"If I don't want to connect, then my wishes should be respected"
01 / 09 / 05
indescribable
I don't understand, but I don't feel I was wrong. Still, opinions on this are highly welcomed.
Remember back here when I mentioned my sperm-donor passed away? Well mom managed to get in contact with an uncle, who gave her the number to my "siblings." Now first off, I cannot and will not see these people as "brothers and sisters," simply because I'm almost thirty, and I did not grow up or around them. I didn't know about any of them until I was in my mid twenties. So I don't feel any familial bonds. Those kinds of bonds have to be formed and maintained as a child, I think. I don't believe I should be expect to somehow magically have any sort of emotion based on what is relatively an accident of genetics. I could have been related to anyone in the world. Fate just dealt the dna as it did.
So it was with some not-so-slight irritation that I found myself talking to a sibling, who kept insisting that my "brothers and sisters" should get together and talk or what have you. As I tried to explain to him, I'm a difficult person to get to know. Plus, I have a deep love affair with my computer. My hobbies are on it. My work is on it. My social circles are on it. And I don't feel like changing any of that. So it stands to reason that I only leave it when it's necessary. Going to meet a group of strangers doesn't fall into that category.
It gets worse. On the initial call on Saturday, I really only wanted to know when and where the service would be held. I wasn't given that info. I don't think he had the info. I don't know if the man even had insurance or what was going on. Second, I felt it necessary, (even though I was certain they already knew), to tell him of my name change. Not only did they know, but he said something along the lines of "needing to talk about that." Excuse me? That's not a topic open for discussion. And not like I'm changing it back for anyone. When I tried to explain my reasons why, in that I didn't feel I owed the sperm-donor that much allegience or honour, I'm told, "it's not about him, it's about family."
My family consists of four entities. My mother, her son, her youngest daughter, and my computer. I plan on keeping it that way.
So he's constantly trying to get me to come over Saturday to "hang out with the other kids." (Needless to say I don't like that term, because 1. I'm not a kid; and 2. I'm not the sperm-donor's kid.) I tell him call me today.
Cut to today, when he calls in the morning and asked if I wanted to "ride" with him to go tell another sibling, because she doesn't know, and they don't have her phone number. I know she lives a bit aways from me, but I'm willing, more or less. However, while they tend to know each other to a certain degree, I don't know any of them, and vice-versus. So I ask if my mother, who knows more about that family than I do anyway, can come along. She was even willing to bring a cake along.
Here's the first sign of trouble, (if you don't count that remark about discussing my name). First he said, "well I was really just expecting us kids." Then he implies there might be a room issue. Ah, but I didn't have all the info before...
I told him I'm available for the afternoon, but I want to be back by six. We agree for 1pm, and I tell him to call me before he leaves. Well, he calls at 1:40, blithely asking if I'm ready. I inform him that he's in fact late, to which I get the glib excuse of his running a little late. (A little late is 10-15, not 40.) And then the bomb drops, because I'm told I'm being picked up, the other sib is being picked up, and we're going to freaking San Bernadino. And for those who have no idea what that means, suffice it to say it's an hour to an hour and a half ride away from my current location, depending on traffic. Well, it's Sunday, it's wet, and Cali drivers don't know how to drive in the rain. I'm guessing it would take the ninety minutes.
So instead of a simple ride to inform another sibling, as I was led to believe, I'm now told that I'm to be taken to SB, just to hang out with these other sibs. I asked again about mom coming along, and was told about the space issue in the car. But wait, if I'm being picked up, and just one other sibling, then if we add mom, that should only be four people.
Is it smelling fishy, yet?
Add to this that it's already been indicated that certain parties want to "discuss" my name change, and the overall feeling of trying to get me way out somewhere alone, and it has all the makings for some serious disaster. In short, it smelt like a supreme set-up, and I didn't go. He claims he doesn't understand the problem if he'll have me back before five. By this time it's 1:50. You're going to get me, get someone else, go on a ninety minute ride one way, hang out, come back the same ninety minutes, and have me in by six? What would we do, hang out for five minutes?
I don't think I was wrong, and when she heard about the line of needing to discuss my name change, mom was glad I didn't go either. I'm probably being called a snobbish bitch, but that has al the impact of tossing a dead flea at me. But what's general consensus? Should I have handled it better?
Sorry, spammers forced my hand. Comments reviewed before being published.
Comments: 6 winds
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I think you handled it perfectly! That's what I would have done, too, I believe, if I were in the same situation. It does sound like a big set up and it probably would not have ended well had you gone. *big hugs* and I hope they don't try to corner you like that again.
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...Okay. They want to take you to somewhere an hour and a half away, talk for maybe an hour, they don't want you to bring your mom when there's going to be enough room in the car anyway, and they have the gall to hint that they want to discuss a name change?!?! When, as far as I know, the man hardly if ever even tried to be what's known as a father figure to you?"
Fuck no, you shouldn't have done anything differently. In fact, those people need to get their heads out of their asses. He didn't act like a father to you, he doesn't deserve the honor of giving his last name to you. They have no right to "talk about" your name change; it's your business, your decision, your money, and your name. They need to keep their stupid noses out of it.
...okay. Anyway, that's my opinion. You did fine, and to be honest, I think you handled it well, considering some people were trying to get you cornered in the name of "family".
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Wow. I think I'd have been ruder than you. *blink*
He's either screwing with you or one hell of a bad planner and not telling you everything. I'd flat out inform him that I didn't feel we were related, and hang up, next time he tried contacting me, if I were in that situation. That's just creepy and hitting all the wrong buttons.
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I think you absolutely did the right thing - there's no reason to have to accept people into your life just because there's some common element in your past.
And about your name. WTF? It's YOUR NAME. It can be whatever you want it to be and other people really need to learn to respect that. I would not have been so polite about it (says she who walked off a decent-paying job because the boss would not call her by her preferred name).
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Fuck 'em. Family isn't about genetics, and they sound like assholes, anyway.
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Feh, jerks. I'm with Koshi.
( 5:11 pm )