"I don't like one-way streets"
07 / 25 / 04
distressed
My matriachal-unit has decided to try her hand at selling lunch combos to nearby residents and people who work in the hospital across the way, (where my aunt happens to work as well). She wants to deliver sandwiches to the hospital employees during the week, then do burger (and taco) combos on the weekend. This is fine in and of itself, and her experimental trial as of yesterday earned her some money on a day when the locals aren't known for having any on hand.
The downside to all of this falls on my part in the whole scheme of things. I've never wanted to work in the fastfood industry. I've entertained thought of selling candy, cakes, and pastries, but nothing beyond that, because I don't like to cook outside of those types of foods. However, my brother is hopeless in the kitchen, period. His greatest culinary achievement is making himself some instant ramen. My sister, if she were to come over here, would complain about being on her feet all the time. (Like I'm not overweight myself, but at least I'm trying to fix that.) Plus, because of her ample size, she's too big for mom to work around in the annoyingly tiny cubbyhole we pretend is a kitchen. So who does it fall to whenever mom says, "I need extra hands." Of course, the dutiful one.
This irks me in so many ways I can't even list them all down. But the most irritating is the fact that I'm once again forced to support another member of the family, when it's been proven time and time again that I get nothing by way of that same support in return. I'm so damn tired of hearing about her hopes and aspirations for my brother's musical career. (At least I think she's wised up and stopped asking me to look online for grants he can apply to.) Now I'm suppose to help her cook, nevermind what I may have been working on for myself, because that's how it always goes. When it comes to anything I'd want to do, I'm on my own. She'll claim she offers emotional support at the very least, but if that's her idea of support, I'd get better with a fresh pair of Fruit-of-the-Loom for women.
So I have this. I'm supposed to help her. Where's my help? Where's the same willingness to make calls on my behalf or look into something for me to further explore? Where's the looking for some kind of financial help so I too can go back to school, especially this school.
All yesterday afternoon I was in a hot kitchen helping to prepare food for people I wouldn't give two dead meerkats to, thus in turn preventing me from working on more background tiles to add to my Bryony site.
I've gotten more encouragement about my walking from online than from her. In fact she continues to hinder me by offering me food when I don't want or need it.
Yet, because of my financial situation, I'm stuck. I just don't earn enough to be able to support myself alone. And now with the threat of the rent being increased, even my own ideas for any small business ventures I may have will again have to wait. Another mark against her, because it seems all my ideas for such possible side income are again things I'm on my own in doing.
I can't wait to see what happens on the 18th. I used to want to go to a real Hawaiian barbeque, with the roast pig and everything. I first asked for this when I was somewhere in my late teens. I'm going to be 29, and I've yet to experience this. She keeps saying she will, she will, but now I'm past the point of concern. There's been too many broken promises for me to be able to say I can completely believe her anymore.
And it's also why I tend not to make promises. I know how easily they can be broken, so I'd rather say "I'll try" and have room for error, than "I'll do" and just look completely unreliable.
It still happens, because I have a horrible memory. I get so many things going on, and I honestly forget. So sometimes I need to be reminded. I don't like that about myself, and I do try to change/avoid it, but it still comes up irregardless.
But this is different. She's different. And I'm just so tired of it. I can understand, as Kit pointed out last night, that it's probably not intentional on her part. But it just doesn't change the end results.
I'm tired of being a crutch, because it's always leaned on, but can never stand on its own.
Sorry, spammers forced my hand. Comments reviewed before being published.
still winds
