"Oh yeah, I want to go back to school to get the hell out of here."
11 / 29 / 05
distressed
Yes, yes, another family whine. Run if you want. I just need to vent before I shoot them.
Here's what I don't understand about my family. They keep getting on my case about being such a hard-ass and how I should be more compassionate, yet never does it once seem to enter their addled brains that it's an extreme lack of compassion that has shaped me into being who I am.
Yesterday the S-unit brings over her step-sister and shows her the place, who in turn asks me how is it, and I shake my head because it's not that great. I also point out the B-unit agreed, only for him to turn around and say no, it's fine. Then the S-unit goes on to say how, well, the oldest in the house should benefit the most, meaning the M-unit.
I've never had a quiet room, period. The old apartments were noisy. The last place, noisy. All I've ever wanted, however, was enough space for my things, and I can't even get that now, but oh, don't listen to her, (my sister's words exactly). Nevermind I haven't exercised since we got here and I have to sell my treadmill. Either that, or I keep it outside and walk in the patio, which is uncovered and can be seen by anyone on the surrounding second floor balconies. And nevermind the whole purpose for my brother to get the bigger room was to get his stuff out of storage, which is currently still in there. (Not to mention upon realising that I don't have any room for the few things I also have in storage, well, let's split the storage between just me and the M-unit instead since his stuff won't be in there anymore. I at least was able to veto that for the time being.)
Then today, I've added up that I've been forced to loan out a grand total of $380 dollars in November. But $100 of that I'm not going to get back right away. To boot, M-unit has to nerve to ask me what was the 200 she borrowed today for. Upon answering her questions with questions, I find that things I want to spend my own money on are still considered a waste in her eyes. ("Why do you want to know?" "I'm curious." "Why do you need to know, and is it going to delay paying me back?" "No, I'm just nosey, though I may give you a funny look." "Then there's no reason for you to know if that's the case.")
And finally, just now, I'm asked for an additional $20 for the S-unit to borrow. I agreed only if she signed a promissory note. But no, the M-unit gives her the money anyway, (I was typing up the note, mind you, and didn't know they had left). Then I'm told that "I wish you would have more compassion for her situation. I know she'll pay you back." Then upon my pointing out that 1. her getting haed-assed with the S-unit doesn't amount to much, and 2. compassion has no place in business, and will get you screwed over, the M-unit gets huffy and says she'll sign it and I can, "take her to court instead."
(To add fuel to this fire, anyone remember this month and this month in my life? M-unit has the nerve to say S-unit feels like "we dissed her" for making her move out. Considering the hell I was going through, I honestly don't give a flying rat's mutated nut how she feels about that time.)
Dearest family ... you know what, fuck off. I don't need this bullshit. You all cry me a river with your problems, but don't give a damn about any of mine, and then wonder why I don't talk to you about them. Depressed? Oh yes, I have been, to the point of tears within the last two weeks alone. Suicidal? Sure, been there. Think you know any of this? Course you don't. Why should I even bother telling you?
The only thing I've ever heard on the few occasions I've admitted to either problem was "don't be depressed" and "I'd go nuts if you killed yourself." Note the egocentric nature of the latter comment.
I'm going to work my ass off with this online uni thing, because so help me, if I get away, you will not have to worry about hearing from me again. And if I die old and alone with only a cat for company, so be it. Because family isn't worth a hill of beans at this point. You only cry about being together when it's your problems, but I'm on my own each and every time with mine.
Oh, unless it comes to helping me get a better income. I'll grant you that one time, but wasn't that more for your own sake than mine?
I'm forced to wonder.
Sorry, spammers forced my hand. Comments reviewed before being published.
still winds
