was angry because he wasn't there for me. But I finally figured it out, I didn't need him. He chose not to be a part of my life, and I feel my life as a whole is a lot better because of it. If he's that irresponsible as a parent, why would I need him to screw up my life like he's done to his own.
I'll admit, my apathy is taken to extremes, because I can honestly say I won't feel any loss if I find he is dead. I didn't make the decision for him not to be there, he did. I'm just glad I had a mother who was able to help me be strong enough to say to myself, "I didn't need him after all."
I used to get mad. I used to think about how he should be doing this or that. My older sister's dad was more of a father to me, and he had major issues he was trying to deal with. And I cried when we lost him indirectly to those things, because I think we would have been close if he were here. But there's nothing I can do about that except remember the things I learned, both from his accomplishments and his mistakes.
Therein lies the biggest difference, because from my own sperm-donor, there's no good points to be had from the man.
I'm getting off track. When I was angry, I tended to stress, a lot. When I understood that I didn't have to be mad, that there was really no point in worrying about him at all either as a father or a person, a lot of stress disappeared. So while I do know this is going to be a lot harder to do that me actually typing it, I bet a lot of the stress you feel over your dads is in fact because you still worry about them and their impact on your own life. When you can get passed that and know the only person who can truly have an influence on your life is you, and forget about those who would only cause problems anyway, I'm sure a lot of that stress will disappear.
As for the greymatter question... faith and persistence, lots of the latter.
(edit- LN Fic Heaven? What's that? And Rara's been down, though that forbidden page isn't my doing, as I left a message up saying why Rara was closed.)
breathless / Breathe here
Friday, February 22, 2002
(12:58 p.m.) [link]
I have beaten Greymatter back into submission. Why? Because it was asking for a good beating, that's why.
Seriously, it was nothing wrong on the surfer's end of my little nightmare, but every time I wanted to rebuild a particular section, it went to the oh so loveable 500 error.
Anyone who plays with perl just adores those things. ¬.¬
I went to the forum, but (not surprisingly) either nobody knew what I was talking about, nobody oculd figure it out, or just too many questions that could be answered to bother with mine.
Fine fine fine. I should be used to this by now anyway.
So, I went back to templates, since I figured the problem was there. Actually, the problem lay in the javascript to link to the weekly archives, but since I couldn't out why that would cause a problem, I did the next best thing. I got rid of it.
"But the archive menu is still there," says a little voice in the distance.
Yes it is. I got rid of the entire template and saved it in a separate htm file, then in the template box, I just made an SSI call. After several beatings to get the menu to work, we have been successful.
"But nothing's changed," says same little, now annoying, voice.
Course not. The problem wasn't here, where the words sit that someone may be reading, it was on the other end. But it doesn't matter. Just know the problems been fixed, so I eradicated a miniscule bit of stress from my life.
It's the little victories that count, most times.
1 sigh / Breathe here
Thursday, February 21, 2002
(6:37 p.m.) [link]
To: Southern Californa weather patterns
Re: Current Weather conditions
HeLO. It's freakin' February and I'm in the Northern Hemisphere. So I don't appreciate getting low 80s like I got today. Get your damn seasons straight already.
Gen
breathless / Breathe here
(6:09 p.m.) [link]
Raine: If anyone knows about a-hole dads, it's me. Feel free to rant to me here or wherever. You'll have an understanding ear.
Kit: Are you still interested/studying/learning about Wicca? Let me know if you are, there are some questions I'd like to toss around with you about it and things of such sort.
I think the one question that's really on my mind is actually a general one aimed at anyone. Would incorporating aspects/rituals of one religion into one's life who doesn't necessarily practice the religion as a whole detract from the importance/meaning of the ritual itself? I know that's not a question that will yeild any hardcore factual answers, just a bunch of perceptions. Still, it's something that's been on my mind today.
Just because I can, (And because it's my darn journal... excuse me, someone pissed me off, unrelated story)...
I rediscovered this song a couple of days ago. I'm pretty sure those of you who I know venture into my nightmare-journal might not know this. It's an older song (I can remember if it was 80s or 90s. I think the former). Even the title is beautiful (IMO). Unfortunately, there's sad memories for me with it, because it reminds me of a false friend I once had. Still, things were less complicated in those days.
Was I happier with the lies? ...I better question is am I better off without them, which is yes. If I'm honest with myself, I can't answer that first question at this point in time.
Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. Here.
Hush now, don't you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over... or has it just begun?
There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize it and you were scared
It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly you hear and see
This magic new dimension
(I) --will be watching over you
(I) --am gonna help you see it through
(I) --will protect you in the night
(I) --am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity
[Visualize your dream]
[Record it in the present tense]
[Put it into a permanent form]
[If you persist in your efforts]
[You can achieve dream control]
[Dream control]
[How's that then, better?]
[Hug me]
If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from the pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...
(I) --will be watching over you
(I) --am gonna help to see it through
(I) --will protect you in the night
(I) --am smiling next to you....
2 sighs / Breathe here
Wednesday, February 20, 2002
(6:07 a.m.) [link]
6:02 am as I write. I guess I'm in a depressive state. I wish I were happy, or content, but I doubt if I'd be writing.
I wish I wasn't me. If I weren't me, then every time I surf onto a site that links to the site with that review of Rara, I wouldn't feel so bad to know it's up on the net and getting visitors, while my site is gone, and nobody really cares.
If I weren't me, then it wouldn't hurt to see how people can write and write and write their fics, while whenever I go to do the same, I wonder, what's the point? Does anybody really want to read?
If I weren't me, then whenever I've asked for help in maintaining my sites, I'd actually have gotten some instead of being ignored.
If I were me, then when I send someone an email, they'd let me know if they got it and reply. Especially if it's something I felt was important to them.
If I weren't me, then when I ask a question in a forum, it wouldn't be ignored and passed by for twenty other questions that have already been answered a hundred times before.
If I weren't me, I wouldn't be so closed off and able to share of myself without fear of pain that I've known for most of my life.
If I weren't me, there wouldn't be that pain to begin with.
If I weren't me, I wouldn't have all this self doubt. I would be able to just go and do what I like to do and not worry about anything or anyone.
If I weren't me, I wouldn't be here typing this right now.
But I am.
I just wish I wasn't.
Tuesday, February 19, 2002
(10:41 a.m.) [link]
The Suspect: RightStuf
The Crime: Failure to apply discount to gotanime membership
The Motive: Ineptitude
The Evidence: No notation of said discount on order form
The Case:
A phone call placed to customer service. Evidence is presented. Backup evidence includes bankstatement from June/July of last year with purchase of gotanime renewal membership. As call proceeds, customer supports notes that there was a loss of information when upgrading computer systems. Information is found in old system. It is stated that no further incidents will occur and membership will work correctly for all pending and future purchases.
The Verdict: $2.00 USD is to be refunded back to account.
The Moral: I don't give a flying rat's ass if it is only $2, it's my $2 and I want it back.
breathless / Breathe here
Monday, February 18, 2002
(5:34 p.m.) [link]
To anyone wondering why I haven't "said" anything for, what, last two days? I'll just say this. Only an idiot would speak when they have absolutely nothing to say.
I haven't been able to sleep at night for one reason or another, so I wind up crashing during the day, so I get nothing done, and therefor there's nothing really worth talking about.
And yes, my muses sleep with me.
SNAFU.
breathless / Breathe here
Saturday, February 16, 2002
(3:46 p.m.) [link]
Sorry, Kit. When you IMed me, I was having an emergency on the phone and I couldn't get to you. I'll be on later this evening if you want to catch me then.
breathless / Breathe here
Friday, February 15, 2002
(2:31 p.m.) [link]
Today's been very slow. I can't get my mind to work on what it should. So not much to say on days like this.
Other than the fact Kit gnawed on my head for the "kill Spike" comment.
One little bit of sneakiness on my part. I emailed fanfiction.net about all the popups I was getting. No reply. Not surprised. But I can't disable javascript in my IE browser because then it's impossible to use hotmail.
So... I decided not to use IE. Least not for ff.net.
Having decided that, I went ahead and upgraded my nutscape browser to 6.2, made ff.net the homepage there, and just turned off javascript. Now I'm able to surf ff.net in peace and not get a million and one new windows for every click.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to detracted from their need to make some kind of revenue. I can understand, appreciate, and respect it. However, bombarding me with popups is not the way to do it. That just makes me not want to go to the site, or else, as in this case, do something to circumvent the ads.
Maybe if they took a poll, or actually sought to gear adds to the individual, then places banners in perhaps a couple of more places. I'm more likely to click a banner ad that catches my eye, because with popups, the only urge I get is to close the new window.
::sigh::
I don't know why, but that just irks me to high heaven.
As obvious by this entry, my thoughts are scattered and disjointed. I hate that. And I'm tired. I'm going to see if two excedrin, then laying down helps at all.
So if anyone said anything of importance to me and I haven't responded, that's why. Gomen.
1 sigh / Breathe here
Thursday, February 14, 2002
(4:33 p.m.) [link]
This is all I have to say about Valentine's Day.
2 sighs / Breathe here
(6:45 a.m.) [link]
Someone explain to me how what I see in the mirror isn't what everyone else sees. Because what I see is a Black female. I don't comform to the standards offered by Black people in my area, but neither do I actively seek to be "something different". I am Black, I am female, and (more importantly) I am human.
Apparently, however, that's not what the rest of these yahoos are seeing.
Okay, show of hands. How many of you personally know Black Catholics?
...it's not going to be a high number, trust me. I mean, come on, the churched sanctioned slavery back in the day... You'll find more Black Republicans, I'd imagine.
So when you see a Black person, you don't necessarily think they're Catholic, least not where I'm from.
So, yesterday... why did at least 1-2 people ask me if I was Catholic? Then go on to say they didn't think so since I wasn't wearing ash?
This question made no sense to me at the time. Frankly, it still doesn't. So, the only logical explanation I can even bother to give is that they didn't think I was Black.
But... why not? When I look in the mirror, I see a Black person. My family sees me this way as well.
So, what exactly am I missing here?
Don't worry, I'm not having an identity crisis. If push come to shove, I always know I'm human, first and foremost. That's more important to me.
Still, it's very puzzling to me.
...what are these other people seeing?
1 sigh / Breathe here
(6:37 a.m.) [link]
It's 6:35 am as I begin. I can't sleep. My last fic must have flopped. And I have to get up in a few and go to a class I don't want to.
So I'm terribly depressed and wishing I had about two pounds of Godiva chocolate right about now.
breathless / Breathe here
Wednesday, February 13, 2002
(10:24 p.m.) [link]
See Gen. See Gen surf into RightStuf. See Gen make impulse purchase she shouldn't. See Gen buy Cowboy Bebop DVD with Jupiter Jazz I & II.
Watch Gen go invest in Kleenex stock when DVD gets here.
Why must all the good bishes diiieeeeee?
They didn't have to kill Gren. Kill Vicious. Kill Ed. Kill Jet. Kill Spike. ::dodges Kit for last one::
But they could have left Gren. So he had boobs, big deal... happens to the best of us.
::sniffs::
Don't mind me, I'll get over this, really... just give me a couple of months.
1 sigh / Breathe here
(10:17 p.m.) [link]
Hi, Fosh. Nice tip, but I have lazy friends OL. Typing "blournal" is too strenous for them |^^;
Raine: My family all took a vote, and it was unanimous. Your fifth grade teacher was an idiot. Well, I don't feel so bad in my apathy, at least.
I was going to say something else, but most of the people I look in on are on Pitas, which is down, so... guess it can wait.
breathless / Breathe here
(4:15 p.m.) [link]
And while I was typing this, I get this popup ad.
There is a fate named Irony who had a cheap laugh at that.
breathless / Breathe here
(4:12 p.m.) [link]
Mainly to Kit and why I'm not really moved by The Crucible, but the real reason why I hate history to this day.
Forget all the nonsensical wars that the US shouldn't have been in. Forget the fact that European settlers pretty much came in and stole the land from it's rightful heirs and residents. Forget the fact that the govenrment of the past on to the present sucks dead goats nuts. You hae to forget, or I'll wind up writing a very large book about what is wrong with the world and this country.
But I stopped carrying a long time ago, because when I was in grade school, I had to read how people who looked like me, had the same skin tones, features, and hair types like me, were only considered 3/5 a person... they weren't thought to be a whole human being, even though they looked as I do now.
And the reason they were given that much consideration was just so the southern states would have a louder 'voice' to vote with, even though none of those 3/5 people had a say in what happened.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this tragedy is any more or less than any other commited by Europe/US. I'm saying this is why I hate history, and this is where I started down my ill-fated road of apathy. Sure, I'm 'politically' considered a whole human being now, but apparently the people I came from weren't. Why should I bother caring when presented with such information?
(I have to say Europe, because if you really look at the majority of history, most of the problems of the world came about because they felt a need to go out to other lands and declare that theirs was the 'right' way, and everyone else was an animal/beast/barbarian if they did not agree. And whether or not anyone over in Europe wants to admit it, most of the people in the US government can pretty much trace their roots back to European bloodlines. I've not a thing against Europe, but I call a spade a spade.)
There's really no reason to cry. The fact that the world is fucked up is old news. Just have to move through it best you can. All we can do is try not to make the same mistakes that the rest of the populous seem to be making. Will it make a difference? Don't know. Probably not, if I'm honest. But since you're one of the rare individuals who actually think about such things, it will let you live better with yourself.
For those who don't think, don't want to learn, and basically just don't give a damn, there's nothing to be done. Offer a smile and be on your way.
1 sigh / Breathe here
(2:05 p.m.) [link]
On a totally random note, I love my new therapist and would like to offer my body to her for scientific research. Or have her children, whichever come first.
Amber: Congrats. Sounds like quite the achievement. Feel free to gloat all you like. If you can't gloat in a journal, where can you gloat at?
Harlen: Yes, isn't FFX lovely? I'm still bummed at the ending, but FFX International leaves me hopeful.
Kit: Why does this look familiar? Enlighten me, please. And why do you cry? Have I not already proven that morons have taken over the earth? And thanks for the info. If you should ever find Team Bonet's site again, please let me know.
Please excuse me as I go to fall face down and become one with my bed. Aaaauuuuuhhhhmmmm.
1 sigh / Breathe here
Tuesday, February 12, 2002
(6:36 p.m.) [link]
Maybe it's just me, but today seemed to show way too friggen' many pop-ups from fanfiction.net. It was like, every other click somewhere would bring up two new windows. And even when I didn't close the windows, more will still show up.
Maybe it has something to do with me blocking certain sites from tracking my movements on the net. If I want you bloody rimmers knowin' where I was goin', I'd freakin' tell ya! Ahem, ignore that.
So the point? I won't be cruising ff.net as much as I'd like to until some of those popups go away.
breathless / Breathe here
(5:50 p.m.) [link]
And here we see Kit's fascination with the comment feature of my journal. |^^|
Sorry, Kit, but the only HTML allowed in comments are italic, bold, and links, I believe. That's so hopefully no nasty SOBs come along and enter some not-so-nice HTML in.
BTW, make sure you click the link and read all of this entry. Got questions for you.
Gren... ::sniffs::
Well, I went to class. And... I dinnae like it. Nothing worng with the class itself. (though Pascal is nothing more than a learning program. Pretty useless in other areas from what I'm guessing), but the travel to get there and back....
Okay, I personally don't like smoke, and too much of it in a sealed environment will really start to get to me. Well, the public metro trains I use are just that, sealed. So someone tell me why, even with a large fucking "No Smoking" sign, did this [censored censored censored censored] firggin' light a cigar up??
Any more trips like that, and I told the mother unit I will quit. I have to know what my stress triggers are, and those train trips are definitely one of them.
Blegh. I'm going to turn on Winamp and see if I can fic now.
Kit. Questions. Inside entry.
2 sighs / Breathe here
(9:58 a.m.) [link]
I stand corrected.
No, not about the blog definition. ABout the incident concerning the greymatter support site.
Foshdawg was kind enough to explain the incident here.
All I can say is, it's still a blow to a once friendly community.
3 sighs / Breathe here
(8:52 a.m.) [link]
Because Raine asked, here's the definition according to The Bloggies.
"For this contest, a "weblog" is a page with dated entries that has a purpose (in whole or in part) of linking to other sites. For instance, sites that are intended to be just personal journals or site news pages were not eligible."
Of course, we all know that nobody is a real authority on this andif you want to call your journal a blog, then you damn well can go ahead and call it that. Personally, I prefer calling it a journal simply because I find that to have a deeper meaning, and "blog" is just too trendy for me.
$0.02
Now please pray for my (im?)mortal. I go to class today.
breathless / Breathe here
Monday, February 11, 2002
(10:42 p.m.) [link]
As I'm sure a lot of you might/might not know, my journal (as I was informed a weblog is tee totally different) is powered by Greymatter. It's a wonderful program and I can't imagine life without it.
Unfortunately, Noah Grey, the original programmer, hasn't worked on the program itself in over 2 years, I believe. He was burned out, and I don't blame him. However, there was a very lively, intelligent, and all around helpful group of people who did work on it. Chief among them was one Indigo Meridan, who went so far as to offer web hosting with greymatter preinstalled in the accounts. He was kind enough to send me a revamped version of it that included an extra text field to use as I wanted (which I plan to for fic archives).
Sadly, Indigo has closed down the support site. See, for all that he was willing to work on the program, people still demanded more. And these demands were usually rude. Not to mention the fact that, in his own words, 80-90% of all questions asked could have been answered if these people had just taken time to read the instruction manual.
I don't know what singular incident forced Indigo to quit. Probably it was a buildup of things (I would frequent the baords and I saw what he would go through). In the end, thanks to collective stupidity, another helpful site run by a nice person is closed down.
I still say we're already in the handbasket. I'm just waiting for the big foot to push us off into hell.
2 sighs / Breathe here
(10:32 p.m.) [link]
::plays Taps for Kit's dead earphones::
And just because I can... a translation of "Suteki Da Ne". The ending theme for FFX.
1 sigh / Breathe here
(6:18 p.m.) [link]
Contrary to popular belief, Cowboy Bebop music, while very nice to listen to, is not conducive to fic writing. Especially if one has just watched both Jupiter Jazz eps and plays "Call me Call me".
I'm still waiting for someone to make it illegal to kill pretty, transexual bishounen.
Actually, killing off any bishounen that doesn't make one hate their guts outright should be illegal.
::coughcoughMurakicoughcough::
1 sigh / Breathe here
Sunday, February 10, 2002
(4:37 p.m.) [link]
I'd like to know how in the hell this woman talked me into going to a beginning pascal class? I never had any intention of taking pascal. I don't like pascal unless there's some strange use for it on the web that I'm as yet unaware of. I'm not the one with the crush on the prof, she is. So why the hell am I going???
I told her, however, that if the stress of getting on those metro trains to get there proves to be to much [read: the bloody visions occur with frightening regularity, and I'm channeling Mo`re a bit too much for my liking], then I will drop.
I don't want to take Pascal, I want Perl..
BTW, thanks for the lyrics, Kit. Do you know if there's any other songs similar to that on off Bebop?
I'm going to start on a fic sometime today. FFX. Yaoi. I just hope I will be able to finish it. And finish that damn WK fic, too.
...is there a point to a Mary Sue? Or is it just someone's daydream hidden behind the guise of a fic? Sorry, idle thought after glancing at the Yu-Gi-Oh section and finding over half the fics there are MS's.
No lovely streams of thought or fic bits today. Try again tomorrow.
3 sighs / Breathe here
(4:29 p.m.) [link]
Just for the record, I'd like to say there's nothing quite as humourous as watching your mother try and fix the cold water faucet in the kitchen, turn it on, and said faucet knob shoots up into the air while the water drenches her and the ceiling, looking like a small version of old faithful.
breathless / Breathe here
Saturday, February 9, 2002
(7:34 p.m.) [link]
SNAFU.
That, and there's a Cowboy Bebop song I like almost as much as my FFX, Gravi, and PSME music.
Maybe because it reminds me of those early 90s ballads I used to love so much.
...now if I can just find lyrics.
"Call me Call me" in case anyone knows ::coughcoughcKitcoughcough::
So...
SNAFU
1 sigh / Breathe here
Thursday, February 7, 2002
(6:58 p.m.) [link]
...I should not fall in love with a CD. It's just unnatural.
That being said, I have done just that. The FFX OST (not that domestic one disc thing, but the original four disc release with digicube on the CD).
Unfortunately, if anyone's thinking of getting it, I can only recommend one get it from Animenation and just be patient. They seem to get it direct iimport, so it will take longer. Otherwise, no telling what you'll get somewhere else.
And whatever you do, do NOT order it from Toys n' Joys. Ki did and it turned out to be an Everanime CD, which is not the genuine article (that will have digicube on it).
There's so many songs on here I like, I don't know where to begin. I'd like to offer them as mp3s, but don't know what that will do to my bandwidth. Well, if anyone's interested, I could go ahead and try.
I'm on disc two, so please excuse me as I immerse myself.
breathless / Breathe here
Wednesday, February 6, 2002
(6:57 p.m.) [link]
I don't know if I want to post streaming conscious or fic snippets.
Then I wonder why post at all? I wonder who do I post for.
Small voice said myself. Always myself.
So why the need to try and connect with others?
Because, my memory said, humans are born with only one wing, and yearn to fly.
::sigh::
That explains why I'm so earthbound.
I had waking dream. A soul standing on a cliff over violent waters. A figure with both genders and all races, though the moonlight reflected off pale skin.
Do not ask me how I know, I just do.
And this figure bore a male face, but no man's face was ever that beautiful. If such a thing as angels were to exist, then this figure was given their voice. They sang with that voice out to the water. There was no answer at first, but the song remained, never faltering, reaching to the sea, offering to the stars...
...praying to the moon.
And they answered back. Haunting sounds, soul... mending harmony. They gave back to the voie, entangled their notes and weaved them into the song. Pure tones flowed and crashed against the waves, growing in intensity, yet never in volume.
Maybe I never heard this song, maybe I just felt it. That's enough.
And it faded, waning moon song that goes silent until rebirth.
And it will reach it's crest again.
I'll just dream, of the figure on the cliff, over violent waters, calling to the voices, the souls of forver.
breathless / Breathe here
Tuesday, February 5, 2002
(6:34 p.m.) [link]
The following is a piece of streaming fiction that probably has no point. You've been warned.
"Vicarious existance is beneath you."
"And your bothering me with this obvious point because...?"
Always a ready retort. That's why I li... admire you so much.
"Because I respect you."
"You have a funny way of showing it. I'd hate to think what you'd do if you actually liked me."
I could think of a few things, but I respect you too much...
"Why?"
"None of your concern."
"I think it is."
"Leave me alone. Is it so wrong? Everyone else can have the experience. I can't! So let me have this. I know it's a waste of time, but it's mine. Leave me to it."
"What is it you're trying to immerse yourself in? What? Make me understand, because I don't. You who can have the whole world at your fingertips. You who can have power beyond those beautiful dreams of yours. What could be so attractive that you lower yourself to this?"
"...they love each other. It's almost blinding how much."
"...love? Is that why?"
"Why so condescending? You think I don't deserve it?"
"More like you don't need it. Creatures such as you and I don't need such frivolous emotional... meanderings."
"How verrbose. And I never claimed to need it, but I want it."
"...."
"Get out. You could never understand."
"Then make me."
"Why?"
"Because I want to."
"...you want to understand love?"
How to answer that? I can't, really. It's not the right question.
So I'll answer the other question, the one you should have asked instead...
...don't look so startled. I've always wanted to hold you like this. To share your warmth. To try and capture that innocence you think you buried. Silly, you could no more hide that than I could my own nature.
Your eyes, they'll always give you away. But it's not your eyes I want to see right now. I don't want to see anything.
Just feel...
...feel the heat from parted lips. Taste that which is so forbidden I should be executed on the spot for my crime. Take that which you don't even know you're offering, and make it mine.
"No," I say. "I just want to understand you."
breathless / Breathe here
Monday, February 4, 2002
(6:12 p.m.) [link]
I hate people. Especially hypocritical people who refuse to see things from anyone else's perspective. This type of person seems to thrive in MLs, though.
How many times do I have to hear the same argument again and again? And a pointless argument at that. A lot of anime is now on DVD format and you have an option of watching sub or dub. Why the fuck are people still complaining? Am I holding a gun to their head and making them watch a dub? No. First off, it's too many people to try doing that too, and second, bullets are too expensive to waste like that.
I'm pissed and bitter because as time goes on, people are becoming more and more intolerant to little petty shit, let alone big, massive things. If people can't simple let others be happy being dubbies, this whole race and gender thing will never get resolved. Ever.
The world is in the handbasket, and it's a one way trip, lovers.
But my line ends with me, because no way I'd bring a child into this and make them suffer.
breathless / Breathe here
(6:01 p.m.) [link]
Kit: Don't worry about it. Considering you don't have to do it in the first place, I'm very appreciate of any effort. And BTW, besides Asian snack foods, what else would be an interesting find at an Asian marketplace? I like odds-n-ends (even if my room is spilling over with them already). And which places do you frequent? Maybe I'll hop a bus and go to one.
::sigh:: I was going to sit down and write. I'd been feeling off all day long, getting a few lines out here and there, but alas, that idea is shot down. Even as I type, the bastards downstairs have their stereo blasting and it's shaking my chair, along with the noise level being ridiculous. I can't write. I have Gravitation music blaring out my own (small) speakers just to drown as much of their noise out. But I hate loud music period unless Im listening to it through headphones, so really, all I can do is complain about this here.
We are taught (supposedly) at a young age that it is wrong, wicked, evil even, to wish for another person's death, no matter how much they've wronged us. So I do not wish for death, but their deaths would, admittedly, bring me much joy.
I never claimed to be a nice person, and I sure as hell ain't all that religious. You spend over five years in this hellhole and you'd be lucky if your sanity remained half as much intact, trust me.
Question, did anyone try the link to David's music? Or did it scroll off too fast?
1 sigh / Breathe here
(10:25 a.m.) [link]
Opinions are great. They're free to have and everybody can get (and usually has) one.
Opinions about how bad hte WK dubs are that degenerate into bashing of dubs in general are redundant, overdone, and rehashed by insensitive critical people who have nothing new to add to a very old argument.
And yet they tell me to quit reading the messages that fill up my box every single day.
Here's a hint, I'll quit reading, and you quit posting.
Unless it's something new to be said, I've heard it all before.
Fuck it, I like dubs and I will not be forced to bow my head so the vast majority can go on and on about how much dubs suck.
You know what sucks? Narrowminded people who don't allow for any other opinion, that sucks.
Too bad that type seems to be a majority, and more often than not, in positions of power.
breathless / Breathe here
Saturday, February 2, 2002
(3:52 p.m.) [link]
"Please Save My Earth" music + "Gravitation" music + "Outlaw Star" music = overstimulated muses that won't shut up and insist I creat an outlet for them.
Now the little buggers wake up when I'm trying to work on a program interface (the original sucked dead goat nuts). Damn things.
Oh yeah, registration for Yaoicon 2002 is now open. Anyone old enough to go, going?
1 sigh / Breathe here
Friday, February 1, 2002
(5:02 p.m.) [link]
Spirit of Fire
The only reason I did this (as compared to not doing to many of the other web tests and posting the results) is simple.
I like the artwork.
Of course I already knew which spirit I was, but still... I really like the art.
Now if anyone wonders why I keep such a blue/cool site theme and colorscape, that's simple too. Balance.
breathless / Breathe here
(11:45 a.m.) [link]
First off, before I begin my usual "what sucks today" rant, couple of comments.
Amber: I'm on a kind of societal retreat, which included backing off the net, a lot. I just closed Rara completely and I'm looking for a new caretaker for The Sanctuary right now. I'll probably resurrect Rara in some other form later, but right now, I felt I had to lessen contact before I did something someone else would regret (because I have no conscience and regret nothing). But I'm still around in some form or another. Maybe I'll get back on AIM like I used to one of these days.
Kit: Yes, you are an elitist snob when it comes to the sub/dub issue, but it's okay since you're able to freely admit this. I'll freely admit to my own faults... when I can find enough paper to list them all on.
Now then, I realize I didn't post yesterday... and I don't feel bad about it. If I make myself post when I don't want to or when I don't have to, then it makes this into a chore. When it becomes that, I'll stop again.
Fact is I was halfway busy, halfway vegetating. M'brother made some more songs and wanted me to burn them all onto one CD, which I did. Also stuck them up on a site in case anyone else was interested. There's two versions to the site because the first is incredibly browser specific. http://www.yaoiville.net/nomadic/ is the spiffy but demanding page, while http://www.yaoiville.net/nomadic/index2.htm is a plain page with just the song titles as links. The links go directly to an mp3 file, so if you don't want it to play auto, you'll have to right click or whatever you'd do on your browser and save target...
...you get the idea.
Another thing I did was add a little mod to this place, so now the comment form will remember the info so you don't have to fill it out every time (unless you get rid of your cookies). Next up on stupid site tricks, have the background color of the commetns alternate. I don't know why, since there's not that many comments, but just something to do.
I have things I should be doing, but it's hard to focus during ragtime. Yes, unfortunately, I'm still on it. You'd think someone would have found a cure. And don't give me that "it's natural" crap. Humans have already proven they can and will circumvent nature to their own detriment anyway, so why not?
Right now I'm listening to Gravi music and a part of me wants to write, but I'm going to save it for later. I'm afraid if I wrote now it'd be depressing and I don't want to write angst... without a happy ending.
Emotionally I feel fine, more or less. I'm supposed to go to an appt but our shower's broken and I refue to leave this apartment without one. Sponge baths might have worked back in the day, but it's not enough for me, thankyouverymuch. That's just so I can stand leaving my room and walking around my family.
Now I know, a working shower is a necessity in my life. Trust me, not everyone feels that way. Scary thought.
breathless / Breathe here
