Sunday, March 26, 2006
(12:41 am PT) - Bday?
[link] - (confused)
Truth, I knew it was coming and meant to ask if there might be something I could send over your way. Well, I'm asking now, it'll just be--you know--late.
Weird, you're not in the country. Surreal...
Sunday, October 09, 2005
(9:59 pm PT) - I can't decide...
[link] - (confused)
Monday, February 09, 2004
(12:56 pm PT) - Unh
[link] - (confused)
I keep looking at the layout thinking, "I should change this." But at the same time, it's so comfortable. I mean, since it's been here, I've only had two idiots show up. All in all, this place really feels like home to me, or as close as one can get to that feeling while on the 'net.
So change? Naw, not here.
Not really much to say. Been trying to work on a fic, but for some reason, I got Marron to a psychotic break, then the muse keeled over, and I don't know what to do.
Speaking of SH, I got vol. 5 and 9 in my hot, grubby hands. Yet for some reason, those stories that had Marron in them the most irked me. I can't pinpoint why, and I went into more detail over at SHyaoi
I should really start posting all my fic snippets, least in my LJ or fic LJ. I need help finding directin with a lot of them. ::thinks on it:: Not sure who'd be interested, though. And I jump track a lot.
Kit, I haven't forgotten, I still want to finish that piece we started with Vii and Kaligo. Tell me when's a good time for you.
That's it for the moment. I'm being called to help with LoI, so I think I'll just forget for a bit and ogle a Belmont.
Thursday, December 25, 2003
(9:35 am PT) - Ah well
[link] - (confused)
I gave my brother some "alternative herbal recreation," junk food for munchies after enjoying said recreation, and a CD from an artist he said he liked.
I gave mom a cigarette case, a sleek, refillable lighter, and a personal ashtray. Included was a coupon for her to get a pack of cigs and a package of Starbuck's coffee.
My sister also got the "herbal recreation," and bath products, as she enjoys long, leisurely baths whenever she can get them. She also likes scents, period, and I know her favourite is apple, which I made sure was included.
Marlon got his favourite beer and a steak.
I watched their reactions carefully, because if one of them were forcing it, I'd know, and offer a chance to get something else at a later date. I want people to be happy with what they get, period.
Each individual appeared to be truly happy with their gift, if I read things correctly. I would like to believe it's due to the fact that I took time with each person, paid attention to what they like or claim they like, and went out of my way to make sure I got as close to it as possible.
So what do I have?
An oil burner and an oversized CD wallet with my name on a metal plate. But only my first name, which, to those who know, is very, very common.
Am I ungrateful? No. I know they truly meant well, and they expected me to really get excited. I know they did it thinking of me, and I'm grateful for those thoughts. Am I disappointed with the gifts? Again, no. They're things I can use, after all.
So what's the problem, you might ask? It's simple. I'm disappointed because they don't know me, as evident by their choices. Yes, the gifts are nice, but I felt I had to force myself for their benefit in displaying my "joy." I like the gifts well enough, but the fact is, not once since this rather stressful holiday season started did I ever pine for a CD wallet (with my name on it). I made mention on occasion of wanting an oil burner, but I stated specifically I would get one myself, because I knew which one I wanted. The one I received isn't my style, which is another disappointment.
See, it's this lack of knowledge, coupled with an apparent lack of effort, or better to say observation, that makes me sad. Add to this an assumption that they think they know me, and it makes me realise how alone I truly am in this unit.
In short, I'm sad because the people I thought knew me, don't. Yet I know them, because I took time out to learn. I took time to go past those surface features they have, even amongst ourselves. In some instances, I just straight out asked. Maybe it would ruin the surprise, but at least, I hope, they know I want them to be happy more than wanting to just "surprise" them. I think satisfaction with a gift is more important in the end.
I realise, looking back over the month, that while I asked them, no one asked me.
And I feel I'm wronging them with the false pretense I offer. I do appreciate the items, but I can't help wonder if someone else might not actually enjoy them more. The CD wallet would have been a better gift to my brother, and the oil burner looks like something my sister would enjoy.
Then I have to stop and wonder if I did this to myself. If I've closed myself off to such a point that the ones who should know are fooled as well by my masks. And if so, are they fooled because the masks in place are that good, or just because they don't have the time nor desire to go past it?
I know someone's rolling their eyes and ready to recite how people have much less. This isn't about what I have at all. This is purely about how well my family knows me, which apparently is not at all, and how I feel about that. If this happened on my birthday or any other holiday, this reaction would still be the same.
I take some small pride in seeing that my gifts to them were well received, joyously so, because it means I have read them as individuals well, something I often strive for with people I give a hoot about.
But if they don't know me, who does?
I will use my gifts with gratitude, which I'm sure will make them happy. It is merely the implications about my family these gifts bring that bears down on a self-admitted, overly introspective soul.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
(8:21 pm PT) - No, I haven't lost it yet
[link] - (confused)
"The Meadows of the Damned and other poems" by David W. Bosen can simply not be found anywhere on the net, even though I have finally gotten it from the library. I'd gone through every hard-to-find and out-of-print online bookstore Google gave me, and I've turned up nada. Worse, the publisher, Harlo Press, doesn't seem to have a website of their own.
So in order to ensure I'll always have a copy, (though I'd prefer a hard copy for myself), I'm just going to transcribe it, following every page of the book, and put it online.
If/when someone comes at me to take it down, I will knock them to the ground, pin them, and demand they at least give me a copy before I lose my mind.
Going to scribe now.
Thursday, January 30, 2003
(3:16 pm PT) - So strange...
[link] - (confused)
Yes, shocked good.
Sometimes I feel people think I'm snobby when it comes to accepting gifts, because I don't say much and I don't get too excited RL, but the truth is, my silence is, again, shock. Thanks to my ::cough:: childhood, I'm used to wheeling, dealing, and bartering to get things I want. I'm not yet used to being given anything just for kindness' sake. It startles me, and makes me feel I should reciprocate in any manner I can.
I'm rambling, I know it. It's difficult to put this into words, really. I'm not questioning any gifts, nor anyone's reasons for giving them as far as I'm concerned. I guess the questions lay with myself. I wonder what did I do to deserve such kindness, and will I continue to be worthy. Am I really worthy now?
These are questions I've had since I was a kid, mind you, so really, it's nothing new. I suppose just the first time I've been able to put them down.
Again, to the anonymous person at LJ, thank you. I really do appreciate it, and I won't let that slip by again.
Saturday, December 14, 2002
(7:12 am PT) - Odd search engine hits
[link] - (confused)
Yes, Locuran popped up.
I didn't know I was that hard to find that I warranted a search.
Speaking of searches, most of the search hits are coming from people looking for various Kingdom Hearts stuff, especially yaoi. However, I did get one hit for someone looking for Jean M. Auel. Nothing strange like pig cross dressing, though. But who knows?
Back to bed, before my brain realized how early it is and punishes me with a headache.
