Wednesday, February 22, 2006
(9:16 pm PT) - Semantics should not come into question with money
[link] - (numb)
"He's getting a little check soon, so he can pay you back."
As told to me tonight after I asked how much the books cost. ($80):
"He's getting a little check soon, so he can start paying you back."
Aaaah ha ha ha... February, please to be [censored] now, thanks.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
(6:56 pm PT) - numb - 3; LN - 2; root canal - 5; pain from cavity - 0
[link] - (numb)
Finally, the worst of my teeth is fixed. Eventually I can stop taking motrin like vitamins. Sure, I still have a couple small cavities left, but that's nothing. Worst part about the visits to this one is the initial shot.
Of course, for the RC, I needed 4 shots. So now as the M-unit and I both agree, I look a bit like a stroke victim. (No offense to any who have had one.)
Eventually this will wear off, and I can stop getting grains of rice stuck up there.
Phew.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
(5:27 pm PT) - The pain... the pain
[link] - (numb)
I finally asked her, "When did you get the computer?"
My aunt talks slow. She drawls a lot, and pauses constantly. So the answer took about six more minutes off my life as she told me it's about 5 years old.
She's trying to use Norton Internet Security 2004.
Finally I told her that the probable cause of the whole she-bang is the comp is too old to handle the software.
All this... over an hour. With a woman who takes five minutes for a 3-4 word sentence.
Shoot me. Shoot me right now. And make sure it's fatal.
And I need a suicidal mood icon.
Saturday, July 10, 2004
(11:02 am PT) - Le sigh
[link] - (numb)
Currently looking into HostforWeb. They answered a few pre-sales question rather quickly, but you just never know until something actually goes wrong and then you need tech support.
In truth, I'd stay here, except Support is trangely quiet, and they haven't been charging my account. So either the company will go belly up at any given moment, or they'll see that they haven't charged me, and try to sock me with a whammy bill. Either way, I'd be in the doghouse, so better to move now.
I'm waiting to hear from Exovian about cancelling my account, (and giving my money back) before I sign up for HfW. If anyone has any other webhost suggestions, feel free. Only things I really ask for are: Mature content (not necessarily porn), Perl, PHP, mySQL, subdomains, ftp, Cpanel. A healthy number of POP3 emails would be nice, but I'll take what I can get there.
Now to go fight with WinMX, which suddenly doesn't want to work. And right when I'm in the mood for some modern Celtic music.
Thursday, June 12, 2003
(9:38 pm PT) - Tired...
[link] - (numb)
This always leads to broken thoughts, and there's no mental glue.
Anger unfortunately always leads to depression. The adrenaline crashes, and you wonder if anyone will speak up for you and not always against you, but ultimately there is a dissappointment, because the numbers never will balance.
Does this say I'm wrong? I don't think so, as it's a proven fact that a spoiled brat will make more noise when you tell them no.
...on a random note, if anyone ever wondered what anime crossed over with an Archie comic might look like, look at Kikaider. Though why you'd wonder such a thing is beyond me.
Family is the strangest creature alive. I'm still trying to figure it out, but I seem to fail in my understanding time and again. Of course it doesn't help that most of my family are greedy, self-centered pirate leechers. Only two I get along with, but it doesn't stop me from trying to understand. It just frustrates me because they don't do the same.
I must get spirits up, and prepare for a new bundle of joy to arrive...
...after a long wait, a new comp. Not a Dell, but for the perks I'm getting, I don't think it's that bad.
But sadly, it's a material possession, and hardly anything to help a scarred spirit.
Little wonder why I am afraid of having kids. While I would do my level best in raising them to be at the very least, an intelligent, rational, considerate person, at the same time this world does it's worst to that very type of person.
By rights, my child would have every reason to hate me for bringing them into this hellhole. And if they did, I wouldn't blame them.
I don't really need to hear about the so called war. I can listen to the gunshots just a few blocks away. There's no need to send people off to die when they're falling all around me. What about the security there, sir?
After a time I grew so numb to the constant violence surrounding me that the sounds became almost musical and haunting. Did each burst represent another death, or did the sickle just miss. Did Death pass someone over, coming close enough just to remind them of its existance?
Billions of people in the world, and yet it's even easier to feel utterly alone.
So what's the answer? Escape and all forms thereof doesn't solve it, because you simply cannot remain in whatever state it is you manage to run away to forever. (If you could, do you think I'd be here right now?)
I suppose I'll sit here and what the thoughts fall, some catching light from the shattered prism.
Thursday, March 06, 2003
(8:02 pm PT) - Hell, nature sucks.
[link] - (numb)
I'm still terrified every single time it happens.
As children I believe, either consciously or subconsciously, that we feel our parents (if we have a decent relationship with them) are immortal. We don't or can't understand that eventually, in the in natural scheme of things, they are going to leave us one day. And if we have children, we will leave them.
I don't want children. I don't want them to suffer this fear. I understand about death, and I don't fear it for myself, but being the offspring and seeing the person who once stood on par with Zeus or Hera showing those signs of mortality? Yes, I'm afraid.
Logically, I can accept this. I knew it would happen after my grandmother passed, who was also a great pillar of strength. I missed her terribly, but I healed. And I knew.
Logic never communicates with the heart, though. It's the equivalent of waiting for a 100+ meg avi file through 56k dial-up.
I'm also selfish, because I fear when she goes, I'm going to lose an integral part of myself. Shallow, I know, yet honest.
The irrational part of me wants to rage at the unfairness of it all, but it's the order of life. As bad as I know I'm going to feel, and perhaps even wishing I could go first, I can't imagine the pain of a parent losing a child, because that isn't natural.
Still, I don't want kids. I don't want them to see as I travel my own mortal coil. Not for any conceit, but just because I don't want to imagine them sitting at their comp with the same soul-numbing anxiety I have right now.
Shit. I hate attachments.
Thursday, February 06, 2003
(3:40 pm PT) - Now for something lighter...
[link] - (numb)
I was trying to grow a rock crystal salt garden (or whatever it's called) some days ago. I now know I have a truly black thumb. Oh, it grew alright. But instead of growing on the sponge, it's now climbing over the rim of the bowl and spilling onto the paper plate underneath. I have no doubt that this thing will come alive and consume us as we sleep one of these nights.
Damn you, Kit. Damn you to highest heaven...
...and thank you.
There's a new series coming soon to Cartoon Network's anime Adult Swim. It's from the creators of Aeon Flux. (I knew this as soon as I saw the style of animation). I'm so ready. I must see it.
Currently d/ling WR5. It will be in your streamload when I'm through, Ki.
I think that's it.... I think. Should be. I need to quit while I'm ahead...
Tuesday, December 24, 2002
(8:05 pm PT) - .....
[link] - (numb)
Hell, I can't even move out the way I fucking want to.
If Friday's a wash for either of you, then Raine, I'm sorry, but it looks like I won't get to meet you after all. Kit, whenever you can if only so I can give you your gift.
Please excuse me now, there's a bottle of Bacardi limon that I'm going to go kill off, and fuck anyone who gets on my ass about drinking too much.
Saturday, December 21, 2002
(9:51 pm PT) - And napalm in a pear tree
[link] - (numb)
Mom had the nerve to ask me two distinctly annoying questions. The first one being could we do a post Xmas. Short and sweet answer, no. Elongated, infuriated answer, fuck no. I only gave her the short and sweet one. The second question, could she make it up to me. Short answer, money. Long answer, I think at least a year away from her might cool me down enough to consider it.
Again, I only gave the short answer.
I love her, but I don't think I can forgive this one. And before anyone goes on and on about the commercialism of Xmas, (or even it being for kids which is bull far as I'm convern), been there, done that, I know all about it. Xmas isn't what the corporations make it out to be unless you listen to them. Frankly, I haven't gone up to a man in a fat red suit in years. And I don't like just buying gifts, I prefer making them in some fashion. I'm not giving them because I think the person deserves it or not, I'm giving them because I want to let them know that I'm grateful for knowing them and having them in my life. (Yes, I know I can do this any time of year, but you have to admit, the bigger sales happen around now... it's a joke, yes, really.)
Xmas to me is sitting up around midnight watching the lights flicker in the branches, pretending I have faeries in my home who are seeking shelter from the rain.
Xmas to me is sitting back with a cup of coco while I try to figure out what color ribbon matches someone's personality, and how special can I make them feel just with the little extra touches.
Xmas to me is sharing eggnog with family and joking about Xmas pasts that were amuzing.
Xmas is listening to the rest of the world sleep and wondering if that's the peace everyone is seeking, and feeling grateful to know it in the wee hours of the morning.
And it's all these things that she's caused me to lose because she wanted to be a nice guy and bail people out who by all rights could have avoided the whole great heapping BS in the first place. They caused their own problems, why do I have to save their asses?
(And once more, she went over our head. Even though brother pays the rent (she pays utilities), and even though my name's on the lease, we have absolutely no say as to who comes and goes. If we did, Marlon would not have moved in as soon as he did. That was way too fast for anyone's sake.)
If she were living alone, she could do as she please, but not once, not once did she stop and think what her actions were going to do to anyone else.
If she wants to stress herself out, she can go right on and do it. She's not dragging me down with her, though. Not anymore.
No, I can't say I'll be able to forgive any time soon. Not on this.
