Home > Categories > FFX > Autumn at the Door

Rating: G - drama - Posted: 16/1/2005 - Updated: 16/1/2005

Disclaimer: characters portrayed are intellectual property of Square (or whatever they're calling themselves these days). Weak plot, crappy poem, mine. Non profit piece, yadda yadda yadda.
Notes: Set mainly after the end of FFX. Unless/until I actually play FFX-2, I'm forced to disregard it's timeline due to ignorance. (I'd like to play it, but who knows when that will happen.)

Summary: (Rin/Tidus) After all is said and done with Sin, Tidus asks Rin if he can come in...


"Sooo... Can I come in?"

If someone had told me you'd appear on my doorstep out the clear blue, right out of some cheesy romance novel housewives tend to read, I'd have banned them from my stores for being so melodramatic. And in the rain no less. Did you get nature itself to conspire with this overly emotional scene?

If you smiled at nature the way you do everyone else, I wouldn't be shocked if this were true. No, not at all.

Can I come in...

Damn me and my eyes. Where's the anger, the rage, the feelings of betrayal? Isn't that what usually happens in those books right about now? Or is this where I'm supposed to pull you into my arms and beg for you never to leave again? I'm pretty sure standing here staring was never written in the script.

Then again, reality never follows said script.

Can I come in...

You're soaking wet, dripping on my front porch, and I have half a mind to tell you to wipe your feet first. Hell, just strip, you'll drip on the carpet.

Wait, this means I'm actually considering letting you come in... again. What am I, a masochist? I let you in once, and it nearly destroyed me. And now you're here, standing at the edge of my emotional safety, and just like that I'm to forget a year or so of grief and let you cross the threshold once more?

Can I come in...

Can you? I'm not sure I know the answer to that myself anymore.

How did I get here again?

"If you are interested... Al Bhed primers can be found all over Spira. Finding them and learning our language might be fun."

Oh yes, that's how...


[ past - approximately one year ago ]

"Hey, Rin! Can I come in?"

The Al Bhed looked up from taking inventory at the Mi'ihen branch in time to see Tidus standing at the door. He squinted before recognizing the book in Tidus' hand as a primer.

"Ah, hello, Tidus. Of course you can. You've found yet another primer, I see."

"Yeah, but man, this one's hard. I can barely read it." Tidus slowed, coming to a stop when he reached Rin's side. He held the book open enough to let the older blonde look at it. "I can't make it out at all, so thought maybe you could help me with it."

"Well I shall certainly try my best." Rin took the book and flipped a few pages, his back a soft thump on the wall where he leaned against it. A quick look through a few more pages drew a thoughtful sound from the merchant's throat.

"This isn't one of the official primers, actually."

"It's not?" Tidus stood on his toes to peek at the book, missing the faint smile crossing Rin's lips. "Then what kind is it?"

"I think," Rin continued flipping pages as his eyes roamed over the words faster than Tidus could hope to follow, "it's a poetry primer."

"A what?"

Rin chuckled. "You do not like poetry, Tidus?"

"Well, actually, I do," the teen said. He scratched his head, offering a self-depreciative smile. "I just didn't think I'd find a book of Al Bhed poems or anything like that."

"Primer," Rin corrected. "I do remember there being an Al Bhed professor who believed in using such things as poetry and fables to help teach different languages. I wouldn't be surprised if this is his work."

"Really? Hey, that's cool." Tidus peered over Rin's shoulder again, or his arm given the teen was somewhat vertically challenged. "So, what's it say?"

Nice try, Rin thought. "Need I remind you that you're the one who is learning, not I."

"Aw, c'mon, Rin. I don't even have all the real primers yet. Do you know how hard some of those books are to find? I almost missed two of them back at your Home--crap." Tidus winced at the pained expression passing over Rin's face. "Sorry, I didn't mean to--I wasn't thinking--"

The merchant just smiled, shaking his head. "It is alright. It will take some time, but Home will be rebuilt. Besides, without hardships, nothing can be learned."

Though still upset with himself, Tidus nodded in concession. "A little too deep for me, but I think I get you." Hoping Rin wouldn't dwell, Tidus changed the topic and tried again. "So, what's the book say?"

"Tidus--"

"Please? I'll still learn, but I don't know when I'll find more of those primers. Besides, you can think of it as--uh--improving my experience with Al Bhed culture... and stuff."

"Very cute." Rin held the book up, weighing it in his hand. "It's such a large primer..."

"I'm not asking you to read all of it. Just read me a few."

"I still have to take inventory--"

"You have employees," Tidus pointed out, "and you're fishing anyway. I bet you need a break, to boot. So just say yes, and I'll even spring for lunch."

The question was in the back of Rin's mind as to how Tidus could have time to think of such light matters, knowing the others were worried about defeating Sin. But the truth remained that he did in fact need a break. The more he thought about it, Rin couldn't find any reason not to indulge the youth.

Lunch, pleasant company, a break, and all it would cost him was a few poems read aloud. The Al Bhed couldn't remember a better deal since opening his chain.

While he contemplated on whether to accept, one piece caught Rin eye, which he read aloud.

"Yht ev oui ycgat fro, E luimth'd keja y naycuh.
"Cyja E mucd socamv
"Mayjehk sa y cramm, y krucd
"Ryihdehk dra niehc fedreh oui." [1]

Tidus blinked. "Since I don't know what you just read, is that a yes?"

"I believe it is..."


[ present ]

I should have known then, it was clearly too good a deal.

No, I'm being unfair. Yet it is the nature of man to lash out at pain. That doesn't justify my feelings, I suppose, but it helps me to understand them.

Can I come in...

You're still there. I'm a bit surprised. Maybe I thought if I waited long enough I'd realize you were just a figment of my unstable mind. I don't know why. And if I'm honest with myself, I shouldn't be that surprised. Isn't this how you appeared in my life the first time, only to disappear just as abruptly? Why should I think you've change old habits now?

I wonder if you understand my hesitance. Yes, Sin is gone, all well and good, but how do I know you won't leave again? I know you had no choice, that your fate was laid out from the moment you stepped into this reality. However, this knowledge conflicts with how I feel, and as much as I'd like to dismiss these emotions, I am unable to.

This is not another business transaction. My heart, my sense of self... there's no price I can put on these things. And there's no insurance when they break. All I can do is pick up the remains. Contrary to what you may believe, I don't want to get used to that. It was nearly impossible the first time.

Can I come in...

Will it hurt again if you do?


[ past ]

Rin stood alone in the hallway of the airship. The part of him that still functioned was glad for the solitude, though the fact was he wouldn't have noticed if the place were packed wall to wall at the moment. It took all his strength just to remain on his feet; why he bothered Rin wasn't sure of.

If he ever wondered about the meaning of the phrase, "living dead," Rin understood all too well now.

"Tidus is gone. He's with Sir Auron in the Farplane now."

It wasn't meant for his ears. Yuna and Rikku had been speaking with Cid at the time. Rin just had very lousy timing when he walked in on the conversation.

Cosmically lousy timing.

There was nothing else, the damage--the sin--already committed. Rin didn't hear the condolences he offered, didn't see Rikku's saddened face turn towards his own. The entire exchange existed as nothing more than a obscure shadow on his memories. The merchant couldn't recall leaving the three alone, yet he must have since he found himself haunting the empty passageway along with the other spirits of the ship's past.

And somewhere in those few moments between hearing and leaving, Rin knew he'd broke.

"Rin, fyed ib!" [2]

It wasn't until he'd actually stopped that Rin realized he'd done just that. Instincts and habits were the only thing helping the merchant retain a shell of himself, allowing him to still react to the outside world despite his internal desolation.

"...what can I do for you, Rikku?"

Rikku caught up, pausing as she bent over to catch her breath. Obviously Rin had walked some distance from the cabin, though he didn't remember doing so.

"Rin..." The younger Al Bhed straightened up and forced herself to meet Rin's eyes. The shattering of his soul was reflected there, making it painful to look at, but Rikku felt she had little choice.

"Rin, I know--"

And? "...I never said anything. We were merely friends, anyway. It doesn't matter."

"Like hell it doesn't! Just because you weren't with us doesn't mean you weren't important, too. Besides..." Sighing, Rikku reached up to cup Rin's face in her hands when he looked away, once again forcing eye contact. "Besides, losing yourself... that's not what he'd want. You can't think that we lost him. I mean, I really thought we were going to lose Yunie, but we didn't. So maybe this is just temporary, you know? He wasn't like us, so maybe he'll come back. I bet if anyone could find a way, he could."

Hands reached up to cover hers, gently pulling them away, yet still Rin's not able to recall any of it. His body became a puppet, though he had no idea where the strings were connected to, nor did he care.

"I will think about what you have said. For now, I am in need of solitude, but I thank you." Rin turned away, walking with no destination in mind, but just a desire for motion. He didn't stop when Rikku called out to him.

"Don't lose yourself, you have to be here when Tidus comes back, too!"


[ present ]

Ah, but that warning came too late. I did lose myself. I was just lucky that she helped me piece what was left back together.

And now you're standing here, asking me to risk that again?

I'm not a fool twice. I know what you're saying, and I know better what you're asking.

I had everything planned if I were to ever see you, be it here or in the Farplane. I'd make sure you understood the turmoil I suffered, that you knew well the burning emptiness inside me, all because I allowed you in the first time. But now you're standing here, and I can't help but wonder if I suffered because of you...

...or because I didn't tell you.

Can I come in...

I don't know, do you really want to?

I suppose there's only one way to find out...


Rin closed his eyes for a moment, then stepped aside while holding the door open.

"Ah, hello, Tidus. Of course you can."


~ end ~
1. And if you asked why, I couldn't give a reason.
Save I lost myself
Leaving me a shell, a ghost
Haunting the ruins within you.
2. "Rin, wait up!"