Rating: PG-13 -
drama -
Posted: 27/1/2003 -
Updated: 14/1/2005
Characters not mine, non-profit work. Just something in my head I really need to get out. Rough draft, may fix later
Summary: some things that might be going through Doukugakuji's head.
I didn't know that by saving him, I'd also break him.
I told him I couldn't hack the lifestyle he chose, but that wasn't right. In truth, I didn't like seeing him with that lifestyle. He became nothing more than a shadow, going through the motions of living, but not alive. And I know it was my fault.
Yes, I knew where he was. I knew what he was doing. It took awhile, but I found him again. I just couldn't face him. I couldn't look into his eyes because I didn't have an answer for the questions I knew I'd see there.
I still don't.
Nobody will ever know how relieved I was when I learned of the chance meeting between him and Hakkai that night. And even if he doesn't know why he picked Hakkai up, I do. He still needed someone...
That boy I'd walked out on all those years ago still needed someone for himself, even if he was now hiding in the body of a man.
I still regret that I can't be that person anymore.
I pray those three he travels with now will be enough, even as I know, deep down, they're not. I can still see the doubt in his eyes, the question of whether he should be going with them, if he's really got a purpose, if he's good enough.
Nevermind their hands are all equally dirty, as are mine. The doubt is still there, all because of the fire in his hair and eyes.
Amazing, really, that such burning eyes hold no warmth, no joy. Eyes that should carry life, only have sorrow, regret... longing.
Sometimes, I look at Kougaiji and I wonder if I'm staying because of past deeds, or perhaps because I see him when I look at Kou. They're both so similar, physically speaking. Odd that Gojyo's scar and Kougaiji's mark are almost on the same place in their face. Their hair is similar as well, though Kou's is a bit darker.
Their eyes, damn them both, are completely different. I never thought I'd see a shade of red so desolate, while I swear Kougaiji's taken all the fire that should rightfully be in Gojyo's, because they burn straight through your soul.
Yet, it's only for one person.
No, that's unfair of me. Kou cares about us. He tries to hide it, deny it, but it's there, plain as day. He fears it's a weakness. Maybe he's right. Gods know how that bitch has been manipulating him, using his feelings for the ones he cares about to force him down and lay at her feet.
He cares, even when he knows it's dangerous to do so.
I should be honest, though. A part of me wishes I could take some of that fire, the determination, and give it to Gojyo. To make those eyes match their color, instead of the cold flickers I see now.
Which is worse, a dead brother, or a broken one? Can a broken one be saved?
Does he want to be?
I know what he's thinking. Every time we see each other it's clear on his face. Why her, and not him? Why my own mother, for a worthless, half-breed half brother?
Gojyo, you really don't know how much you're worth to me, do you?
Besides, mom made her choice. You can't see it beyond all the beatings and red, I guess. She wouldn't let go of the past. Even if I hadn't stopped her, she'd never let it go. You, you were just an easy target. Who knows what would have happened after you were gone. I'm just sorry I didn't realise it until it was too late.
While you're asking me why, I'm asking myself what if. What if I'd followed my first mind and just got you the hell out of there? What if I took you someplace where people would see your eyes and think only of sunsets, or your hair and think of a warm fire waiting for them at home?
I didn't, and that's my biggest regret. You see, I thought she really did still need me. I foolishly thought I could still help her. I'm so sorry, Gojyo. It was too late before I understood she was beyond help.
She couldn't let the past go, Gojyo, and it destroyed her. It was too late.
It doesn't have to be that way for you, Gojyo. I know it still hurts. Gods, I know, because no matter how you smile or flirt, no matter how you wear a mask that lets the world think you're only out for a good time, I can see the pain.
Funny that pain is nothing more than two thin lines on the left side of the face of someone who means the world to you.
Nothing more, yet it tears at my heart every time.
I can only imagine what it's like for you when you look in the mirror.
That's why I know, Gojyo. But you still have to give up the past. You have to let that go, or you'll wind up just like her. Only, instead of my hand, I'm afraid it will be your own.
Please, Gojyo. I know it doesn't feel like it, but I really did want you to have another chance at life. If you can't live for yourself, then think of your friends. If not them...
...then for me. Not Doukugakuji, the one who follows Kougaiji's every order.
Live for me, Gojyo. If no one else, live for me, because I'm still your brother.