Monday, December 24, 2001

(3:40 p.m.) [link]

(Warning, gratuitous use of the word "fuck" ahead)

When's the last time I used this thing? I don't know. I don't really care. It had become a chore than and I didn't want to do something if it was a chore.

But I'm back. So obviously something has or is going on that is compelling me to put finger to keyboard and type it out once more.

Too bad it's not something good. No, couldn't be good, could it. Had to be something this side of depressing... suicidal, homicidal.

It's Christmas Eve. That in and of itself isn't a bad thing. No, it's what one person did to me throught this entire month. A person I thought would be better than that. But of course as always, I can't go back and tell her she royally fucked me over, because 1: I'm "the good child". I'm not suppose to do anything to cause her any more fucking stress. 2: It would cause some stress and with my luck, she'd just kill over or blow her brains out.

So I'm left to sit here and simmer as all my plans for Xmas get screwed and fucked over. But it's for the good of the house... we need to keep food in here... she does so much... the directTV cost more than she thought...

So now I'm looking at not only a possible overdraft, but loss of my cable internet connection. If that goes, I'm going to have to wait until I get paid next month, then shell out who knows what and suffer with dial-up.

This is it. I don't care. She made me open up something I had planned to give as a gift so she could get some. Bri came in asking for something else I was going to give... She's getting praised about decorating the tree as if she did it all by herself. (Hello, I did the same thing, and I mean everything, from lights to decs to icicles, everything. All she did was the ormnaments and icicles, and there wasn't much of either one this year.) I don't care. Let them have everything. I quit. I don't care. I couldn't care if the damn thing sets on fire... I won't run out. Let it burn. Let me burn. Let me have a break.

I had plans, you see. Nice plans on what I was going to give. I was going to send things out that I've been wanting to send for a long time. I was going to give my brother and sister a nice basket with handpicked items that I know they requested. I had plans...

But did she care? Does she care?

I wanted to go to the mall early in the month. First she screws up the ride we paid for, then when I accept the fact I'm going by bus, she forgets the day we're supposed to go and...

Fuck it, I'll go to my own doctor's appointment. I don't need her, I don't want her.

I just want her to leave me alone.

breathless / Breathe here

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